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傷心的姐姐: 和各位兄弟姐妹說說傷心的事

在去年聖誕之前，我一直以為我的妹妹是我的最親密的朋友。我對她從前的感情比我對父母的還要深。我和妹妹從小就被送到鄉下直到上小學。 我和她有一種相依偎命的感覺。妹妹雖然只比我小2歲，但我多年來一直都在保護愛護她。從復導她高考到幫她辦來美國留學，就連她來美的機票都是我打工掙錢買給她的。89 年我來美後，在不到2年的時間裡我邊上學邊打工，掙出她一個學期的學費，並說服我先生去肯求他父母為妹妹擔保。妹妹來美後的學業和家庭生活一直不太順利，但我無論在精神還是物質上都是大力援助的。妹妹在7前終於安定下來，找到了很好的工作，嫁給啦一位非常愛她的先生，又有2個可愛的女兒。雖然我們不再象從前那樣無所不談，但每年我們都要聚幾次，讓孩子們在一起玩玩。我和她的丈夫在信仰上談不來(他信佛，是達賴的崇拜者)，我也不太欣賞他清高的性格，但我可以看得出他真心的愛我妹妹，和妹妹建立了一個溫暖的家，我非常為他們高興。我對妹妹的感情依就，直到去年聖誕妹夫說的一些話讓我想了很久。"You have been so competitive"....., "my wife has been feeling so much pressure from you." 當然我們的對話，不僅這些。談話中我得知了妹妹告訴了妹夫許多我們之間的事，但我驚奇的發現她說時是從另一種感覺，象是多年妹妹對我的真正感覺。我在各方面是都比較順利一些，也毫無保留的和妹妹分享過我已往的一切成功的喜悅。我一直以為她在真心地為我高興。自聖誕後這幾個月來，我慢慢的想起了許多以往和妹妹之間的的事情，就開始感到傷心。 好像失去了一珍愛的寶石。 我注意到了很多以前沒注意到的細節。妹妹寄給我孩子的生日禮物是非常低質的，雖然她現在有很高的收入。。。妹妹看到她的孩子用腊筆在我家的牆上畫道道後，還繼續給他腊筆。。。我是一個基督徒，我不想繼續猜疑妹妹的動機，我求主施恩找回我對妹妹的愛。可是我還沒法擺脫心中的酸苦。我把希望寄托在妹妹早日歸主上，可是她的拒絕態度是那麼的堅定。我傷心是因為我們的心離的越來越遠了。妹妹還不知我現在的感覺。她將帶全家來度春假，並象前三年一樣在我家慶祝她大女兒的生日。 我怎樣才能向從前那樣無私的款待他們？
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yaomi：來自親人的傷害�往视H釕畹?

我自己的父母，他們自以為聰明所造成的傷害，不知害我有多少深。很多時候，不是他們故意的，而是他們從情感上無法面對。你的妹妹，對你的敵意，是因為她無法面對你一直比她順利這個事實。人心都是很脆弱的。很多事情無法去面對。作為你，很重要一點是學會接納他們，包括接納親人對你的敵意這個事實。很多基督徒在這方面是有欠缺的，表現在，他們愛人，但是不接受他們所愛的人有缺點這個事實，結果就是自欺欺人。我舉個例子。教會裡有的弟兄人品非常壞，吃喝嫖賭，是個人都看出來了，可是領頭的弟兄姐妹就是看不見。因為他們沒有勇氣去接納一個人品有嚴重缺陷的弟兄。學會按照別人的本相接納別人，是一個很大的挑戰。但是主耶穌就是這樣作的。主耶穌愛ＰＥＴＥＲ，但是他事先就知道ＰＥＴＥＲ會背叛他。

ＴＨＥ　ＬＯＲＤ　ＮＥＶＥＲ　ＬＯＶＥＳ　ＵＳ　ＢＥＣＡＵＳＥ　ＯＦ　Ｗ
ＨＡＴ　ＷＥ　ＡＲＥ，ＴＨＥ　ＬＯＲＤ　ＡＬＷＡＹＳ　ＬＯＶＥＳ　ＵＳ　
ＤＥＳＰＩＴＥ　ＯＦ　ＷＨＡＴ　ＷＥ　ＡＲＥ。
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小溪流水：人的愛是有限的

