My dog passed away yesterday morning after some painful ordeal with ketoacidosis, a severe type of diabetes. It happened so bad so fast, it's just too hard for me to accept it.

She was in intensive care for two days, and there were times that there were good signs that she might come back. Even at 8:30 on Sunday morning, I was told that her BG was just brought down to normal. I thanked god for the good news! But little less than 10 minutes, the doctor called again telling me that she was collapsing.

Now looking back, the one thing I regret the most is that I was not there with her at her final alert moment. The doctor said that while he was updating the good condition with me on phone, he saw that she was lifting up her head and looking around. It must be the moment of 回光反照 (hui guang fan zhao), because the time between her alertness and collapse was too short! I do believe that she was looking for me! She must be wondering where mom was and she wanted to say goodbye. But I was not there. I didn't get to tell her one more time how much I love her. It hurts so much whenever I think of this. Had I made it, at least it could give peace to both of us. I guess this will be one of the regrets of my life.

She was in coma when I got there. She didn't respond to anything I said. The doctor said that she was literally gone, and there was no hope. But I was in denial. After a painful struggle for decision, I kissed her for the last time, and I gave the doctors my final permission to unplug the oxygen and put her to sleep.

For a long while, I was unwilling for the doctors to take her away. They stepped out so that I could be alone with her. I started to talk to her. I thanked her for being with me for ten years ever since she was a few weeks old. I thanked her for being always there for me during my difficult times. I thanked her for all the joys she had brought to my life. I apologized as well, for my negligence to have caused her a bad leg by a kid, for yelling at her last week as she barked at a doorbell ring and woke up the baby, for that I didn't give her as much attention ever since I had the baby, for that I didn't catch any signs and symptoms that might have caused her sickness. 

I hope she was listening to me up there, or was she? 

I know it's going to be a sleepless night again tonight for me, but if I do sleep, I wish that she would come into my dreams and lick my face again, like what she did everyday when I came home from work, that she would fight with the baby to get held by me.

It feels weird that she's not on my laps now. Normally she is snoring on my laps at this time when I am at the computer. Gosh I miss her.

I'm going to pick up her ashes next Thursday.