青柳診所手記50

天氣雖然還是有些冷，下雨的日子比天晴的日子多，但空氣中已經可以隱隱地聞到春天的味道了。診所的花園還是一派頹敗的景象，但時不時可以聽到鳥的叫聲了。阿里醫生一談到今年的花園該種些什麼花草時，他的眼睛裡就有光彩流出來。

休息時我喜歡坐在窗戶邊上閉上眼睛一面聽着音樂一面享受着溫暖的陽光照在身上的感覺。這時的我，無論外面的世界如何變幻，我都覺得自己是一個幸福的人。

在我的行醫道路上，邰醫生是我的第一個老師。多年前我在他的身邊工作時，只要稍有一點閒暇，我們總是坐在診所的陽光下，一面聽音樂一面靜坐。“音樂就是能量。當那美麗的音樂縈繞在你的耳旁時，你就意念它們是五彩繽紛的光線，你微微吸氣，那些能量就成為你的了……” 邰醫生這樣啟發我。到現在我才明白，醫學方面的很多只可意會不可言傳的東西，老師那時都是通過音樂和靜坐傳授給我的。

我的父親也特別喜歡音樂。他有空時就吹一吹竹笛或者拉一拉二胡什麼的。父親臨去世的兩周前我陪在他的身邊時，也總是在病房裡放着他愛聽的音樂。護士或者來探望病人的家屬們偶然聽到了，他們也會站在門旁聆聽微笑。

大師兄的父親去世前，大師兄送給他父親的也是他唱的一首歌：“聽聞遠方有你”。

這首歌中的兩句歌詞總是特別讓我感動：我吹過你吹過的風這算不算相擁？我走過你走過的路這算不算相逢？

人不僅僅因為活着就會幸福。這個世界，有着太多不定的因素，似乎到處充滿了局限、混亂、爭執、和不幸。而音樂和靜坐，對於我來說，可以讓我重新找到寧靜和歡樂，讓這個看似不完美的世界變得有序和和諧起來。

作為一個行醫者，我每天都聽到那麼多的呻吟和抱怨：身體痛楚，夜不成眠，精神不濟，消化不良，求子不得，內分泌紊亂，氣血不足…… 人生拂意的事情太多，衰老也是不可避免的一件事。總有一天，你會發現，你的精力不如從前，你的脊梁變得沒有那麼挺拔，皺紋和白髮越來越多，疼痛變得越來越持久和明顯…..

那天一個叫T的病人來找我，他的主訴是不明原因的背痛。他說：“所有該做的檢查都做過了，誰也不知道為什麼我的背有時痛得讓我非得趴在地上才舒服一點”。

我說，“我知道你的背為什麼痛。”

“為什麼？”

“因為從你的舌頭上我可以看到你積鬱成疾，從你的眼睛裡我也看到你心靈里的那扇窗子關閉了。”

T驚疑地看着我：“啊，你看到了嗎？我承認我已經抑鬱了相當長的時間了。就算度假的時候或者偶然遇到一些幸運的事時我暫時感到了些許的歡樂和滿足，但那轉眼即逝的過眼雲煙更讓我沮喪和失望。我發現，絕大多數時候，人生很無奈很沒有意思。”

“你也應該發現：絕大多數時候，疾病不過是心理上的失落在生理上的反應而已。”

“你是說我的背痛跟我的不快樂有着很大的關係？我的不快樂跟我的心靈里的那扇窗戶關閉了很有關係？那該如何打開那扇窗戶呢？“

“很簡單，做你的靈魂愛做的事情。如果那不是你的工作，至少在工作之餘你要竭盡全力去做它。打開那扇窗戶最好的手段就是創造力，也許是音樂，也許是舞蹈，也許是陶藝，也許是寫作，也許是踢足球，也許是園藝，也許是繪畫….. 每個人都有不同的表達方式。一個熱愛創造的人，就是敲開了那扇心靈窗戶的人。那扇窗戶打開了，你的靈魂和顯意識就變得同步共振起來。那時你的身體就會好許多，你的心靈會安靜許多，當然也不大可能有什麼抑鬱症了。”

“真的嗎？”

我點點頭。“有一個舞蹈大師告訴我，他在婚禮上或者正式的群體裡應邀跳舞時就很難感覺到那種全身心的振奮與投入，而當他面對陌生的觀眾即興表演時卻可以讓自己的身體把心靈的快樂和活力淋漓盡致地體現出來。你知道為什麼嗎，T？”

“為什麼？“

“因為他那時打開的是心靈的窗戶，他那時是給自己的靈魂跳舞。很多人都試圖從物質世界中去改變生活中的不圓滿，最後往往變得失望。我們應該明白，現實世界絕大多數時候不是我們所能夠控制的，而心靈的那扇窗戶，卻是我們隨時可以打開的。為什麼我們不多去做一些我們能夠掌控的事情呢？ ”

T這天 做完治療從床上爬起來時，正好窗外有一隻小蜂鳥在啄着窗戶。他朝它笑了笑揮揮手。臨別前他說他的背痛已經好了很多了。我知道，那不僅僅是因為我們給他拔了罐，扎了針，做了推拿，而是因為他已經走上了療愈之旅，他心靈里的那扇窗戶已悄悄開了一條縫，他開始嘗試創造一種理解，一种放鬆，一種喜悅的振動….