是啊，人的愛是有限的，有條件的，只有GOD的愛是無私的。
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yying：當我們能面對最親的人帶給我們的失望時我們才能更多體會到只有耶穌才能滿足我們在感情上最根本的需求。也只有坦然面對這些失望，我們才能有新的真正的盼望，就是以後總有一天到了天上，耶穌會滿足我們一切的渴望。因着這個盼望，就會用憐憫和愛來對待這些使我們失望的人。“里外更新”里特別提到了很多人都不願面對父母曾使他們失望的事實。
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vanvanvan：請您為妹妹禱告吧“父親哪，赦免他們，因為他們不曉得自己在做什麼。”
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說別人特能：you need to learn how to let it go...

I know you love your sister dearly, and there are a lot of parents love their kids so much that they will can not accept the fact that you have to let it go, especially after they go married and have their own life. In fact you are kind of like a mother to her, aren't you?

In the bible, God said the man and woman need to leave their parents and be united with one another. That means they need to love their spouse more than their parents, emotionally detained from parents. However, a lot of parents can not accepted this, and they either still heavily involved, which lead to conflicting between families ; or they feel lost when they did not receipted the #1 love as expected.

In these cases, I see that it's perfectly normal your sister love her husband more than you; and love her kids more than your wall. (I said Normal, not perfect). Maybe her husband was giving you some hints by giving some of their feeling.

Sooner or later, you need to accepted the fact that she is growing up and have her family now, which is her closed "blood". You are NOT part of her direct family. Sorry to be meant, just want to make a point.

You should be very happy for they have such close bonds, and that she has a happy family. Why not give praise to Lord for that?

Meanwhile, use that as a reflection, to check:

1) were you able to continue love her by supporting as much as you can, yet do not attached any string to that? The receiption might not appreciated that much, and givers are angry because they do not appreciate. For example, a parent could say that you should buy a safe car, if you buy Volve, I will support you $2000, this way, the parents are dictating what their children are doing; they could really be hurted when their kids really want another car. Yet the other wise way is saying : "You should get a better, safe car you like, don't worry about the price, we will support you for $2000." And only offer opinion when you asked.

2) Do you love your husband and kids more than you love your sister? Your husband and kids might sense that and cause family issues later on. I know an old lady like that, she loved her brother more than anything else. Her daughter bitterly complainted about it. The family was not a happy one.

3) Try to learn how to let it go, get ready before you kids grown up.

That said, I agree you are disappointed on certain things, those could be valid reasons. However, some could be personality or habits, for example, her husband's personality; or kids drawing on the wall. Check to see do they tend to buy cheap stuff, or only buy cheap for others while buy expensive for their kids; or do they allow their kids drawing on the wall at their home? If they buy cheap stuff for their kids and allow kids drawing on wall at home, then you can understand some people are CHEAP or CARELESS. (We are guilty on both count here, :). I love shopping in 99cent store; and we gave up cleaning after our daughter). The best you can do is tell the kids ahead of time that you do not allow any kids (include yours) to draw on the wall, then be firm yet not meant after they do that.

If they are different at home and at your house, then this is a "quality" issue; you can not do much about it now, you could when she was young. The best you can do is to pray for them, then use them as a mirror to check what other place you might share similar things, and try your best to remind yourself. Some one said that you will be extremly sensitive to certain things, because you share that same things. It's very true for me.

After all, be thanksful you have a close sister, and be thanksful for her having a good family. I have an older brother, we are never too close, there are various reasons, for example, we rarely live together because our family got assigned housing very late. However, look back, a big part of the reason is I study very well, and very COMPETITIVE, and my parents were very proud of me, and I had felt that way too. Yet now it's too late. The only thing I can do is to try to be nicer when I talked to him; however, judge by the things go, I did no do a good job either.

