正明兄译作“东方谣”非常精彩,赏析几句:
英文原作: An Eastern Ballad (Illen Ginsberg)
I speak of love that comes to mind:
The moon is faithful, although blind;
She moves in thought she cannot speak.
Perfect care has made her bleak.
I never dreamed the sea so deep,
The earth so dark; so long my sleep,
I have become another child
I wake to see the world go wild.
正明兄译作:七律·东方谣 (傅正明)
诉说情灵关爱意,遥望明月作皈依,
神思语噎偏盲後,完璧镜圆无欲时。
深海未曾逰梦境,浊寰却已误晨曦。
轮回蝶化他家子,醒看世风狂野吹。
大家知道,翻译讲究的是“信达雅”。“信”就是忠于原文,翻译到这个层次,比较容易。“达”要求的不仅仅是文字通顺流畅,字面下面暗含的寓意也得翻译出来。“雅”最难,要求在“信、达”的基础上,还要翻译出文采。问题来了:过于强调“信”,或译者的水平只能达到“信”的水平,则译文读起来往往像翻译过来的词汇的堆砌,句子难免“丑陋”。而过分强调“雅”,或因译者功力不足偏要自己生编滥造还美其名曰“再创作”,常容易南辕北辙,离题千里。难矣哉,“信达雅”具备,且又全然融入中文特色之中。来!咱们大家领略一番正明兄是如何体现出这个境界的。还是老习惯,逐句读过:
I speak of love that comes to mind:
诉说情灵关爱意,
--- 首句铺开,并按中文古典诗词的习惯舍弃了主语
The moon is faithful, although blind;
遥望明月作皈依,
--- 这句断句处理得好!只翻译了The moon is faithful,把although blind 留给了下句。英文原文没有“遥望”,中文加了。可以吗?可以。因为月在天上,非遥望不得见也。另外faithful译作“皈依”,非常亮眼。
She moves in thought she cannot speak.
神思语噎偏盲後,
--- “神思语噎”四字译得精炼。“偏盲後”是上句的although blind。
Perfect care has made her bleak.
完璧镜圆无欲时。
--- 此用反说:用心护理,偏会荒芜。那么,只有“无欲”,把一切放下,反而圆如完璧!颇有禅的味道啊,哈哈。
I never dreamed the sea so deep,
深海未曾逰梦境,
--- 这一句最体现文字技巧:不说I如何如何,却让“深海”作主语,好与下句的“浊寰”对仗。足见一首英文诗翻译成七律,非得前后左右先想好了不可!
The earth so dark; so long my sleep,
浊寰却已误晨曦。
--- 再看用字之妙:比较“大地黑暗”和“浊寰”即知;不说“睡得久”,而说“误晨曦”,用结果来渲染原因,这都是翻译过程用笔巧妙灵活之处!为啥涅?要照顾译文的平仄和韵脚。
I have become another child
轮回蝶化他家子,
--- “蝶化”二字出彩,顿时让呆板的 I have become 充满了灵动!
I wake to see the world go wild.
醒看世风狂野吹。
--- 这句英文原文就好,译文更好。
又一个问题来了:这首英文诗为啥要译作七律?难道是遵守咱们诗坛“没有困难制造困难也要上”的好传统吗?非也,因为英文原作也是格律诗!请看:
I speak of love that comes to mind:
The moon is faithful, although blind;
She moves in thought she cannot speak.
Perfect care has made her bleak.
I never dreamed the sea so deep,
The earth so dark; so long my sleep,
I have become another child
I wake to see the world go wild.
不难看出其押韵格式为:AABBCCDD。另外这首诗的句式也具备统一的音步和节奏,请看俺细分:
I speak + of love + that comes + to mind:
The moon + is faith + ful, al + though blind;
She moves + in thought + she can + not speak.
Per fect + care + has made + her bleak. --- care是双元音,可视为两个音节。
I ne + ver dreamed + the sea + so deep,
The earth + so dark; + so long + my sleep,
I have + be come + ano + ther child
I wake + to see + the world + go wild.
细分得出的结论是:该诗的格律 = 8音节、4音步、抑扬格。何为抑扬格?两个音节组成一个音步,前面的音节弱读、后面的音节重读是也。
最后再从格律角度欣赏一下正明兄这首佳作:
七律·东方谣
诉说情灵关爱意,遥望明月作皈依,
神思语噎偏盲後,完璧镜圆无欲时。
深海未曾逰梦境,浊寰却已误晨曦。
轮回蝶化他家子,醒看世风狂野吹。
一眼看到“说”字读仄音,则知全篇用平水韵。全篇仄起,首句不用韵。韵脚用【四支】,唯“依”字属【五微】,为邻韵通押,也非罕见。全篇合律,其中
完璧镜圆无欲时
中仄仄平平仄平
醒看世风狂野吹
中仄仄平平仄平
皆为孤平自救。
细读全篇,首联意境清新,中间两联在竭力忠于英文原文还要迁就律诗对仗的“艰难”中,依然别具色彩,毫无凝滞,非常难得。俺个人最喜尾联的转折新奇。