豆沙糯米

BY 豆粘兒

我深吸了口氣，然後敲了敲門。

JOE打開了門，看着我說，“你神色不是很好哦。”

我故意有點氣惱地說“謝謝你”。我是不很高興他這麼說，但並不真惱他。

其實神色不好的是他。JOE最近遊手好閒地到處瞎逛，好象生命已沒意義了似的。也
不能怪他。過幾天就是他二十歲生日了。我要是到他這個年紀也會不知道怎麼辦，
可能會去瘋狂大購物，然後宣布破產什麼的。但JOE不是做瘋狂事情的人。他從不會
去做什麼不負責任的事，即使到最後一刻。我告訴過他他是那種豆沙糯米類型的人，
就是外頭又軟又干又冷，而內心又甜又溫情的人。我這麼說是讚美他，但他不把我
的話當恭維。他寧可認為自己是情緒不穩，脾氣暴躁，性情複雜的男子，內心冷得
象鋼鐵。我知道就是這種性格讓他對二十歲的來臨那麼煩躁。他許下過許多心願，
給了自己很高的期望，但到頭來什麼都沒實現。最近的一條壞消息是他想轉去一所
大學，結果沒被接收。

“那麼你今晚想作什麼？”我裝做隨便地問他。實際上我有點擔心。他是對自己很
嚴厲的人，什麼事都很容易上心，什麼時候做出往自己手腕上劃一刀的傻事都說不
定。事實是，我已經盤算了幾個星期了該怎麼跟他分手了，總是找不到合適的時刻。
我不想我的分手成為他的最後通牒。還是等他心情好的時候再說吧。

“我不知道。”他說。他在看網球比賽。這樣對他更不好，因為他原來就是想得到
那所大學的網球獎學金的。他還穿着睡衣，說明他又逃課了。而且兩天沒洗澡刮臉
了，身上有點氣味。還不算太難聞，但聞得出來。嘴邊長出鬍子渣來，不知他是不
是又想留鬍子了。

“要不我們去跳舞，就是上個月你朋友帶我們去的那家。”說不定跳舞能讓他高興
起來。

“我今晚不想碰見那幫小丑。”

“但我以為你們是好朋友。”

“他們都是窩囊廢。”

“他們是沒什麼上進心。”我無所謂地說道。“要不我們去街角的那家中餐館吧？”

他不耐煩地搶白說，“怎麼你什麼事都要先計劃好。我們就不能隨心所欲點？”

我不喜歡他這個樣子，對每個人都發脾氣。他真的是很痛苦。我想到要跟他分手就
很內疚。

我說，“好吧，那我們就隨心所欲好了。”說着在他的棕皮沙發上坐了下來。

JOE起身去洗澡準備了。我一邊坐着等。他的住處象個豬圈。我就幫他整理了一下。
一個邋蹋的環境對心情是不好的。但整理過了他的地方還是看起來髒兮兮和空洞。
既然他還在洗澡，我就抓了他的鑰匙出門去買些鮮花。鮮花會起調節作用，雖然JOE是
不會注意到這些東西的。但我想自己應該負責一下他的精神狀態。

當我拿着鮮花回到JOE的住所時，浴室的水還在響着。JOE不是花很長時間洗澡的人。
我敲了敲浴室的門。沒回應。我把門一擰，闖了進去。JOE坐在浴缸里，頭側在一旁，
好象睡着了。但有紅色的水渦在浴缸里旋轉着。我花了好一會兒，才找到他左腕上
一傷痕。血從那裡很平靜地溢出來。我抓着他的手腕大聲地叫出聲來。他被我吵醒
了，轉過頭來看着我。

“嫁給我。”他說。我想他神志並不清醒。

鄰居叫來了救護車。JOE在醫院住了一晚上，第二天就出院了。他流失了兩QUARTS的
血，但辛好還剩下足夠的血維持腦和心臟。

如果真讓那年輕身體裡的血全流下浴缸，該是多麼可惜的事。

(完)

Red Bean Mochi

I had to take a deep breath before I knocked on the door.

"You look like sorta depressed," Joe said as he opened the door.

"Thanks a bunch." I tried to sound offended, and I was a little, but I didn't
take it too personally.

Joe has been bumming lately because he thinks his life has passed him by.
You can't blame him. It must be hard staring at your twentieth birthday
in less than a week. I'm not sure what I would do in his shoes, maybe go
on an epic shopping spree then file bankruptcy or something. But Joe just
isn't that kind of guy. He would never do anything irresponsible even if
his life depended on it. I tell him that he's like red bean mochi, you know,
all soft and dry and cool on the outside but really very sweet and gooey
on the inside. I meant it as a compliment but I don't think he took it that
way. He sees himself as more of a moody, edgy, complex type of guy with
a steely inner core. I think that's why he's taking this twentieth birthday
thing so hard. He expected so much of himself based on his early promise
but nothing has materialized yet. The last straw was having his application
for transfer to the university rejected.

"So what do you want to do tonight?" I was trying to sound lackadaisical
but I was getting a little worried. I mean, he takes himself so seriously
he's the kind of guy who could do something goofy like slit his wrist. The
thing is, I've been trying to break up with him for a few weeks now but there
hasn't been a good time to do it. I didn't want to be the straw that broke
the camel's back. I figured it would be better to wait until he was in a
better mood.

"I don't care." He had been watching a tennis match. That probably made
things worse because originally he was hoping to get a tennis scholarship.
He was still wearing his sleeping t-shirt which means he cut classes again.
He hadn't shaved or showered in a couple of days now. He smelled. Not bad,
just noticeable. And there were long stubbles around his mouth and I wondered
if he was going to grow another mustache.

"Why don't we go dancing at that new club, you know that one your friends
took us to last month." I figured that might cheer him up.

"I don't feel like running into those jokers tonight."

"I thought you were really close."

"They're losers."

"They didn't seem terribly ambitious," I said noncommittally. "Well, why
don't we just go out for dinner at that Chinese place on the corner?"

He shook his head in exasperation and snapped at me: "The hell. Why does
everything have to be all scheduled out with you? Why can't we just play
it by ear?"

I didn't like the sound of that. He was lashing out at everyone. The poor
guy was in pain and I felt really guilty for wanting to break up with him.

"Okay, then," I said. "Let's just play it by ear." I sat down on an empty
patch on his big brown leather sofa.

I sat down to wait while Joe went to take a shower and get ready. His apartment
was a pigsty. I tidied up a bit. A grungy environment can be a downer. But
his apartment still looked dingy and bare. Since he was still in the shower,
I grabbed his keys and snuck out to buy some flowers. It would be a nice
touch, even though it wasn't the kind of thing Joe would probably notice.
Somehow I felt responsible for his state of mind.

When I got back to Joe's place with the flowers, I heard the shower still
running. It wasn't like Joe to take that long on a shower. I knocked on
the bathroom door. No answer. I turned the knob and rushed in. Joe was sitting
in the shower stall with his head tilted a little to one side. He looked
like he was sleeping, except for the red color swirling around the water
on the bottom of the stall. It took me a while to find the little gash on
his left wrist. The blood was draining from it rather peacefully. I grabbed
his wrist and screamed at the same time. I think I startled Joe awake because
he turned his head to look at me.

"Marry me," he said. I'm not sure he was entirely awake.

The neighbors called the ambulance. Joe spent the night at the hospital
and was released the next day. He had lost two quarts of blood but apparently
that still left plenty to keep his heart and brain functioning.

It would have been such a shame to let all that warm sweet blood just go
down the drain.

The End