聖餐與憶苦飯

來美國之前，我以為聖餐就是在教會裡吃飯，有一個由餓到飽的過程，可能還有點兒飲料供應，後來才知道它只是一種形式。在New Haven我常去華人宣道會，那裡每月第一個主日都有聖餐儀式。執行時，教會牧師鄭重地拿起一塊無酵餅說：這是主耶穌的身體，為我們捨命，我們吃這餅是為了紀念主。說着雙手把餅掰碎，放進一個銀盤，由司儀傳給大家。等每人都拾起一片後，牧師接着說，大家請吃下，以此來紀念主耶穌。隨後牧師又慢慢轉過身去從另外一個銀盤中端起一杯事先倒好葡萄汁兒說：這是主耶穌為我們捨命流的血。當他看到每個會眾手中都有杯後，仰天一望，大聲說道：請大家喝下此杯，以此來紀念為我們捨命的主耶穌。這時只見全教會的弟兄姐妹個個雙眼緊閉神情肅穆，喝葡萄汁兒的時候，好像有一股清流至上而下最後流入心田。這是世界各地基督教會沿用幾千年的紀念主耶穌的重要儀式，據說也是Yale神學院必修的儀式課。

我見過一個牧師他在掰餅的時候用一塊餐巾紙墊着，可能是考慮到了衛生問題。在座的會眾大多事業有成講究衛生，多年來一直未見有人對牧師雙手觸餅提出異議，在這裡我看到信仰的力量。我倒是有一次摸到一塊有霉味兒的小餅沒有咽下去，偷偷地放進了口袋，還是被一個湖北籍的基督徒看到。事後他問我為什麼沒把餅吃下，我忙說近來肚子不舒服。看得出你在注意別人的時候，人家也在觀察你。

與聖餐相比，憶苦飯就是實實在在地吃了。到底憶苦飯起源於何時？普遍說法是文革時期。我個人認為應該是一九六二年前後，那時國情不穩，為了穩定軍隊，各部隊通常在各大節日前進行憶苦思甜教育，節日大會餐前喝一點兒野菜清湯，廣大戰士就知道什麼是苦什麼是甜了。只不過到了文革，憶苦飯發展為有些登峰造極了，那時人人都知道吃一頓過去窮苦人貧下中農吃的粗糠野菜，才能明白舊社會的苦，今日新社會的甜。大約到了一九六九年全國上上下下各單位每個月的政治學習時都要安排工作人員吃憶苦飯，誰也不敢溜掉，進行憶苦思甜教育，期間單位領導通常還安排一位苦大仇深的老貧農講舊社會的悲慘生活，地主如何狠心剝削貧下中農，接着群眾高呼口號，“不忘階級苦，牢記血淚仇！”,“千萬不要忘記階級鬥爭！”。我手頭有張上海交通大學師生吃憶苦飯時的照片，前面的幾個表情嚴肅，在低頭認真地吃着，好像有點兒邊思邊憶邊體會的味道。

文革期間空軍為“全國學解放軍”的榜樣，人人都知道“全國學解放軍，解放軍學空軍！”，空軍更加“左”得出奇，時常標心立異。一九六九年我在蘭州軍區空軍大荔黃河灘農場勞動改造，趕上一次路線鬥爭傳統教育，場領導可能看到我們三個孩子的到來，有意把通常安排一頓憶苦飯改為連吃三天憶苦飯。現在看來這樣做原因可能有二，一是好好教育我們一下；二是看到我們來自空軍大院，而且父親還在位，他們表現積極一點兒，也許將來還有個出頭之日，這一點從我們來後連隊開始出早操可以看出。一天后連隊司務長不知從哪搞來一馬車胡蘿蔔和豆腐渣，說全連吃三天夠了。接着三天胡蘿蔔是菜，豆腐渣是飯。吃前馬本立指導員作了動員，在宣講了一套上級印發的階級教育提綱後，特別強調，糠這回就不給大家吃了，怕煮不爛刺傷胃。

第一天吃我覺得挺新鮮，胡蘿蔔是清蒸的，帶點兒甜味，豆腐渣從來沒吃過，好像我還吃撐了。一九六二年自然災害期間在育鵬小學住校時經常吃地瓜干，紅薯面，窩頭等類似的東西，那時的東西很多都帶有霉味兒，還沒有現在的好吃。每次吃飯的時候，馬指導員都強調，胡蘿蔔豆腐渣都是好東西，有營養，這些東西要真的在舊社會貧下中農還不見得吃得到呢。我也覺得這些東西除了吃多少拉多少外也沒有什麼不好，胡蘿蔔豆腐渣全屬粗纖維質，所以方便起來不干不稀特別舒服，回想起現在生活水平大大提高，飲食過於油膩，如果真患了腸癌，得了“三高”，再會過頭來吃這些東西不就為時過晚了嗎。現在我才聽說每天困擾毛澤東的不是別的而是大便問題。

