送交者: afool 2004年11月30日12:10:23 於 [彩虹之約]http://www.bbsland.com


could not help myself not writting something to you after reading your story.

I feel that all your pain and suffering started from that tragical moment
when you were an innocent 5 year old girl. After decades, that wound is
still widely open, it is a biggest hole in your heart, and it is never healed.
sometimes it is not so bad, but sometimes it is out of control,
it eats you alive literally, but you have no idea
what is the real problem, the source of your pain, you only know you have
unbearable physical and mental pain. You pray so hard, but it does not go
away, it always come back. It will hunt you forever if you don't face it and
deal with it.

//You are absolutely right and insightful. May I know whether you are professional Christian counseler or psychologist?

Actually I faced that pain after being baptisized. I prayed or even fasted
many times to overcoming the bitterness and sense of insecurity toward opposite sex caused by terrible experience at age of 5. But it won't go away so easily. Without seeing a doctor as soon as possible, it is hard for me alone to get over it.

I have told many boyfriends about that terrible moments before knowing LORD
Jesus. Some of them even want to kill that guy for me. Some of them just regard my pain as past memory which can cover up or forget with own effort.

After knowing my ex-fiancee, he is determined to be my faithful listener or
even my personal counselor. He felt heartache for me even he is a very logical
/rational person. But it seems that we both focus on future marriage rather
than need of seeing a Christian psychologist asap.

After he listened to a famous marriage counselor in January, 2003, he started to get confused about God's will in our engagement relationship, which was prophesized by God in August 2002 and confirmed in Bible "1 Thessolonian 5"--- "Do not put off the fire of Holy Spirit; do not despise the prophesy." at same month. Second prophesy is that he won't get on airplane on August 31, 2002 and later the prophesy was fulfiled exactly that day as the piolet got
sick badly and could not work normally, all passengers had to change their
flight.

Though he was still in love with me emotionally, yet his confusion caused me greater grief. Since even we were having joyful long-distance relationship, sometimes when we talked on telephone happily, my past memories from childhood would suddely be triggered and haunt after me. Love from God and my fiancee have kept me live a hopeful life. But this time, I felt we were both attacked
deadly as he is rational person and I am emotional and sensitive. Ever since
then, our harmony and joy disappeared. We started to have numberous conflicts. Many times all we could do is to look at each other and sigh. Our bond of love was broken.

Last February, Mental/physical/emotional disoders exploded again (after 911), such as bleeding, anger, anxiety, powerlessness, low-esteem, disappointment loneliness, etc, I can't afford to love and be loved. He flied back to China
and stayed until middle of May. But we couldn't love each other like we want.

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Human reaction to a tragedy usually consists 4 steps, denial, grife, bargain,
and acceptance. (It was a crime, but I doubt you would press charges, so you
may have to treat it as a tragedy)

Denial:
Denial is the thing did THE most damage to you, even more than the incident
itself. The decades of silence builds up the anger, fear and guilt. Because
of the denial of what happened, rape victims usually have low self images,
so they are intentionally premiscous, involving in bad relationships,
rejecting people who truely love them. They try to block the memory of that
experience, try to tell themselve that it happened long time ago and it does not
matter anymore, try to blame themselve not being careful enough, try to belittle it,
or forget it...
That simply does not work.

Grief:
Grief happens at the moment you realize what happened, you finally start to
cry, cry for the lost innocent, for the terrible mistakes others and you made
afterwards, for the lost love. Allowing grief is only the start of healing.
If you are lucky you move up to bargain, but some may go back to denial or
stay in grief for a very long time.

Bargain:
It is only natural to try bargain your way out of the terrible pain. You
pray, God, I'll be a really good person, I'll do whatever you want me to
do, please wipe out the pain, please make it go away. This is another ????
of denial.

The other end of the tunnel is acceptance, that can only be acheived by
forgiving. Forgiving your parents, most importantly forgiving yourself.
What happened to you was NOT your fault, was NOT your shame, you did the
best you could as a 5 year old and you coped with it through all those years
without much help...

// I read above three actions carefully. Yes, my seminary professor taught
me that 3 year ago. My mentor and I joined same "Grief Journey" together as
she was also experiencing grief after 3 years of her parents' passing away
and her divorce with an unbelieving ex-husband. I realized acceptance of
grief over sudden loss was first step for healing. Yes, loss of virginity
was not my fault. I don't have to figure out the reason why God allowed that
happened to me. I do believe God's life-time calling to me is in 2 Cor. 1 as future Pastoral counselor in China. I do believe God has power and time to
bring me complete healing and comfort so that I can comfort those who are in
same/various sufferings.
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It seems to me you are at the steps of denial, grief and bargain at the
same time right now. It is not going to be easy.

I have a few suggestions to you.

1. come back to US if possible, china is not a good place tfor you.
2. do not talk about your experience in church.
3. find a rape victim support group, get support and understanding there.
4. read self help books for rape victims.
5. find a good psychologist to work with you.
6. do try to talk to your parents when you are comfortable about
it. very likely they are tortured by tremendous
guilt and don't know how/when to talk about it.

// I agree most of your suggestions. For your first suggestion, I can't
agree more. Please pray for my coming back to US. I used to think as long
as I rest in God, find several girl friends to talk, helping the poor and need, I will ultimately get better. But this time God did stop me from going out of town and I have to experience the whole process of depression again. Perhaps that confirmed God's will for me to go back to US. I knew a female missionary from Europe left China as she got ill after long time service in far away land.

For your second suggestion, "Unfortunately" 3 years ago I had shared that
publicly in home church, which out of everyone's expectation, including
myself, in a morning sermon when Pastor asked me to give 5-minute speech
to saints about God's calling and myself.

For third-fifth suggestion, I can do them after going back to US since
it is too hard in China. Most of b/s here know little about healing process
of trauma and other mental/emotional disorders. THey would regard me as
over-sensitive person. Plus most of secular counselors/psychologists are
unbelieving professors. I know many of them even got problem themselves.

For last suggestion, I did try to talk to my parents 2 years ago after
returning from US for rest and healing. They refused to take responsibility
of saying "sorry" as they think I shall show gratitude to their effort in raising-me-up, not try to "blame" for past mistake not made by themselves
but a neighbour.

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Last few words, do not expect your pain would go away easily, even if you
are willing to work on it, it may take years if not decades until you are
truely healed. Take care!

// Yes, well prepared for that. I knew depression has high rate of 復發.
I even recognize even all my life I may suffer that, I won't blame God for
not-healing-me quicker and more easily. But only concern is my future husband.
My ex-fiancee even lost the faith in God's healing last year but this year he was touched by God to pray for me again. He is now a common friend of mine.
I pray that My future husband is well prepared for the long journey with me,
which by faith can benefit many people including ourselves if we love God with all our hearts.

Thanks again for your sincere and professional suggestions.

May God richly you. You are very smart and compassionate.

Sister Dove