Memory

One mostly remembers what is good about himself and forgets what is bad. Memory is very selective, very biased, no matter how much one tries to be neutral. But I’ll have a try.

My earliest memory

I am from Zhejiang, the smallest province in China. It is south of Shanghai. My earliest memories were life in a small village with my maternal grandpa, my two uncles and my aunt. They live in the same house. My younger uncle and my aunt were not married at the time. My elder uncle and his wife, my aunt in law, didn’t have kids then. I was the only kid in the whole family. You can imagine how spoiled I was.

I never saw my grandmas, maternal and fraternal sides. They both died of starvation in the early 1960s. At that time, the government grabbed the land from the peasants. Many peasants died during that period. To win the support of the people during their take over, the Communist Party promised to distribute the land to the peasants. After they consolidated the power, they took all the land back from the peasants in 1958. Many peasants died in 1959, 1960 and 1961. You might ask why such a policy can be implemented.

Whenever someone suffers, someone else benefits. Whenever someone suffers more, someone else benefits more. This is the conservation law, the first in thermodynamics and the first law in economics. The poverty of the Chinese peasants is the greatest source of economic efficiency in China. The rulers of China benefit greatly from the poverty of Chinese peasants. Most of the world benefit greatly from the cheap Chinese products, made by the low cost Chinese labors.

The current Chinese government came into power in 1949. Before that, China was developing very rapidly. In the Problem of China, first published in 1922, Bertrand Russel noted,

All the Great Powers, without exception, have interests which are incompatible, in the long run, with China's welfare and with the best development of Chinese civilization. Therefore the Chinese must seek salvation in their own energy, not in the benevolence of any outside Power. (P 254, chap 15)

The rise of China greatly alarmed the Great Powers. Together they helped toppled the Chinese government and helped the Communist Party to power. 

When I was a small child, the lives of most people were very harsh. However, my own earliest memory was very happy. I wasn’t at all aware of the sadness around me. Most of time, I would tail my younger uncle all around. He graduated from the high school in 1966, the year of the beginning of the Culture Revolution. He was very academically oriented and was destined to go to a university that year. But all universities closed down that time. He had to come back to his home village. Since he was so excellent in academics, he never expected he would become a peasant, like his father and his elder brother. In China in those days, the only way a rural person to leave the peasantry behind is through exam to colleges. Since there were very few colleges in those days, few peasants can actually leave the land. But both my mother, the eldest child in the family, and my younger uncle, the third child in the family, were exceptionally gifted in learning. My mother left the village several years ago. But my younger uncle was not so lucky.

Being a peasant is physically demanding. My younger uncle was physically feeble. He had a nickname, Little Porridge. When he was born, my grandma was so weak that she didn’t have any milk. Instead, he was fed with porridge and got a nickname Little Porridge.  

He tried various works, such as substitute teacher and painter. But he never got anywhere until university exams reopened more than ten years later, after the death of Mao. I was with him for several years in his darkest days. I didn’t do anything for him. I wasn’t even aware of his sadness. But he was very fond of me and I was very fond of him. Several years later, my mother came to bring me back. I was unwilling to get on bus. He tricked me and said he would go with me as well. That was how I left my younger uncle.

I am also quite attached to my grandpa, my elder uncle and my aunt in law, and my aunt. My aunt is like my second mother. I often sat by her while she was cooking. In those days in the villages, people burn straw for cooking. We need to pull and push a bellow to blast air into the furnace. My aunt would put straws into the furnace. I would help her blow the bellow. The warmth of the furnace is a very pleasant feeling, especially with my aunt by my side.

My aunt thought I should I go to the school. I had nothing to do anyway. I could be three or four at that time. I don’t have precise memory about my age in those days. We didn’t have birthday parties. Nobody would tell me how old I was. The first day I went to school, somehow I didn’t follow the order of the teacher precisely. He asked me to stand up. I didn’t. The teacher came to my seat and dragged me to a small dark room and locked me there. He didn’t release me until the end of the day. I never went back again.

From a very young age, I seem to have problem understanding what others say or mean. It seems I always miss something everyone else knows. That causes a lot of trouble in my life. That is also the reason why I make so many fundamental discoveries (or blasphemies) throughout the years.