第二天除了身體有些發軟外沒有什麼特別的不適。我看到戰士們個個吃得很認真，很少有嫌言碎語發牢騷的，因為他們大多是貧苦農民的後代，幾乎都在做着現在當兵入黨提干，將來復員進城娶老婆抱孩子吃皇糧的好夢。有的還在筆記本上寫下了心得體會，他們常把不會寫的字空着，有的乾脆用符號代替，可能是受顧阿桃的影響。上午開了個訴苦大會，下午就安排大家自學了，到了晚上戰士們大多東倒西歪躺着或坐着，或拿着《毛選》作作樣子等着吹響熄燈號了。我還好平時存有一些白糖，晚上泡了杯濃濃的糖水喝下舒舒服服地睡着了。

第三天大家普遍無精打彩，出操時很多人喊跑不動。我去上廁所，發現糞便已堆得像小山一樣，很難找個乾淨地方蹲下。廁所後面還有個豬圈，平常我喜歡去打打豬，這次我發現頭天倒在豬槽里的胡蘿蔔豆腐渣還是滿滿的，豬一夜幾乎連碰都沒碰。我忙跑回去對同從大院來的李強說:“什麼有營養！看豬都不吃了!”李強比我大兩歲，是個留級生，世故些，叫我說話注意點兒。可能領導也注意到了這個問題，因為晚上就要思甜了，萬一戰士吃暴了胃就不好辦了，馬立本永遠忘不了他餵馬時多餵了點兒胡豆和水撐暴了馬胃受到降職處分，午飯改為胡蘿蔔豆腐渣餡白麵包子了。戰士看見白麵包子抓起來就吃，我咬一口一看是胡蘿蔔豆腐渣餡兒心裡就不是滋味兒，於是就偷偷地把餡兒抖在地上，一連吃了六個白麵包子皮兒。結果這一舉動被一個甘肅籍的老兵看到，飯後他把我拉到一邊指責我浪費糧食，說着他掏出《毛主席語錄》翻來翻去，看樣子想找出一條不要浪費糧食的最高指示，可能文化水平太低，不識幾個字兒，急得臉上青筋都曝了出來。這件事兒過去幾十年了，現在想來也可理解。他對我說過他最怕復員回到甘肅老家，那裡嚴重缺水，老百姓靠夏天接雨水過日子，生活水平就可想而知了。他一想起復員一事常常半夜從夢裡驚醒。

到底聖餐與憶苦飯有無內在的聯繫，這裡一句話很難說清，從外表上看有些相像，都是在提醒會眾（群眾），不要忘記上帝（過去）。但問題常常發生在人身上，我們都知道，上帝看人是看人的罪性，文革中也出現了毛澤東思想是照妖鏡的說法，如果你也同上帝一樣，用上帝的眼光看人的罪性，文革時用毛澤東思想照妖，看不到同學之間有真情，看不到人與人之間有善良，看不到能在一起多美好，那可不就國家戰事不斷，鄰里家庭吵鬧不休，同事鷸蚌相爭，兄弟煮豆燃萁，每天說起話來熱耳酸心，到哪都是掙啊，奪啊，搶啊什麼的。可不人生開始時就會尋尋覓覓，冷冷清清，到後來悲悲慘慘淒淒戚戚了，說不定還會斷腸人在天涯呢。

08/10/06

Holy Communion vs Yikufan*

Before coming to the USA, I thought that the Holy Communion meant having a meal inside a church, which might also come with free drinks. During this process, a person would go from feeling hungry to being fully satisfied. Later on I learnt that it was merely a formality. At New Haven, I often attend an overseas Chinese Christian congregation, where the Holy Communion is held on the 1st Sunday of each month. During the ceremony, the Minister will solemnly pick up a piece of gluten-free wafer or bread and say: this is the body of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has given his life for us. We are eating this today in order to honour the memory of our Lord Christ. So saying, the Rev will proceed to break bread into smaller pieces with both hands and place them in a silver plate and have it passed around the congregation. After everyone has received a piece of bread, the Rev will then say, please take this piece as a way to remember Lord Jesus Christ. Then, slowly turning around to another silver plate on which stands a glass filled with dark grape juice, the Rev proceeds to raise the glass and announce that this is the blood shed by Lord Jesus Christ in sacrificing his life for us. When every member of the congregation has a glass of grape juice in hand, the Rev will, cast a look heavenwards, then proclaim in a loud voice: please drink it up in memory of our Lord Jesus Christ who sacrificed his life for us. At this moment, the sisters and brothers of the congregation all look awestruck, who, whilst maintaining a dignified silence with eyes tightly closed, will drain the glass of grape juice, which flows like a clear stream down to the bottom of each congregant’s heart. This has been an important ceremony in the Christian churches around the world for centuries as a means of commemorating Lord Jesus Christ. It is said that this is also a compulsory ceremony course for those who study at the Yale Divinity College.