So, you pray for yourself, not for her, and I need to pray for myself, not for my brother.
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Besides good suggestions above, 傷心的JJ/MM,please note that Christrain's love shell expect nothing back.So you should continue to love your sister, and pray for God to give you strength to forgive her or her family's trespasses.And your reward will be great....
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誠之：基督徒能做的是，1。 繼續為他們禱告，求我們的主給他們最好的禮物，照顧他們，恩待他們，賜他們一顆渴慕的心，尋求真道的心。2。 為自己禱告，求主加添自己的力量，多一點愛，多一點耐性、多一點智慧、多一點認真讀聖經、多一點了解神的話，多一點像基督，多一點無私地來款待他們，為主作最好的見證。
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wc：key:你需要你妹感恩，你妹不但不，反而覺得你壓她一頭。Your Solution: 你因該感謝神 賜 你能夠(are capable of helping her out),有這個能力,比如比她學得好,可以輔導他,比她早出國,可以擔保她,blabla---Solution to your sister: --------another story,
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比較：要放手；可能您某種程度上，有控制她的潛意識是你自己沒有查覺到。你對她的關愛，是否帶有父母式的管理？不然，為什麼她會有壓力？不知這是不是她要同你競爭的動力？還有，你應該使妹妹，看到你自己的軟弱，和依靠耶穌基督得能力的見證。沒有人會與軟弱的人產生競爭心態的。要使別人真正了解自己，不是將自己表現的多有能力，而是使他看到你也是一個有限的人，也有痛苦、灰心、失敗，也需要別人的扶持，幫助，愛。
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twofaces：what do you want?
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Yuehanmiao：願神祝福你。姊妹, 我沒看到你妹妹太多的問題,但是,我看到了你的苦毒,求神安慰你的心,多從正面去想你那可能沒你懂世理的妹妹.如果她真是盼你倒霉就象盼自己發達一樣,你更要憐憫她,在這個世界上有誰比你更應該包容她呢?!同時,正面指出她的問題,你盡了你的責任和義務,願神祝福你
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傷心的姐姐：感謝各位兄弟姐妹的真誠忠告。大家說的真好！我是要學會更好的寬容和接納妹妹一家。多一點憐憫和愛，多一點奉獻，少一點期待回報。為主作最好的 見證。我的心裡 現在坦蕩多了。感 謝主！
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852：感謝主
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傷心的姐姐： 求教：怎樣開導妹妹去理解原諒父母

本來是打電話談春假和給孩子過生日的事，可幾句話後，我們又轉到了那個老聲長談的話題：怎樣去理解，原諒父母。我猜妹妹又遇到了煩心的事，果然如此。這已經成了我們多年談話的規律。每當她遇到不順當的事兒，她總是情不自盡的報怨父母。把已前那些心酸的事，包括第一次大學沒考上，第二次大學志願沒報好，甚至來美後第一次婚姻失敗，學業上的挫折，等等，都最終歸結為她出身在一個不幸福的家，和我們那沒盡好責任父母。我很憐憫妹妹，她心靈的瘡傷的確很深，而且一直沒有癒合。由於文化大革命的批鬥，爸爸媽媽身心遭到極大的摧殘，妹妹出生一周后，我們就被送到鄉下。有一次妹妹掉進一個臭水泡里，差點沒淹死。爸爸媽媽被平反後，一心撲在工作上，尤其是媽媽，確實沒有把很多精力放在我們身上，而且有時打罵我和妹妹。 我以前也很傷心。不過，我早都解原諒父母。因為他們當時活着也不容易。我媽媽告訴過我，如果當年不是因為我和妹妹，她早就自殺了。就沖這句話，我的心就永遠充滿着對媽媽的愛和憐憫。可妹妹卻總也不忘那些痛苦的事。令我驚奇的是，20，30 年前的事，她可以從頭到未的說一變。就連媽媽的表情，語調，她也可以模仿。妹妹已是30 多歲的人了，還是害怕黑天，還是做一些小時候做過的惡夢。我告訴過她多次，主耶穌可以癒合她的瘡傷，驅趕她對黑暗的恐懼。可她說她這輩子是絕對不會信神的。自從她嫁給她現在的丈夫，她就越不信神了。因為她愛她的丈夫，她的丈夫信佛。我和她的丈夫多次在信仰，西藏獨立問題上爭論得臉紅脖子粗(所以他認為我是very competitive，我不象我妹妹，即使不同意，也不出聲)。現在我們雙方都在避免討論與信仰有關的話題。可是我覺得，除了主耶穌能解救妹妹，讓她徹底理解原諒父母，別無他法。各位主內弟兄姐妹，我除了禱告，寬容，憐憫和愛妹妹外，還怎樣去開導妹妹？謝謝
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852：真的很同情你，跟這麼個妹妹相處不容易。除了耶穌，沒別的出路，她願意這樣一輩子埋怨下去，實際上是不願意改的。她總要招個藉口為自己開脫，不願意自己面對自己的問題。我也沒轍，推薦你本書，你去挖挖看，能否挖出點什麼

看聯結：內在的醫治http://www.cclw.net/coach/neizaiyizi/index.html
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傷心的姐姐：謝謝您！剛簡略的看一便，就知道是本好書。很多處可以對號入座。
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greensea：maybe your sister isn't that bad

hi, "SAD SISTER": I read some of your posts and want to tell you my thinking.