My aunt taught me how to read and write. Soon I finished the textbooks. I had a hunger for anything with words. But it was a village. There were few books and printing materials in those days. My younger uncle went to school. He had some textbooks left behind. Somehow, I picked up those books by myself. I remember there was a history book. The beginning part was the primitive society. In a picture, many people were hunting a big elephant. I was especially interested in the world maps. I can recite the names of all countries and capitals.

It was in the countryside. Springtime, clovers are everywhere in the fields. Peasants grow clovers to fertilize the field. Clovers can fix nitrogen from the air. Summertime, or autumn time, the peasants have to finish cutting the ripe rice and plant seedling in several precious days. They have to bend down their bodies to cut the rice and plant seedling. That was backbreaking work. I would send snacks to my grandpa and elder uncle, who are busy in the fields all day long. They work very hard. But life in the countryside was mostly idyllic for a small boy.

Labor camp

Soon after my sister was born in September, 1970, my mum, my sister and I moved to a labor camp in Jiangxi Province, where my dad stayed.

It was a telegram. My mum received a telegram, instructing the whole family to go to a certain place in Jiangxi Province. My mum brought my sister and me. We took trains and buses. My sister was a tiny baby. She cried a lot on the way. Finally, we got off a bus. Someone from my dad’s university came to greet us.

Apparently, my dad made some “mistakes”. My mum was called to “help” my dad. For the first time, four persons in our family came to live together. It was a remote village in a mountainous region in Jiangxi Province. The university where my dad worked was from Beijing. During the Culture Revolution, it was once resettled to this remote village as a labor camp, to have university teachers re-educated.

Shortly after I arrived, I was chased down by two boys from a family. I rushed back to my home. Before my parents opened the door, two boys were about to catch me. I had to run again. When I finally run back to my home after another circle, I rushed back inside my home. The two boys rushed in, trying to beat me in front of my parents. My dad got very angry, driving out two boys, one is slightly older than me and the other is slightly younger than me. The boys shouted at my dad, “May 16! May 16!”

“May 16” is supposed to be a reactionary group. I never get to know the details. But my dad was supposed to be a member of that group and hence a bad guy. It was a strategy to bring in the whole family of the bad guys to the labor camp to help the bad guys. In effect, with whole family as hostages, the bad guys break down much easier.

Soon, I went to the daycare as my parents work in the fields. One day, the little kids from the daycare joined a public gathering. My dad was brought in front of the public. People shouted angry slogans denouncing my dad.

But life was not always bleak. In front of our home was a hill. In the springtime, the whole hill was full of azalea flowers. I often wandered on the hill by myself. It was great surrounded by so many bright red flowers.

We need to get water from local creek or spring. Once I went to get water with my dad. To get cleaner water, we dug the sand deeper. I watched the spring water coming out of the sand. The flow of water seems unending.

Later the situation got less tense. My dad would go to the woods to cut down some trees and bring them back. He saw the tree trunks into planks, used a plane to smooth the planks, and make some simple furniture. We got a table and some stools.

I couldn’t remember when we left the labor camp. I don’t know how the labor camp ended. In September, 1971, Lin Biao, the number two guy in China, died in a mysterious plane crash. After that, tensions started to ease. Probably labor camp ended shortly after.

P.S. The official name for the labor camp was May 7 Cadres’ School. May 7 referred to a certain instruction by Mao, the supreme leader of China. May 16, 1966, was the day Mao post his article on the national newspaper, thus starting the Culture Revolution.

Between Wenzhou and Beijing

My mum worked in Wenzhou. My dad worked in Beijing. I split my time between Wenzhou and Beijing.

My mum grew up in a small village. After she finished elementary school, my grandpa wanted her to stop going to school and help out in the family. A teacher of my mum said he will pay for my mum’s tuition for junior high. It was only a little bit money. But it was very difficult for a peasant to get even a very small amount of money. In the old time, buying salt was a big expenditure for a family. Salary originally means payment in salt. You can imagine extra expenditure was a big burden.