Once, I saw a minister using a serviette to cushion the bread when breaking it up, which might have been done out of consideration for hygiene purposes. Among the congregation, most members are successful people in their respective careers, who naturally place a premium on cleanliness and health. Over the years, nobody has ever objected to seeing the Rev touching the bread with bare hands, here I clearly witnessed the power of faith. Once I accepted a piece of bread which tasted slightly mouldy so I did not swallow it, instead I quietly placed it inside my pocket. This action was still spotted by a Christian brother who was from Hubei Province in China. Afterwards, he asked me why I did not eat it. I hastened to explain that I had been suffering from stomach ailments lately. It is obvious that whilst you are observing others, other people are also looking over you as well.

In comparison with the Holy Communion, Yikufan was eaten for real. When did the practice of eating Yikufan actually begin? It was commonly believed to be during the Cultural Revolution in China. I personally think it started around 1962. At that time, China was going through a period of turmoil. In order to stabilise the army, all army units started the practice of Yikusitian education campaigns (which involved people to contrast the miserable past with the blessed present) during various national or public holidays. Prior to those meetings, mostly organised around public holidays, the soldiers at army units were served some light soup made of wild vegetables, this was so that they would understand why the past was so bitter and the present so very sweet. When the Cultural Revolution broke out, the practice of eating Yikufan reached its height or pinnacle. By then, everybody was made fully aware that only through personally eating the chuffs and wild vegetables which had been the daily intake of the poor peasants in the past, could they properly understand the miserable old society and fully appreciate the blessed new society. By 1969, all the work units at various levels throughout China started to conduct monthly political study sessions, during which they would always incorporate eating Yikufan as a means to get their people to compare the bitter past against the sweet present, an activity nobody would dare to skip. During this campaign period, the unit authority would usually arrange an old peasant who had been through much hardship to make a special presentation by recounting his miserable life in the old society. He would tell people about how the heartless landlord would ruthlessly exploit the peasants, hearing thus, the audience would then shout slogans like: “Don’t forget the hatred of the exploiting class nor the bloody debts owed by our class enemies”! “Never ever forget class struggle!” To this day, I still keep a picture taken of students from Shanghai Jiaotong University taking Yikufan. The students on the front row all wore a solemn expression, who, with lowered heads, were bent on eating Yikufan, while at the same time seeming to have lost in deep thinking, and trying hard to make sense of the bitter past.

During the Cultural Revolution, the Air Force was the exemplary model for the so called “the whole nation should follow the People’s Liberation Army (PLA)’s suit” Campaign. Everyone knew that “the whole nation was supposed to learn from the PLA and the PLA in turn would learn from the Air Force”! The Air Force was extremely “leftist” and constantly came up with new, different and unique ways to do things. In 1969, I was undertaking labour reform at Dali Yellow River Farm which was affiliated with the air force of Lanzhou military district. It happened to be right bang in the middle of a traditional education campaign aimed at fighting against the rightist movement. Upon seeing the arrival of our three youngsters, the authority figures there decided to change the previously planned one Yikufan to having it for three consecutive days. The reason for this might well have been twofold: first, it was to serve to thoroughly educate us; secondly, seeing we were from the airforce compound, with our fathers still occupying their respective high ranking positions, they felt that by demonstrating some initiatives, they could hopefully one day get recognised and promoted. This we confirmed when we saw them marshalling all of us to do morning exercises. A day later, the company officer somehow got hold of a whole cartful of carrots and tofu scum and said this would be sufficient to last the whole company for 3 days. Carrots would be served as dishes and the tofu scum as rice. Before eating it, Instructor Ma Ben Li gave a pep talk, during which he read aloud the outline of class struggle education issued and printed by the authority, followed by a strong emphasis on the fact that harsh stuff like chuff would not be given this time to avoid hurting the stomaches of all the people involved.

