Forth Prayer: Realized that I AM a sinner, as bad as anyone could be…

I am sorry that it has been some a delay to write this part. It’s kind of hard for me to write it. It happened over a period of times, and there were a lot of details that might be length and boring to some of the readers, meanwhile, there were some personal details I would like to skip as well.
In the forth prayer, I finally realized that I AM a sinner, as bad as any person could be, meanwhile I gained my freedom from hatred and learned a valuable lesson which has helped me greatly in my life.

After I have believed in Christ, life become meaningful and enjoyable again. I love to read bible, and love to go to church. I particularly love the bible verse quoted on my church’s sign: “凡劳苦担重担的人，到我这里来，我就使你们得安息。”我特别喜欢主日结束时唱的《三一颂》，I love to take a deep breath, then sing the whole song without breathing again。 By that way, I felt I gradually released all the stress for that week, then recharge completely. :) In the years follows, I always picked the church, which will sing三一颂at the end of Sunday service. That time is a happy time in my life, except one thing: there is a deep dark hatred in my heart.

The hatred is a deep pain in my heart. From the first day I encounter Christianity, this hatred has become my stumble rock. One of the questions I had was that I couldn’t accept the fact that “Everyone is a sinner, and if anyone accept Christ Jesus as his savior, he will be saved, and he will go to Heaven.” I felt strongly against this: “It’s not fair! If XXX and XXX believe in Jesus, they will go to heaven; and my parents don’t believe in Jesus, they will go to hell. Is so, what kind of heaven is this? I would rather go to hell to be with my parents, instead of going up with those guys!” Sounds familiar? I guess a lot of people raised this question before. :)

However, my hatred was stronger than normal people would experience. Even after I have accepted Christ, sometime I dreamed 飞檐走壁and killed them using bomb or guns. (I read too much Kong Fu Novels. :) ) Meanwhile, sometime I dreamed something scarily and woke up in the middle of night. Hatred and fear took away my peace and joy, and I could not solve this problem for quite some time.

I talked to a few brothers I trusted, and they gave me a lot of helps. These helped a little bit, but my emotions would not go away. I knew the bible says I should love my enemy, yet I still hate them; I knew I should forgive their sin, otherwise the Lord will not forgive my sin, yet I simply can’t. 我不敢想我能爱仇敌，我甚至不企求不恨仇敌，我只求能忘却过去都无法做到。仇恨和恐惧依然如挥不去的噩梦紧紧地缠住我。

Even though those people did not help me resolve the issue, I would like to share a testimony that touched my heart. There was a Christ student, Mathew who helped a lot of foreign students, and we shared a dormitrate once. When he heard my story, he told me his own story. His family are all Christians, and love the Lord. Many of them had devoted their lives to God, and Mathew wanted to be a missionary. But his mother was murdered by a robber in her own home; she was stabbed over 16 times. His brother was a public prosecutor and personally went to court to convicted the person and put him behind bar. It was such a great pain in his heart that he was still in tears when he shew me the newspaper clip.

When I asked him would he be able to love the murder? He told me that he will not love this murder as a person; but if God asked him to go to the prison and share Gospel with him so that he could be saved, then he will he sure do that, because he love this soul. I was deeply touched by Mathew’s testimony.
My pastor also helped me, he told me that I would not be able to forget unless I forgive them, and he told me that as long as I do not forgive, I will be living in my own prison of hate, and I will not be able to receive God’s joy and peace freely. He told me that he understood my feeling, and he knew that I would not be able to do it by myself without God’s mercy and grace. So we decided to pray in front of God, and ask for his strength and mercy to be freed from the hatred.

I don’t recall how long it took, and I don’t recall how God answered my prayer. Anyhow, one day I suddenly realized that I should not hate them because I am as bad as them; I realized that if I were they, I probably would be much worst deeds than them. This realization stroked to the very core issue: I realized I AM A SINNER, WIHTOUT GOD’S GRACE, BY CHRIST’S BLOOD, I WILL HAVE NO REASON TO BE SAVED.

Let me explain why this holds the important key answer to all my questions, 因为我意识到至今为止我都自以为义. When I accepted the Christ, I said:” yes, I am not perfect”, but in my heart I thought I was not perfect, because there is no perfect man, I was as good as any normal person could be, because I had high education, 我对得起我的良心, I was far better than a lot of people. When I against the free salvation, saying it’s not fair and I would rather be in hell than in heaven with them, I was assuming that I was a much better people than they are, not only I put myself in the judge’s seat, I thought my standard was much more righteous than God’s standard. 就是在得救上，我也自以为义，就连我得救也是因为我比不得救的人好，比他们追求真理。

When I realized that I AM A SINNER, I reflected a lot of SINs I committed, and I reflected a lot of sinful thoughts I had. I would not able to hold any grounds, and I realized that there is no reason for God to save me, it’s not fair, it’s not logic to save me, and therefore it’s called GRACE. So if God can save me, God has right to save anyone he want. In another word, I better pray the God will save people like them, because I AM one of them.

Here, I would like to share a story made me realized that I was capable of killing and murdering. When I got Visa to come to US in 1990, people need to go to police station to get second approval to go aboard. My father and I went there in earily morning and the line was quite long. There was a young man came late, but directly went to the beginning of line. A lot of people questioned him but soon became quiet after he used harsh words to threat them. I could not stand it, and pointed to him and said: “Let me tell you, you better go back to line, I promised you that you will not get what you want today.” My father got scared and tried to pull me back, saying: “why do you have to confront him, what if he is a 小流氓”. I just exploded and yelled: “他是小流氓，我就不是小流氓？！他不怕死，我就怕死？！????，老子今天要是让他插成队，我就不是人！我死了他也别想活！！！”. That guy actually got scared and found an excuse and left the line later.

Looking back, it’s such a stupid act. If that guy did not leave, who knows what would happen? Even if that guy left the line, I already thought of 24 ways killing him in my mind, and I might already enjoyed the sensation of killing him in my mind. If I could kill over such a small issue, I am sure to kill over a much bigger 利益, or when I had great power. In our generation, we were taught the kind of heorism that “杀一个够本，杀一对赚一双”. We might not actually kill an individual before, it’s just because we are afraid of the consequence. But I realized I am fully capable of all these crimes, violences or killings, 只是有贼心没贼胆而已。

Realiazing I AM A SINNER just like them, took my hatred away. I am not sure I forgave them, or will be able to love them. But I felt released from the hatred, 因为我没资格恨他们，我只敢感谢神保守我，没有使我有机会犯下这样的罪。Being release from the hatred and fear, I finally had the freedom to receive the joy and peace from God.

From first prayer to the forth prayer, from asking God to come to my heart to realizing there is no righteous inside me and it is only by GRACE that a sinner like me could be saved, it took me about a year. These four prayers marked an important milestone in my journey of faith. It has been over 11 years since then, I never regreted.