Whispering of Willows 50

By Dr. Anna Zhao

Although the weather is still a little cold and there are more rainy days than sunny ones, I can already smell the fragrance of spring in the air. The garden attached to our clinic is still in hibernation, but birds’ singing can occasionally be heard. When Dr. Ali talked about this year’s plan for our garden, joy shimmered in his bright eyes.

During my breaks, I often sit by a large window, eyes closed, listening to music, and enjoying the warm touch of sunlight. At this time, no matter how ever-changing the outside world seems, I feel I am on top of the world.

When I was doing my TCM practicum, Dr. Tai was my teacher. Years ago, when working under his guidance, I remember that whenever we had a little spare time, we often sat in the sunlight of the clinic, listening to music, meditating.  He inspired me by saying: "Music is a vibration. When a beautiful melody rings in your ears, you should visualize it as colorful lights. Gently you breathe in, vividly feeling as though those lights are entering your pores..." Now looking back, it dawns on me that his teaching is so true. In therapeutic healing there are many things that can only be perceived but cannot be described with words.  And precisely because of this, my teacher taught me much through music and meditation.

My father was also a fan of music. Whenever possible, he played a bamboo flute or erhu instrument for us. During his final two weeks, I often played his favorite music in his hospital room. When nurses or passersby heard it by chance, they would stand by the door and listen with a smile.

Dr. Daniel also sang a song at his father’s death bed: "I Hear You Far Away". Part of the lyrics in this song particularly touched my heart: “I enjoyed the breeze you had enjoyed, would this be considered as our embrace? I walked the paths you walked, would this be regarded as our reunion?”

Simply being alive does not guarantee our happiness. The world is uncertain in many aspects, and it seems that sometimes we are surrounded by life’s limitations, chaos, disputes, and misfortunes. For me, music and meditation are my refuge. They seem to have the power to give me peace and joy, and make the imperfect world a bit more orderly and harmonious again.

As a medical practitioner, I hear many troubles and complaints every day: physical pains, sleepless nights, fatigue, indigestion, infertility, hormonal disorder, poor circulation... So much seems to go against our wishes, and alas, aging proves inevitable. Little by little, you find that your energy begins to fade, your spine is not as straight, wrinkles and grey hair creep in, and all sorts of pain and ailments become more and more persistent...

The other day, a patient named T came to see me with a main complaint of unexplained back pain. He said: "I have done all necessary tests, and not even one expert can tell me why my back hurts so much that I have to lie flat on the ground for hours just waiting for my pain to ease."

I said, "I probably can guess the why."

"Why?" he raised his brows.

"Because you are not happy. I can see that by reading your tongue. By looking into your eyes, I can see that the window in your heart is shut."

T looked disturbed: "Did you really see that? I admit that I have been depressed for quite a long time. Sure, a vacation here and there helped me feel better, and my pain eased when I encountered some lucky events by chance. However, those little joys and pleasures seem to never last and they went away like fleeting clouds, leaving me feeling more depressed and disappointed. I realize that most of the time, life seems indeed helpless and meaningless."

"Perhaps someday you will also realize that most of the time, pain can be a physiological projection of our inner unhappiness."

"You mean my back pain has a lot to do with my mental state? My unhappiness has a lot to do with the window in my heart that is closed? If so, tell me, how can I open that window?"

"It's not complicated, do what your spirit loves to do. If that is not your profession, at least devote much attention to it in your spare time. The best way to open that window is creativity; maybe in the form of music, or dance, or pottery, or writing, or playing soccer, or gardening, or painting... Everyone has different ways to express their creativity. A person who loves to create is the one who has opened the window in their spiritual world. When the window is opened, your soul and conscious mind become synchronized and resonate in harmonious frequency. At that time your body will feel much healthier, your mind much calmer, and of course, it is unlikely you would slip into depression. "

"That is what you think?"

I nodded. "A professional dancer once told me that when he was invited to perform in a rigid setting such as a formal wedding, it was difficult for him to fully feel the exhilaration that accompanies the freedom of movement. However, when he improvised his dance on the stage for an audience of thousands, he could let his body fully reflect the joy and vitality of his soul. Do you know why, T?”

“Why?”

“Because he opened the window of his spirit, and danced for his soul at that time.  

To escape the monotony of our everyday life, our spirit craves freedom, for an artistic expression on a higher level than the physical level. If we try to change the imperfections in the material world, we often become disheartened, as the physical world is mostly not under our control. Nevertheless, the window towards our spirit is openable at any time. Why don't we focus more on things within our control?"

When T got up from the treatment bed that day, a little hummingbird was tapping the clinic’s window from the outside. T beamed and waved at it. Before leaving, he said the pain in his back seemed to have eased. I knew he was already on the path of healing. Cupping, acupuncture and massage surely helped him, but most importantly, the window to his spirit is beginning to open a crack, and he is already learning to create – creating an understanding, a relaxation, and a vibration of joy…