On the first day, I felt the whole thing quite novel. Carrots were steamed which tasted slightly sweet. I had never had tofu scum before, so I remember over-stuffing myself that day. During the natural disaster year of 1962 in China, when boarding at Yupeng Primary School, I often ate dried sweet potatoes, noodles made of sweet potatoes and steamed corn bread, etc. At that time, a lot of things smelt mouldy, and did not taste as nice as Yikufan. Every time when we were partaking of Yikufan, Instructor Ma emphasized the fact that both carrots and tufu scum were good nutritious foods, which during the old society were not actually available to the poor peasants. I also felt that apart from the fact that what we ate was then passed out intact, there was nothing else bad about it. Both carrots and tofu scum consist of crude fiber, so it made bowl movement smooth, effortless and comforting. Now with a significantly higher living standard these days, the foods we eat tend to be far too oily for our own good. If one is found with bowel cancer, or suffers the so-called 3 highs, namely, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and high blood sugar, he/she then resorts to eating those foods again, it usually will be a bit too late. I recently found out that what bothered Mao Zedong everyday was precisely bowel disorder.

On the 2nd day after eating Yikufan, apart from feeling a bit listless, I did not experience any other particular discomfort. I could see that all the soldiers ate it with a great deal of zeal and did not complain or say anything negative. They were the younger generation of poor peasants and all dreamt of getting enlisted into the army and promoted so that when it was time to leave the army, they could expect to marry, have children and receive a permanent income. Some of them also noted down in writing their experiences and feelings, and they’d leave spaces for words they could not write, some even used symbols in place of words they did not know how to write, maybe they were influenced by Gu A Tao. In the morning, there usually would be a session aimed at prompting us to remember the bitter past which would be followed by self-study in the afternoon in the barracks. When evening came, the soldiers would lie down or sit down in all manner of postures, or pretending to be reading “Selected Readings of Chairman Mao” until the curfew whistle sounded to inform all to turn off the lights. I kept some white sugar at the time, so I would prepare myself a glass of hot sugary water in the evening which made me sleep very soundly after drinking it.
On the 3rd day, all of us felt limp and listless, when going out for physical exercises, many people said they could not muster up enough strength to run. I went to the toilet, and found the droppings heaped very high like a small hill. It was very hard for me to find a clean space to do my thing. There was a pigsty behind the toilet, I liked to pat the pigs usually, but this time, I found that the vessels in which we poured the carrots and tofu scum on the 1st day was still full and it was quite obvious that even the pigs did not bother to touch the stuff there overnight.
I immediately ran back to inform Liqiang who also came from the air force compound of my finding. “How could they say the stuff were nutritious, even the pigs refused to eat them! Liqiang was 2 years older than me, he repeated a grade, and having more worldly wisdom, he cautioned me against saying too much. Maybe the leaders had noted this problem, too. That particular evening was to be devoted to focusing on the bliss of our present happy life, it would not be a pretty sight if the soldiers ate to bursting point. Ma Liben could never forget the incident in which he overfed the horse with water and strictosidine which caused the horses’ stomachs to burst as a result and he got demoted as a punishment. Lunches changed into white flour buns stuffed with mixed carrots and scum instead. Seeing buns made of white flour, I bit on it straight away. Upon seeing the content of carrots and scum, I was very disappointed. I surreptitiously shook out the stuffing onto the floor and ate only the wrapping. My action was witnessed by an old soldier who hailed from Gansu Province. After the meal, he took me aside and reprimanded me for wasting food. So saying, he fumbled in his pocket for perhaps Chairman Mao’s instructions concerning the need to not waste any food. With a very limited education, he could hardly recognise many words, so he looked very anxious to the point that his veins bulged. The matter now was in the distant past of several scores of years, I felt I could understand why he carried on the way he did. He said to me that he most dreaded the prospect of returning to his old home in Gansu, where there was a severe water shortage, and the people there relied on scarce rainwater to subsist. The extent of the abject poor living standard of the ordinary people at the time was quite imaginable. He often woke up from a nightmare in the middle of the night which threatened to send him home to Gangsu.
Whether there was any inherent analogy between the Holy Communion and Yikufang, it is hard for me to sum up in a word. However, there is some resemblance as they both were aimed at reminding the congregation (masses), not to forget God (past). The problem is usually with us humans, we all know that in God’s eye, humans are sinful. During the Cultural Revolution, there was also the saying that Mao Zedong Thoughts were a mirror which could reflect the good and evil. If like God, you also look at the sinfulness of humans, and use the so-called Mao Zedong Thought during the Cultural Revolution to recognise evil, it would be impossible to see that there were actually true feelings among students and there was kindness among humans. Without being able to see the harmony of people, it is therefore of little wonder that nations fight against one another, neighbours argue incessantly over trivialities and colleagues fight and brothers torture or trample upon each other. If everyday, all people ever say to each other are words which are hurtful, there will always be endless fights. Didn’t we begin life’s journey seeking, searching, feeling alone, and later on, it is often accompanied by an overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness. Who knows, one can well end life broken-hearted and in a strange place!


Translator’s note:

Yikufan* refers here to special meals prepared or rather designed to allow people who eat it to contrast past misery against present happiness.