一封曾讓我怒火萬丈的信,幾年以後我偶然回到yahoo的郵箱,再次好奇的讀過,確被打動。信還是原文未動,我讀後的感受卻已經截然不同。好像歌中所唱 When your heart's on fire, you must realize, smoke gets into your eyes... 怒火和愛火很顯然有近似的效力。一封本來真實獨白的信,一封本來可以讓人打動的信,被我眼中的煙霧遮蔽,並沒有換來應得的感動,反而被煙霧湮滅了。
那時我和她都是諸多不利,便草率相逢,草草離去。其實都沒有想去刻意傷害他人,只是孤獨下的相遇和受挫的安全感,讓人漸漸磨損了判斷和承受,結果是睚眥必報般地相互挑剔、傷害。挫折和不安可以讓一個人的驕傲演變成近乎狂妄的自負,這種自負非常脆弱,經不起他人稍稍展示成功或略微提出批評。我和她大約都是或多或少處於那種狀態,於是她的分手建議便讓我怒不可遏,尤其是在我剛剛失業的時候。
記得她後來打電話說給我發了郵件,不過我也是幾周后才草草地讀了一遍,讀後還是很生氣決然斷絕和她的聯繫,好在郵件這幾年依舊靜靜地躺在郵箱裡。今天出於僥倖試着登錄舊郵箱居然成功了。刪過無數垃圾郵件後這封信就冒了出來,幾年的光陰時異境遷,其後更多的挫折已經讓人歷練了許多,便有了此次再讀後的感懷萬千。
她信里寫道:‘Your ego is my enemy, who is hiding behind your good-looking face, against your kind heart, laughing at me and ignoring me. Your ego murdered your patience and good manner.’曾經讓我憤怒的話現在回首反省,竟然是對的。對我來說也是這樣,她表面上的自卑和骨子裡的自負也是交錯着讓我不知所措,最後慢慢地我們都失去了耐性。她寫道:‘I will never hear your guitar. I will never smell your perfume. I will never touch your smoke. We will never watch a movie together.’雖然已經過去很久,但依然我會回憶起那些陰沉歲月里點點歡樂的片斷,她快樂我也快樂。
她寫道:‘ I don't mind if you send a picture of you two together to piss me off.’
她寫道:‘It hurts me to see you hurt. ’
這些話讓我久久無語,只是默默希望莫再有自負扼殺了真情。
如果我有機會回信我會說:
Hey, I'm sorry I'd made you cry, really. and I've got your mail, I'm deeply deeply touched。And as the song sings: everybody hurts... sometimes...
I got your words and I've got your faith on me. Time past by, I'm happy now, I'm sure you too. Thank you.
這封信是她寫給我的第一封email。
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