舊時代女性獨立和現在

The following things happened in 1938-1949, I guess

舊時代女性獨立和現在

一、無法原諒和放下

我仍記憶猶新。約十二年前，公司派我去護理照顧伍先生，每天一個小時。93歲的伍先生，來自香港，矮小瘦弱，和藹可親，住女兒家。伍太太每天在家打坐念經拜佛，見我笑臉相迎，彬彬有禮。

可是，有幾次，伍先生的女兒外出了。伍太太為我開門後，徑直衝向伍先生的房間，拍手跳腳咆哮，言語粗俗不堪。後來，伍先生女兒向我解釋，“我的爸爸年輕時會去找姑娘，我媽對過去的事情放不下，無法解脫釋懷”。她嘆了口氣，“我爸爸還是很慈愛顧家的，是他一個人的收入支撐起一個家”。

伍先生慈眉善目，處於似醒非醒的狀態。他常告誡我的一句話，也是他生命將逝的總結：“不要去找姑娘，毒氣猴腮嘞（好厲害），會生病的”；還會叮囑我：“徐生，麻煩你幫我買張649彩栗，至少我每周有一個夢想吧”。

伍先生年輕時職業為小車司機。各種豪華轎車都開過，有機會接觸過早期香港各位富豪。他的意思，大方慷慨的老闆都破產，被那些孤寒吝嗇的超人取代。伍先生提及一位早期香港已經破產富豪心存感激，因為常受惠於他，可以去台灣和日本度假。華人父母都渴望兒子成才，伍先生也不例外，他抱怨，兒子不爭氣，在香港什麼學校都念過，還包括“左校”。另外，他說，兒子沒出息，怕老婆。

伍太太過去因為經濟無法獨立，只能忍辱負重，為了家庭，委曲求全，現在是報仇解恨最佳時機！？

Independence of Chinese women in old times  and now

1. Unable to forgive and let go

I still remember it vividly. About twelve years ago, the company sent me to take care of Mr. Ng for an hour a day. Mr. Ng, 93 years old, is from Hong Kong. He is short, thin, kind, and lived in his daughter’s house. Mrs. Ng meditated at home every day, recited scriptures and worshiped Buddha, and she greeted me with a smile and politeness.

However, on several occasions, Mr. Ng's daughter went out. Mrs. Ng opened the door for me, and she rushed straight to Mr. Ng's room, clapping her hands and shouting, her words were extremely vulgar. Later, Mr. Ng's daughter explained to me, "My father would go to find girls(prostitutes) when he was young. My mother couldn't let go of the past and couldn't get rid of it. She didn't want to forgive my father." She sighed, "Anyway my father is still very loving and caring for the family. In the past, it was his income alone that supported the family."

Mr. Ng was kind-hearted, in a state of half-awake. One sentence he often warned me was, also the summary of his life close to death: "Don't go to find a girl, you will get poisoned and get sick"; he would also tell me: "Mr. Xu, please help me buy a 649 lottery ticket. I at least, have a dream every week."

Mr. Ng worked as a car driver when he was young. He had driven all kinds of limousines, and he had the opportunity to get in touch with the rich and powerful men in Hong Kong in the early days. What he means is that the generous bosses are all bankrupt and replaced by mean-spirited supermen. Mr. Ng mentioned a rich man who had gone bankrupt in Hong Kong in the early days, and he was grateful because he often benefited from him and could go to Taiwan and Japan for vacation. Chinese parents all want their sons to study well, go to prestigious schools, and have a decent job. Mr. Ng is no exception. He complained that his son was not able to study well, and he had studied in every school in Hong Kong, including the "left school" of the working class. In addition, he said, his son is worthless and afraid of his wife.

In the past, Mrs. Ng had no choice but to bear the burden of humiliation for the sake of her family because she was unable to be financially independent. Now is the best time to take revenge! ? Therefore, she swears at her husband every day.