My mum got to go to the junior high. After graduation, her teachers recommend her to continue high school. But my grandpa wouldn’t have it. In the end, my mum went to an agriculture college. It was free of tuition. It also provided stipend. This was a huge relief for a peasant’s family.

After graduation from the agricultural college, my mum was assigned a job in Wenzhou. That was how she ended up in Wenzhou.

My dad had similar situation. But he had an elder sister. She went to work early and support her younger brothers. My dad’s family has one eldest sister, followed by four brothers. It is exactly like our family. My dad was the eldest son. My dad got to go to high school and later university. He went to Beijing College of Geology and stayed there after graduation. In those days, you become a university teacher immediately after your graduation from undergraduate program.

In Mao’s China, peasants were slaves. For most people from the countryside, going through the schools was the only way to free themselves from the bondage of peasantry. But the numbers of slots are few and the costs are high for peasants. Only a very small percentage of people manage to attain that.  

When I first arrived in Wenzhou, my mum sent me to a daycare for city government employees. That was a very large facility from a small boy’s perspective. The kids stayed there for the whole week and went back home each Saturday. Once, there was a huge typhoon. The whole city was badly flooded. Temperature dropped sharply. I got a very bad cold and got quite sick. Eventually I had to stay in a hospital for quite a while for heart disease. That was a very happy time for me. My mum stayed with me in the hospital all the time.

After I was discharged from the hospital, the daycare wouldn’t accept me anymore due to my health conditions. But I was very happy to stay with mum all the time. I went wherever she went. She generally stayed in her office. From time to time, as an agricultural expert, she would visit fields all over the places. I am usually the only child in the workplace. But that doesn’t bother me. I actually enjoyed the workplace much more than daycare. I love reading. Most of time, I read those technical notes about agriculture, which were often the only written materials available. I get to go to many villages and small towns. There are many smart dreamers in villages. They would display their designs and inventions to my mum. Many of these people became immensely wealthy soon after the death of Mao.

I was born in 1966. I must have gone to school in 1973, at seven. Soon after I went to school, it became apparent that I did very well in learning. Excellency in learning is respected most of time in most places. For my long school years, life was very easy, mostly.

Cultural Revolution was mainly cultural, or non-military. But military confrontations did occur. In Wenzhou, my mum and I lived in a hotel room. One night, while we were asleep, there was a loud knocking on the door. One militant section, which was in the outskirt, sneaked into the city. They took over the hotel, which was three levels high. It was one of the tallest buildings in the city. The militias asked us to move to a ground floor room not exposed to potential bullets. We, together with some other hotel guests, stayed in a dim room for several days. Later, there was an agreement between two sides in fighting. There was a short period of ceasefire to allow the hotel guests leaving safely. We rushed to the harbor, waited for a long time and got on a ship to Shanghai. Then we took a train to Beijing.

In Beijing, my dad borrowed many books from the university library to satisfy my hunger for books. But there were not many books, not many nontechnical books anyway. He would borrow Three Kingdom, Journey to the West and By the Waterside (水滸)。 Those were in complex Chinese characters, which I don’t know very well. I manage to read those books without much understanding.

On the weekends, my dad and I would visit many historical places. One of our favorite places is the Summer Palace, which was within a long walking distance. My dad would pack a lunch for us and we walked to the Summer Palace together. The Summer Palace is huge. In those years, there weren’t many visitors. I was especially fond of wandering on the long corridors painted with many historical figures. My dad would tell me exciting stories behind each painting. He was in his element when he talked about these ancient stories. He grew up with those stories. They are in his blood.

Many years later, I went to the Summer Palace with Simon, eager to repeat the magic as a dad. But I immediately recognized how inadequate I was. I could only vaguely remember some stories. Certainly, I didn’t have the same passion for those legendary figures as my dad.

Wuhan

My dad worked for Beijing College of Geology. The universities moved around in several places during the Cultural Revolution. Eventually, it settled in Wuhan. My mum got a transfer to the university. Finally, all family members came to live together in Wuhan. That was the beginning of 1976.

Wuhan is a huge city. The city is divided into three parts by Chang Jiang (Long River) and Han Shui (Han River). Many lakes, such as East Lake and South Lake, dot all over the city. Hills after hills sprawl along the city. The geographical stretch of Wuhan is immense.

