Dear Edda and other parents with young kids,
Below is a chain of discussions on how to help our kids go through the wonderful early childhood happily on our PCE club online forum site: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/pce_club/
Hope some of you find it useful.
ChiuLan
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I would appreciate it if you could share with me your thoughts and
experiences regarding ways to discipline a 2-3 year old child
effectively. Thank you ahead of time.
Cynthia
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Cynthia,
I just want to share a few tips after having done it
once (my older daughter is two and half). Isn't
parenting a great job? You are being called
“experienced” after doing only once. Other
"experienced" parents may share with you more.
For toddlers, I feel that it is really important to
nurture their needs to be in control of their own body
and mind. My 17-month-old younger daughter is now
enjoying the “thrill” of finding that she is the one
that controls her body. When I say “come here and
change diaper”, she would run away and enjoy me
chasing after her. Try to give them choices, instead
of “yes” or “no” answer only. Don’t see all the
symptoms of “terrible two” as problems, rather than
just part of the growing stage. I once read somewhere
it says “if you see it as a problem, you will get many
problems. If you see it as wonderful, you will get
many wonderful things.”
Another tip I learned from our wonderful nanny (she is
the best thing that happened to my two girls) is that
always trying to explain things with reasons to them
(trying to be simple and creative). Then it will
become a habit for them to follow instructions after
you give the reason instead of being forced to do it.
So most of the time, my two of half years old daughter
is pretty good at following rules. Start early. For my
17-month-old baby girl, when I went to her room to
pick her up after her nap, she would throw the teddy
bear she was playing on the floor and wanted me to
pick it up (like a game). One day when I told our
nanny about this and asked if it happened to her, she
said that it happened to her once at the beginning.
But after she “explained” that “if you throw the
little bear on the floor, she would get hurt and cry.
Let’s put her back on the dresser”, next time my
younger daughter would put the bear up on the dresser
next to the crib herself. Too good to be true? Try it
out and be consistent and persistent.
Enjoy parenting!
Angela
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Hi There,
Reasoning with a 2 year-old is always fun, because we always out smart them:-). But wait for them to get a bit older and suddenly know the bears won't feel hurt, and Juice not diluted by water tastes better...
I really like the point Angela is making. View the "terrible two" (or terrible whatever) as a normal stage of life. Think more of help them to grow out of it, rather than discipline them to correct such behavior. If we as parents treat this calmly, the kids can feel more control and less scared by themselves. Never think that the kids are making trouble purposely because they are not (at such a young age). I do have a small trick. With my older daughter, after 2, I have a game of counting to 10. No matter what happened and how upset she was, when we started to count to 10, we will both calm down. It works greatly, even till now (she is 5 1/2). Progressive counting gives us some time and process and expectations during crisis.
However, this trick didn't work for my younger daughter:-).
Sandra
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Sandra/Angela -
I've been trying counting 3. Somehow, I felt it was a little rush,
even the little one (now also 5 1/2) obeyed most the time.
I like the notion that counting gives time to both the parent and
child to calm down and think rationally. Now to think about it, I do
get the sense that counting works progressively to our mind, just like
the deep breathing does to the body...
Thank you both for sharing the experience.
Warm regards,
Cindy
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Sandra and Cindy,
Wonderful tips! Actually one of the tips that Dr.
Harvey Karp suggested in his book "The Happiest
Toddler on the Block : The New Way to Stop the Daily
Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved
One- to Four-Year-Old" is practicing calming breathing
with your child.
http://www.amazon.com/????/obidos/tg/detail/-/0553381431/qid=1119412576/sr=8-1/r
ef=pd_bbs_ur_1/104-7767673-1376764?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
(Another book/DVD of his "The Happiest Baby on the
Block : The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your
Newborn Baby Sleep Longer" becomes my must-have baby
shower gift).
Another parenting book I really like is "The Secret of
Parenting: How to Be in Charge of Today's Kids--from
Toddlers to Preteens--Without Threats or Punishment"
by Anthony E. Wolf. Read the reviews and your will see
why.
http://www.amazon.com/????/obidos/ASIN/0374527083/qid=1119405809/sr=2-1/ref=pd_b
bs_b_2_1/104-7767673-1376764
Every child has different temperament. One trick works
for one but may not for another as Sandra put it.
That's why I think parenting is an art that needs all
our eyes, ears, heart, and brain.
Enjoy parenting!
Angela
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Hi,
It's true that all kids are different and we really need to be creative.
I agree that, for parents of kids who are three years old or younger, it is
the critical time to establish a habit of reasoning with the kids,
especially let kids know their behaviors' impact on you emotionally. Do not
assume kids cannot understand when you talk to them and they just look
either confused or as if they do not know what you're saying. Do ask them to
look at you and sometimes holding their hands and say how much you are
frustrated (or sad, or angry, or hurt, or disappointed, etc.) with what they
have done. Tell them how happy you are with what they have done as well. Do
get to the same level as your child so that you can look into each other's
eyes but do not force a young child to stare into your eyes. Sometimes, kids
may just glance at your "angry" face and look away, which is OK, as long as
they recognize you are talking to them.