Independence of Chinese women in old times  and now

2 Would rather be a jade broken than a tile intact.( dying for a noble cause rather than living a shameful life.)

I never met my maternal grandfather Gen Zhu, who was born around 1900，high school graduation. Since childhood, I often heard my grandmother ,Yichun Xu,or Bairong Xu, talk about her impressions of Fuzhou, Xiamen, and Zhangzhou ,Fujian province in 1934-35. The climate there is better than that of Hangzhou(Zhejiang province), the natural scenery is beautiful, the products were rich, and the delicious food is world-class. Of course, the folk customs were also simple, and local religions in folklore were prevalent. At the same time, the enthusiasm for spreading the Christian gospel was also intense”. Grandma said that at that time her material life in Fujian was very rich, and there were nowhere to store food and good stuff. But she was unhappy, and could only listen to the phonograph every night to pass the time.

It was said that Gen Zhu was originally a dispatcher at the Hangzhou Railway Station. He was drawn into the military because he was a fellow villager (Zhuji, Zhejiang province) with General Dingwen Jiang of the Republic of China . Zhu was in charge of the transportation and deployment of military supplies. It was said that during the Anti-Japanese War and the Wuhan Defense War, Gen Zhu was in charge of military supplies and logistics.

In 1934, my grandmother led my mother to follow Gen Zhu to garrison in Xiamen and Zhangzhou, Fujian province. According to the news at that time, it was to suppress the chaos and suppress the bandits, and the bandits refer to the Red Army of the Communist Party. Grandma didn't have any good impression of Zhu Gen, "He is stupid and uneducated, and I also help him to write official documents." When I was young, I remembered a Hangzhou dialect "Gen Zhu likes to attract lovers". Also, " Gen Zhu wants to marry a concubine, his character is too bad! Taking advantage of his position to resell arms.... Gen Zhu is the incarnation of the devil Satan"!  In fact, before Gen Zhu married my grandmother, he concealed that he already had a first wife in his home village. In April 1985, I met my grandmother's sister Baiguan Xu  in Hangzhou, Zhejiang province. She  could still clearly recall Gen Zhu's appearance, dressed in an officer's uniform, followed by a few soldiers, very handsome and majestic. She said that Gen Zhu was very generous. He came to Baiguan home to ask about the living conditions and residences of my grandmother, my mother, uncle, and aunt.

The son of Gen Zhu’s cousin, Mr. Youqi (graduated from the Department of Mathematics of Tsinghua University in 1939), once said  “Your grandmother has too strong a personality. You can’t blame Gen Zhu , you can only blame the old society, and that era and social customs, that is, once a person If you become an official and have some power and money, you will be vain, so you marry a concubine, and your status will be high." Youqi also said, "It's very strange. Your grandmother's thinking is very feudal. How could she believe in Jesus? At that time, your grandmother led the children away from home, and your grandfather(Gen Zhu) sent an adjutant to chase after her. Gen Zhu  promised that the family's financial rights would be handed over to the grandmother. However, grandma still led the three children away, you see, grandma and the three children must have suffered a lot. It is that your grandmother completely asks for the suffering ."

I only know that my aunt died at the age of three. I don’t know how my grandmother, mother, and uncle survived the Anti-Japanese War and the Civil War between the Kuomintang and the Communist Party. Because  they passed away one after another 36 years ago. Grandma said that Gen Zhu came to Yiyang Christian Farm in Jiangxi province in 1949, he asked his only son, my uncle, "There are land and house at home village. Come with me back to Zhuji, Zhejiang？ You are the only son", "No! You go", At that time, my uncle was still a 13-year-old child.

In 1950, the Communist Party began to rule in China, and my grandmother became a teacher of New China in Nanchang. In the political and thought reform movement, everyone must explain the past history clearly. Grandma said, it was very strange, someone asked, "You and your husband have been divorced for more than 10 years, why don't you remarry, your thinking is too feudal, and why do you believe in foreign religion?" The same question was asked again by Mr.Youqi, However, grandma could only say, "He is really ridiculous, he graduated from the Department of Mathematics of Tsinghua University? so stupid!"

In the late 1930s when China was dominated by old-fashioned traditions, patriarchal thinking, and war turmoil, it was unimaginable for my grandmother to lead three children under the age of 6 to escape domestic violence and make a living. How much determination and courage are needed? ! Grandma should be born with an independent woman beyond the historical era. Why can she be so powerful? She is specially chosen by Christ, a Christian with spiritual depth, and secular people will think that she is morally obsessed with extreme character(She seeks too much moral perfection). Of course, grandma is still just an ordinary person, impossible to be perfect, and has incomprehensible mistakes.