When we first arrived at Wuhan, the construction of the new university hadn’t finished. We took refuge in another university, Central China College of Agriculture. The university is in rural area. The campus is vast. This is typical for an agriculture university.

Every day, it took some time for us to walk to school from where we live. It was an enjoyable walk. I was in grade four when I first arrived. In our class, one student was a son of the school principal. He was the class president, the dominant figure among the students. All students defer to him, but most also harbor resentment privately. One day, a classmate of mine complained that he was being bullied by the son of the school principal over the weekend. Many were upset but few were willing to challenge him. I was clumsy and slow, rarely a fighter. But that day, I gave the first punch. Many fellow classmates followed.

There was consequence fighting the son of the school principal. I was singled out as the instigator and got into a lot of trouble. I was beaten several times by a teacher, who wasn’t teaching me any class. But those who taught me were all very nice to me. Probably a lot of teachers had private sympathy toward me.  The son’s attitude toward other students may mirror the father’s attitude toward other staff. That incident was very important to me. Before that, I was mostly a good student, harvesting many awards each term. After that, I became a bad student.

Mao died in 1976. Soon change was in the air. College exams resumed the next year. So are entrance exams for selective middle schools.

I graduated from the elementary school in 1977, took the entrance exam for selective middle schools and got accepted into a school, which turned out to be the best high school in the whole province.

When I first arrived at the middle school, I saw many confident, smart looking classmates. In the first midterm, my math ranked 15, among 50 students in my class. I was thrilled and bragged with my mum about it. In the final exam, I rose to the top. In the second year, I was number one among all classes in the math competition. Ranking in math competition is the ultimate measure of brilliance.  Soon after that, I lost interest in ranking. Instead, I pursued my own interests.

The provincial library was not very far from my school. Its reading room was open to senior high students. As soon as I became a senior high student, I went there almost every day after classes. There were very few books and magazines in the reading room. But I got to think about science problems early on.

I enjoyed deriving formulas in sciences, mostly in physics. Because I have spent so much time going over the basic results in science myself, I am very aware that the foundation of science is not as solid as most assume. I also enjoy solving the same math problems with different methods. By solving the same problems with different methods, I can be very certain if I get the correct results. I depend less on the affirmation of expert opinions. I got used to look at math problems and other problems from many different angles. To me, the whole science is an integrated topic. Having worked on so many math problems, I developed a good intuition about mathematics. Years later, when I worked on the theoretical foundation of economics and finance, I can easily sense the problems.

When we use logic a little bit too much, we get into trouble quickly. To illustrate this point, let’s use some of today’s examples. Carbon dioxide is a greenhouse gas. Carbon dioxide makes the earth greener. Why is the Green Party against carbon dioxide? In academics, there is affirmative action. Some races are supposed to be disadvantaged. But in sports, why doesn’t the same logic apply? In NBA games, almost all players are blacks. Where is equity and diversity? When I was in high school, I asked too many questions that the teachers didn’t want to answer. They got me into their offices. I had to write confession letters before I was allowed back to the classroom. But my teachers really love me. They shield the politically incorrect from the political consequences. I flourished in the school. My progress was never hindered. In the end, I got to go to the university of my choice.  

I was very fortunate to have many talented teachers. My fortune was due to their misfortune. At other times, you wouldn’t expect people with great talent teach in a secondary school. Many of them, being abused in most of their life, have long lost their aura and halo. But they have God like existence in my mind, protecting and blessing me in my difficult times.

In my junior high years, the new campus of the College of Geology was being built. Our family moved to there. It was not far away from the East Lake, the largest lake in Wuhan. There are sprawling hills at the back of the campus and around the East Lake. With my family, with my friends, or more often by myself, I would hike through hills and walk on dykes for long time.  

In many ways, Wuhan is my real hometown. Growing up, I had lived in Wuhan longer than anywhere else.  

Shanghai

At the end of the high school, I took the college entrance exam and chose to attend Fudan University in Shanghai. I got enrolled in the math department. My major was applied math. I love pure math. But I want to work on something concrete, something with images. With concrete images, I can imagine. Based on concrete images, imagination can fly. Most of my future works are applied math, broadly defined.    