1. your sister continued to give her kid pencil after the kid drew on your wall. This dosn't mean she wanted the kid to continue to draw on the wall. Maybe she just wanted the kid to have fun on the paper.If you think your sister in this way, that may mean there are a shadow in your own heart. Do you trust her?

2. from your posts, you really have a strong opinion against her husband. And you are so confident about yourself, that you didn't realize you have showed this to your sister from time to time. This is annoying and can be hurting to your sister , too. it would push her away from you.

My sister used not to like my husband. Her words on him always made me cry. The good thing is that my brother-in-law came in and made friends with my husband, now my sister started to change her attitude. When my sister was against my husband, I feel deeply hurt, because she was misreading his reponse and his actions all the time.when you judge your sister as a person with so many shortcomings, maybe you should check your own attitude , too. your pain is from your judgement which sounds like you want her to be like you but she dosn't. you are not the one who can judge, that's God's job even if the person you try to judge isn't a Christian.Do you want your sister to come to you and come to God,then tolerate her otherwise , you can just push her farther.

God bless. Love is a lesson that we need to spend whole life to learn. tolerance is an important part of it. Good luck.
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誠之: 不住的禱告，求神的恩典；不住的等候，等候神的旨意。同時充實自己，真正認識真道、傳講真道，以便“將各樣的計謀，各樣攔阻人認識神的那些自高之事一概攻破了,又將人所有的心意奪回，使他都順服基督”

你也要同時學一些輔導學的基本功課，例如如何運用同理心。同理心是要開導人最基本的技巧。不先認同，要想改變他人的想法是不可能的。而真正的認同就是讓對方真正感受到你真誠的關心，與真切的了解。換句話說，就是用基督無條件的愛來愛他們，讓他們真正感受到神的愛。

有個基本的事實與信念可以在你得到令妹的認同後，與他溝通：每一個父母，都是把他們所知最好的來給他們的兒女，這是天經地義、普世適用的。也許父母的方法不令我們滿意，他們的條件無法做到完美，但是他們一定已經盡力了。用他自己的孩子來作例子，應該可以讓他體會到這個事實。
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傷心的姐姐: 您說的真好！我是要進快的充實自己，好用神的真道去幫助妹妹。說來既慚愧又遺憾，雖然自己嫁了個基督徒多年，教堂也沒少去，可我受洗還不到2 年。找到這個網址才幾個月。感謝主的多年帶領，使我今天終於真正的，完全的順服，敬畏他。感謝主，恩賜我一個寬容，耐心等待引導我多年的丈夫。

我覺得，幫助我妹妹信主，關鍵在於先說服妹夫信服主。因為妹妹現在一切都順從妹夫，簡直他就是她的上帝。 可說服妹夫信基督真的很難。妹夫本來出生於基督徒家庭。12歲就受洗了。可由於爸爸早年過世，他的基督徒媽媽幾年之內多次改嫁，氣得他16離家出走。。。總之，雖然他至今還可以整段，整段的背下聖經的原文(他真的背給我們聽過)，他現在信佛教，搞得妹妹也信佛。

每次跟妹夫討論起來我就頭痛(因為我確實還沒學好聖經)。不過，我要記住您的話，不住的禱告，求神的恩典；不住的等候，等候神的旨意。並同時充實自己，學好真道。沒準有一天我真能說服他重新信主，讓妹妹得到靈魂的解救。
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852:沒準兒神用他來朔造你呢？等到時候到了，他就回頭了：）
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greensea: you are still against your sister

“因為妹妹現在一切都順從妹夫，簡直他就是她的上帝。”

It's not wrong for your sister to love her hubby since she had a bad first marriage. You are still so sensitive and kind of picky to her.
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