Although it is already 2023, in this era of material desires and consumption, there are still a group of women who lack independent thinking. As long as their husbands are capable and can provide superior material life enjoyment, they can still tolerate their husbands having a third party. Or, everyone is happy and lives in peace. There is nothing new in the world, what happened in the past will be repeated in the future.

二、寧為玉碎不為瓦全

我沒見過我的外祖父朱艮，他應該出生於1900左右,中學畢業。自幼常聽外祖母說起1934-35年的福州、廈門、漳州，那裡氣候比杭州好，自然景色美，物產豐富，美食天下。當然民風也淳樸，民間傳說的地方宗教盛行，同時，基督教福音傳播也火熱。外婆說，在福建物質生活非常豐富，吃的用的都無處堆放。但是她卻不高興，每晚只能聽着留聲機打發時間。

據說，朱艮原來是杭州火車站的調度，因與民國將領蔣鼎文為小同鄉（浙江諸暨），而被拉入軍界，主管軍需物資運輸調配，我也無法查實核對，他的家鄉親友還說，抗日時，武漢保衛戰期間，朱艮統管軍需後勤。1934年外婆領着我媽隨外公朱艮在福建廈門、漳州一帶駐防（當時的潮語：平亂剿匪）。外婆對朱艮沒有一點好印象，“他很笨，沒文化，我還幫他參考寫公文”。小時候，我印象中的一句杭州話“朱艮喜歡夾姘頭”。還有，“朱艮要娶姨太，人品太差！利用職務之便，倒賣軍火…，是魔鬼撒旦的化身”！其實，朱艮娶我外祖母之前，隱瞞其在家鄉已經有原配。1985年4月，我在杭州見到外婆的胞姐徐百冠及兒女。他們之中，年紀上45歲的，還能清楚回憶朱艮的樣貌，一身軍官制服，後面還跟着幾位兵崽，很神氣的。他們說，朱艮出手很大方的，他來向百冠詢問我外祖母以及我媽媽、舅舅、姨媽生活狀況和住處。

朱艮堂兄的兒子，友奇（清華1939數學系畢業）曾說，“你外婆個性太強。不能怪朱艮，只能歸咎於舊社會，那個時代和社會風氣，人做個官，有點錢，愛虛榮，於是就娶姨太，身份就高了”。友奇說，“很奇怪，你外婆思想很封建，怎麼會篤信耶穌的？那個時候，你外婆領着孩子離家出走了，你外公派副官去追，並承若，家裡財權交給外婆，可是，外婆還是領着三個孩子走了，好日子不過，吃盡苦頭吧。 ”

我只知道我的姨媽三歲就夭折，無法知道外婆、媽媽、舅舅是怎樣從抗戰和國共內戰中走過來，外婆只是一位鄉村小學老師，他們具體怎麼生活，躲避戰亂？因為他們36年前相繼逝世。外婆說，1949年朱艮來到江西弋陽基督徒農場，他問舅舅，“家裡有田地和房產，你隨我回浙江諸暨家鄉吧？你是獨子”，“不! 你走吧”，那時，舅舅還是個13歲的孩子。

1950年，外婆在南昌成為一名新中國的人民教師。政治改造運動，每人都要交代說清楚過去的歷史。外婆說，很奇怪，有人發問，“你與你老公離婚10幾年，為什麼不去再婚改嫁，你的思想太封建，還有，你怎麼會信洋教？”這個問題，後來朱先生也問過，外婆只能說，“他真是荒唐，還是清華數學系畢業的，很笨！”

在中國那個舊式、戰爭動盪的1930年代末，一個媽媽敢於獨自帶領三個6歲以下的孩子，逃離家暴去闖生活，是難以想象的，需要多大的決心和勇氣？！外婆應該是天生的，具有超越歷史時代的獨立女性，為何她能如此有力量？她是基督特別揀選的，具有屬靈深度的基督徒，世俗的人會覺得她有道德潔癖，性格偏執。當然，外婆仍然是個普通人而已，不可能完全，並且有令人難以理解的錯誤。

雖然現在已經是2023年，在這個物慾橫流，追求消費的時代，還有女性獨立思想缺失的一批人，只要丈夫能幹，能提供優越的物質生活享受，為了一個完整的家，還是可以忍受丈夫有外遇第三者，各自快樂，相安無事。世上無新事，過去發生的，今後仍會重複。