Wuhan is at the middle section of Chang Jiang (Long River). Shanghai is at the mouth of Chang Jiang. I usually took passenger ships between two cities. It took two days downstream and three days upstream. But the trips were quite relaxed.

I arrived Shanghai in 1982. China was undergoing rapid changes then. Shanghai was the most cosmopolitan place in China. There were exciting public talks everywhere in the campus. I often attend those talks, trying to figure out what’s going on. But most of the time, I would go to libraries to read or borrow books.

Some of my classes are in the math building. There was a math library at the second floor. A lot of books in English were stored there. The math library was open to faculty, graduate students and senior undergraduates. After my classes, I would often go up to check the math library. If no librarian was at the door, I would sneak into the room and browse the books. I often stay there for a long time. Maybe the librarian didn’t notice the trespassing. Maybe the librarian didn’t care about the trespassing. Anyway, I was never kicked out.

Math books fascinated me. So did many other books. Bible was a banned book in China then. But a church in Shanghai sold bible privately. I heard about it and bought a copy at the church. I love reading bible. I love reading bible so much that many pastors I met hate me. This is not restricted to Christianity. This is not restricted to religion. Whether it is a theology or a theory, it is about theo, or god. In any business, profession or society, someone “who knows too much” is a threat to the establishment.

I was hungry for books. I read too many books. By the second year at the university, my eyesight blurred very badly. I had to take a year off. After resting for a year, my eyesight returns to normal, and I return to school. Over the years, I often live in cycles of overwork vs. exhaustion and depression.

Many people know the 1989 demonstrations in China. There were large scale demonstrations at the end of 1986 as well. In 1989, the largest demonstrations occurred in Beijing. In 1986, the largest demonstrations occurred in Shanghai. I participated the demonstrations actively. Someone reported me to the math department. The department initiated an investigation. They even inquired through my parents’ university. Shao Wei, who was working in the department at that time, learned about this and quietly settled the issue.

At the university, all students reside in dorms.  There are four bunkbeds in a room. Seven students live in a room. One empty bed is for baggage. Living in close quarters for a long time, students often develop close bonds. Shao Wei and I lived in the same room. We became very close. He is very resourceful.  I, on the other hand, has always been a bookworm. Over the years, he has helped me and my family tremendously.  He is very much like my brother.

I went back Wuhan for winter vacation at the end of the term. When I went out and saw acquaintances, I said hello to them. But no one seemed to notice me. Once mum was chatting with me. She talked about those rightists from 1957.  Many committed suicides or lived in utter despair. But some were pretty optimistic and tried to live a normal life as much as possible. Those who are optimistic usually did very well in the end. I was very confused why mum told me such a story. Later I realized that everyone knew that I was being investigated.

Due to Shao Wei’s help, I didn’t get into trouble. It was the final year of my undergraduate study. I need to decide where I would go for graduate program. I want to go to Beijing. My interest is very broad. But I really want to understand how life works from the perspective of physics. Life is a thermodynamic process. Thermodynamic processes are represented by partial differential equations. I want to learn more about partial differential equations. 

I attended the entrance exam for graduate programs. I got extreme high scores, with an average of 83. This was a big surprise to many. I hang around with bad students. I often miss classes. I usually got bad grades. But I love mathematics, just didn’t pay much attention to the coursework. I often discuss math with several students from year 81. (I was from year 82. After taking one year off, I became year 83, graduating in 1987.) I learn a great deal from them.

Wherever I stay, I love to explore surrounding areas. While I was in Shanghai, I visited many places in Shanghai and several nearby cities. I also made two hiking trips in Zhejiang. One is in the summer of 1986 and the second is in the summer of 1987.

At that time, not many people took hiking trips. I didn’t know where to go. But I knew some paintings about Fuchun Jiang (Fuchun River). I thought this might be a good choice. A classmate and I started from Hangzhou, the capital city of Zhejiang. We walked along Fuchun River to Fuyang, then to Tonglu. The view along the river was indeed very beautiful.  At that time, my classmate got a fever and returned in a bus.