Before I count three, I usually tell the kids the consequences, which
sometimes require some creative thinking. The consequences should be
RELEVANT and should be real. For instance, it can be, "If you do not turn
off the TV when I count to three, you will not be able to watch TV for two
days." Do not say, "If you do not turn off the TV when I count to three, I
will not buy you an ice-cream." (unless the behavior of watching TV is
delaying a trip during which the child knew you were going to buy an
ice-cream). If there are no REAL or obvious consequences to follow a request
for changing behaviors (stop doing what they do), use "time-out." "If you do
not stop running around when I count to three, you'll get a time-out."
Time-out was very effective for my son. For my daughter, she would do
anything to avoid getting a time-out. When she did get one, she'd just cry
her head off the whole time. I would still let her have it if she deserved
it. Then the important thing is what you do after the time-out. Usually
that's after your child calms down so you can get to look into their eyes
and do the little "reasoning talk" by explaining why he got the time-out and
ask him what he would do differently next time. For small kids, it's just
important to go through the process. They may not be able to say clearly
what they would do differently next time. You can ask them, encourage them
to answer, and then give them your answer.
So the sequence for me was: set the limit and explain the consequences -
count to three - time-out - explain why and the emotional impact on the
parent - how to be different next time.
Kids can get used to this pattern and establish a connection between
behaviors and consequences and know they should always thinking about how to
do things differently next time. These are very hard to teach once children
are older. It's easiest to teach before they are three when most of us would
think they could not be reasoned with.
Use "time-out" when you are still calm and in control; do not wait until you
are screaming and yelling. Don't wait until they break the same rule three
times to use time-out; if you have tell them the consequence, use time-out
the very first time they break the rule after you've told them.
During time-out, let the kids sit on a SPECIAL chair in the common area. Do
not send young children to their rooms so you can watch what they do while
continue doing your work or housework. During time-out, do not talk to the
child. If he gets off the chair, just pick him up and put him back without
saying a word. He would know you are serious immediately. Tell him that
you'll only count the time while he's on that chair continuously. The
duration of a time-out should be related to the child's age: for 2-year-old,
it's 2 minutes; one-year-old, one minute, etc. You can tell them while they
are not in "trouble" at all, "You are two now. I am sure you have a better
understanding of what I say (dong3 shi4), so if you need time to think about
your improper behavior, your time-out will be two minutes."
Sometimes, you need to get the cooperation of the grandparents and your
spouse. My in-laws once saw me lowering myself to the same level as my son,
who was standing, and reasoning to him. They thought it was ridiculous to
reason (jiang3 dao4 li4) with a 4-5 years old and that I was not "stern"
enough. Now they cannot stop praising how easy to reason with my kids (8.5
and 10 years old). I really believe reasoning with the kids during or after
a disciplinary action has a long-term effect. Parents sometimes think they
are too busy to reason. In fact, you can do it while they are in the car
(while your spouse is driving preferably). Need not to be long.
Just my humble two cents of opinions.
Good luck.
Bonnie
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I really appreciate all the tips Bonnie shared. I have been trying to practice them in our daily life.
Regarding time-out, I rarely use it since I believe more on time-in and in general we didn't have many occasions when it is necessary. But I did use it a few times when my older one hit her little sister intentionally. It usually happened when my little one started walking and often grabbed things out of my older one's hand. I wanted to make it clear that hitting is not allowed, no matter on whom. She can use alternatives like saying "NO" to her little sister. Now she almost never hit her sister, and she is getting very good on saying "No" to her little sister.
I remember during last year's parenting conference, Bonnie talked about the usage of timer in parenting (actually I use timer much more often myself since I can't remember things now and have to rely on timer to remind myself on the thing that I can't do it right away). For time-out, one thing I found is useful is to set a timer and let her know that when the timer goes off, the time-out will be over. Somehow she thinks a timer (an object) is much more objective than mom. She knows that it will always go off as expected.
BTW, I can’t agree more with Sandra that we should not try to "discipline" our kids all the time. Rather we need to lead them through each development stage. For 90% of time each day, I try to say yes to my two girls or at least give them alternatives to choose from to set a pleasant tone at home. But for a few non-negotiable rules we set, I try to stay very firm. Below is an article on a father that may have gone overboard in disciplining his son, followed by some good suggestions from other parents. I tend to think that parents' main role is to "show up" and "be there" and give our hands when our kids need help. Be their cheer leader... After all, it's the "parents" that matter the most. It’s only a theory now since my two girls are too young to serve as a convincing sample point.
http://www2.bbsland.com/child/messages/39668.html
http://www2.bbsland.com/child/messages/39686.html
http://www2.bbsland.com/child/messages/39692.html
Enjoy parenting!
Angela