I noticed that Fenshui Jiang (Fenshui River) seemed more beautiful. I changed my plan and walked along Fenshui River instead. On the way, I saw a rundown village called Nanbao. Was it the famous Nanbao we read about in the elementary school textbooks? There was an old lady sitting outside. I asked, “Is it Nanbao?” She said yes. But I wasn’t very sure. When I walked by another village, I asked someone again, “Is it the famous Nanbao?” He said yes. From what I read from the textbook, Naobao must be an exciting, vibrant community. But what I saw was a lifeless village.  

I kept walking. It was getting dark. But there was no sign of any lodging. When the sun absorbed its last ray and sank down over the horizon, my heart sank as well. I was very tired. But I had to keep walking in the darkness. Finally, I saw a dim light. Up close, it was a small inn. I registered for a bed, put things down, and walked to a nearby creek for a bath. I lay my head on a rock and let flowing water soothing my exhausted body. It was like heaven.

In the end I reached Tianmu Shan (Tianmu Mountain). I went back home from there.

In the summer of 1987, I was graduating and about to go back home. Most students already left the dorm. I met a fellow student from another class. We chatted for a while. I mentioned that I had hiked a year earlier. He said why don’t we do it again. I thought it was a good idea.

About two thousand years ago, a poet wrote about Yongjia. That was how we determine the route of the hiking. We first went to Yandang Shan, a nearby mountain, staying in a temple for a night, with the monks. Then we went deeper into the mountain. There was a huge storm in the village where we stayed. We were trapped there for several days, without electricity.  Sky and stars seemed so close. The first day the road cleared, we went to a tourist spot. There were two of us in the whole tourist area. We sat down, light a cigarette, and enjoyed the solemn quietness.

We wanted to go deeper into the mountain to reach Yongjia. We asked about a hiking trail. Nobody knows. They only know the highway route. In the end, we talked to an old man. Before the development of highways, people did travel on hiking trails. The very old people still remember the passage. We crossed the mountain to reach Yongjia. There we walked along Nanxi River, until we reached Wenzhou. Today Nanxi River is a hot tourist spot. At that time, it was a remote area.

I spent some years in Wenzhou as a small child. But that was many years ago. I didn’t know anybody. We went to the elementary school once I was a student and asked about my teacher. She already retired but the doorman managed to get her address. We were totally unexpected. But Mrs. Ong, my teacher, welcomed us warmly. We stayed in her place for a night. She gathered most of the old classmates together. It was really great to see all the old friends after so many years.                        

Beijing

Academy of Science is in Beijing. I came here for graduate study in 1987. My advisor was Professor Gu Yonggeng. After so many years, we still maintain regular contact.

The graduate program lasted for three years. For the first year, all graduate students take courses at the graduate school of the Academy of Science, which was at the western edge of Beijing at that time. Today, Beijing is a much bigger city. The Academy of Science includes many institutes. In the next two years, students will do research at their own institutes scattered around Beijing, mostly around ZhongGuanZhun.

Courses are not that attractive to me. Modern mathematics is too detached from the real life. Generalities in modern mathematics often become bland and empty. I prefer to work on problems with concrete background. What is life? Life are chemical systems that utilize the physical and chemical properties of the environment to their own advantages. Knowledge is to understand the real world, not to show off the vacuous generality. I love research over courses. In research, I have more controls. I can choose topics that interest me. I can learn through research. It was a great pleasure working with Professor Gu. He is always veery encouraging. When I work out some results, I would talk to him. The interaction was very informal.

In April 15, 1989, Hu Yaobang died. He was the former boss of the communist party. He was demoted after the mass demonstrations at the end of 1986, because he was not aggressive enough suppressing the demonstrations. He got a lot of sympathy because of that. Hu’s death unleashed the pent-up emotions. Initially, writings were put up on notice boards in various campuses. Discontents fermented inside campuses. Later, demonstrations broke out into the streets, demanding more freedom and democracy.

In April 25, the government broadcast an editorial, threatening to crack down. This further angered the population. More people got to the streets. Most demonstrators were college students from different universities. They usually group together behind their university banners.

Students from our institute want to join the demonstrations as a group. We need banners and other stuffs. I went to talk with the admin lady. She told me the institute will pay the cost of relevant materials. I just have to keep the receipts. We went out to buy cloth and other stuffs. We made a banner and got on the street.

A guy in our institute liked Beijing Opera. He was very good at rhyming. A classmate of mine rode a tricycle. The guy good at Beijing Opera sat on the tricycle and made up many rhyming slogans on the way to Tiananmen, the usual destination for demonstrations. Some of those slogans became very popular during that period of time.

More and more people gathered over Tiananmen Square. There was a great need to maintain order. I mostly stayed at Tiananmen Square, lining up with others to maintain passages for the orderly movements for the crowds. Later, people started hunger strikes. As people fainted due to extreme hunger, ambulances drove in and out regularly. It was especially important to maintain passages for the swift movement of ambulances.  

On May 19, 1989, the government declared martial law. I was at the Tiananmen Square at that time. We stayed there for some time. Later, we were told that the army are coming in from the outskirts. People are needed to block the army movement. I went to the outskirts and saw many soldiers on trucks. Many people were already there, trying to explain what happened to the soldiers, who were trucked in from somewhere.

The standoff lasted for some days. Most of us got tired and bored. It was before summer vacation. But Professor Gu suggested me to go back home early to take some rest. He would pay for my passage. I bought a train ticket to Wuhan.

It was June 3^rd. When I left for the train station, there was some disturbance on the streets, but not much. On the way to Wuhan, late at night, the crackdown was being broadcast on the train, which was almost empty. If Professor Gu didn’t ask me to go back Wuhan, I would be on the street that night, I might be gunned down that night.

The massacre occurred mostly on the night of June 3^rd, when the army moved to the city center against the people who tried to block their passages. Initially, the demonstrators call it the June 3^rd massacre. The government call it the June 4^th riot. The time difference is crucial. It is the massacre that generated the people’s uprising. By moving the date one day ahead, the government was supposed to be responding to the riots. The causality was reversed. But over time, almost everyone adopts the June 4^th date. This shows the power of the government machinery. However, it is important to stick to June 3^rd.  This is to stick to the fact. This is the least we can do to honour those who risk their lives and who lost their lives on the night of June 3^rd when they tried to block the passages of the armed armies.  

I was home for the rest of the summer. I received a letter from the institute, requesting me to return to Beijing. But my parents asked me to stay put. It would be hazardous to return at that time.

I went back Beijing in September for the new school term. Most of my classmates were already there most of the summer. Some never left Beijing. Others had been called back by the institute. They had endured enormous pressure in a nerve-wracking environment.

The admin lady met me and asked for the receipts. I thought those were the crime evidence and didn’t expect to get reimbursed. But she was very nice and reimbursed all my costs.

The mood was very subdued in those days. I thought a trip to somewhere might cheer us up. I draft a letter to the institute, requesting some funding for a trip. Surprisingly, it got approved. All the classmates went to Beidaihe, a famous vacation beach not far from Beijing. Beidaihe is famous because it is the unofficial summer capital of the government. Top bosses in the government spend a great deal of time there in summer.

In Beidaihe, some houses were guarded by armed soldiers. By one such house, I murmured, a little bit too loud, “Guard dog!” The guard dog immediately pointed his gun to me. I shut my mouth and walked away. Some beaches were cordoned off for the pleasure of some important people. But we had a good time. It was the first time I ever went to a beach.

Later, the institute supported several more student excursions.

That was the last year of my graduate study. I had to consider my next step. At that time, it was very popular for students to further their study in US. Every dorm was decorated with a giant US map. The military crackdown further determined the resolve of many people. We prepared for TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language) and GRE (Graduate Record Exam). I did well on both exams.

But I had a problem. My college grades were rather low. I did very well on major exams, such as the college entrance exam and the graduate program entrance exam. But I didn’t maintain a good record in regular school terms. That made my application rather weak.

My advisor asked Ling Hsiao, a well connected professor for help. She sent a personal letter to Joel Smoller, a professor at the University of Michigan. That was how I got accepted into Michigan.