青柳診所手記58

冬天來了，我們的花園卻並沒有變得冷冷清清，因為阿里醫生在園子裡放了足夠的鳥食，每天吸引了不少鳥兒們過來享受大餐。

那天我們已經下班了，一個朋友叫我們過去看看她的已經處於臨終關懷的先生G。外面的天氣又濕又冷，而他們靜悄悄的家裡更讓人覺得寒氣逼人。

這是我們第一次見到G。他的臉色蒼白而無神。

我摸摸他的脈搏，指尖觸摸到的是一片冰涼。真是人在末途，其氣也衰啊。

我輕輕按摩他的肚子時，聽到他微嘆一聲：“醫生說我沒有多少時間了。我才48歲，我多麼希望能夠活到50歲啊！”

我柔聲安慰他：“醫生有時不太樂觀，是因為不想讓患者有太高的期望值。但有時候奇蹟的確發生。”

他的太太在一旁插嘴，“最近五年來，其實他早就感覺到身體有些不大對勁了，所以每年我都催着他去體檢。”

他腫大的喉嚨嘟噥了一聲：“醫生都說我的指標不錯，沒什麼大問題啊。”

他的太太苦笑一聲：“他只相信數字。多少年前我就叫他吃了晚飯之後出去走走不要立即就直奔電腦。他不信，照樣做到三更半夜。後來他看了一篇權威醫學報道說每天走一萬步對身體大有好處，結果他才開始試着動一動。可這已經太晚了……”

她的聲音帶着明顯的哭音了，大師兄帶着她去外面房間教她如何給丈夫做艾灸。空洞冰冷的房間裡就剩下我和他。

我握住他的手，輕聲說：“每個人都有犯傻的時候，我也一樣。”

“可惜現在太晚了，我連動動手指頭都覺得困難極了。我告訴我太太，沒有必要再請你們上門了，因為我自己也知道，現在誰都救不了我了。”

我用試探的口吻說：“要不咱們借一點力？”
他軟弱的臉色閃過一絲驚疑。

我就給他講了一個小故事。

“一個小男孩很想搬動院子裡的一塊大石頭，他的父親在一旁給他加油：‘孩子啊，只要你全力以赴，我相信你一定能夠把它搬起來！’  可是，石頭實在太重了，孩子試了又試，最終還是沒能把它搬起來。他哭喪着臉：‘爸爸呀，這塊石頭這麼重，我使出了所有的力氣也沒有辦法搬起它！’  父親笑着說：‘我的兒，可是，你並沒有用盡全力啊。’ 小男孩疑惑地看着父親，只見他微笑着說：‘我就站在你的身旁，你怎麼就沒有想到要請求我的幫助呢？’”

G聽完這個故事輕嘆了一聲：“趙醫生，你不會是叫我在這個時候皈依哪個宗教吧？”

“不是，我只是想說，或許你可以借借天和地的力量。”

“天和地的力量？怎麼借？”

“通過氣功啊，例如意念或者想象。你的病主要是因為內分泌和新陳代謝出了嚴重故障。通過做點氣功、觀想、祈禱什麼的，也許有用，反正不會有壞處，對不對？”

他搖搖頭，“我是個知識分子，我喜歡邏輯思維，我也只相信科學。凡是科學實驗已經驗證了的東西，我會欣然去嘗試。就連針灸，你們說它歷史悠久，可它還沒有完全得到科學的認可。你說的意念是什麼？氣功是什麼？觀想是什麼？祈禱是什麼？這些我都聽說過，但很遺憾我對它們持有懷疑態度，我也沒有時間去考究它們的有效性了。”

他把我想教他做的一切都否定了，我一時語塞。我們教了他太太一點艾灸的操作方法，就告辭出來了。快到聖誕節了，到處是一派喜氣洋洋的節日氣氛。不少人的門前屋後的樹上都掛起了五顏六色的小燈泡。柔和的燈光和裝飾一新的聖誕樹、聖誕老人、雪人和馴鹿，都被裹在雨霧裡，在黑夜裡一閃一忽，仿佛在說：縱然寒風凜冽，萬物依然蘊含生機。

後來我對大師兄說：“生活中許多的愉悅，例如節日氣氛，不僅僅是科學二字就能夠表達清楚的。愛也無法用科學來衡量。如果我們僅僅依賴科學驗證來生活，是不是會錯過很多美好的東西呢？”

大師兄說：“如果我是G的太太，我會在家裡生一個暖洋洋的大火爐，讓金色的火焰在裡面嗶嗶啵啵跳躍着。我會讓香噴噴的飯菜從廚房裡不斷飄出來，讓動人的音樂在房間裡縈繞不絕。如果有孩子的話，我會把他們都叫過來，讓他們笑笑叫叫打打鬧鬧，讓滿屋子一片熱氣騰騰。這樣或許他會舒服很多。”

“我也是這樣想的，” 我說，”我還會在他的臥室里掛上他喜歡的照片，擺上他鍾愛的植物。然後在正對着他的牆上，掛上一幅日出的圖畫，這樣他可以天天對着它觀想，激發一下他的陽氣和生命力。”

大師兄說：“常人眼中看到的生命就是我們的這個肉體，他們不知道，其實生命要廣闊得多，它貫徹於天地萬物之中。包括我們所熟悉的思想、感情、聲音、顏色、光線、氣味等等，這些都充滿了生命的能量。如果忽略了這一些，人就只剩下一個空殼子了。”

“所以我叫G要學會借力啊，” 我接着他的話說，“但我估計他不會去做，因為借力並不是一個科學性的詞語。其實，我們的前前後後左左右右都有着一條條的生命之河流向我們。當我們意識到這些能量的存在時，它就成為我們的了。當我們沒有意識到它，它就跟我們無關。所謂靜坐就是訓練我們人的身體主動去跟宇宙的這些能量融合啊。”

我的病人C最近檢查得了重病。那天她來看我的時候，滿臉都是沮喪。針灸完後好久她都不想離開，盯着院子裡的一隻蜂鳥默默瞧着。鳥兒正伸出細長的嘴去吸吮那罐子裡的糖水，蟬翼一般的羽毛在風中顫動着，桃紅色的脖子跟雨珠一樣閃亮。

“天氣這麼冷這麼濕，這些蜂鳥們似乎並沒有都遷徙南方啊。”我說。

“唔，” C目不轉睛地看着它。“奇怪，這麼小小的鳥兒，怎麼就這麼有生命力呢？”她自言自語般地說，“每次看到它們，我既欣喜又困惑。”

“那是因為它們善於借力啊，”我笑着答，“借天和地的力。”

我微笑，因為我想起我曾經寫過的一首小詩：

報答

我沉默，我羞澀

我是一隻蜂鳥

盡情地吸着花之蜜

然後又拍翅離去

誰也找不到我的蹤影

陌生的人啊

你嘲笑我只知索取不知給與

你可曾知道

在萬物都沒有起床之際

我會站在黑暗的樹梢

將我所有的愛

輕輕地，輕輕地

唱給我的恩人——

天和地

      Whispering of Willows 58

By Dr. Anna Zhao

Winter has arrived, but our garden hasn’t become desolate. Dr. Ali had put out plenty of organic birdseed, attracting many birds to enjoy a daily feast.

One day, we had already finished our work when a friend invited us to visit her husband, G, who was home from palliative care. The weather outside was damp and cold, and upon entering their solidary home, we felt even more chilled.

This is the first time we met G, who appeared pale and lifeless. When feeling his pulse, my fingertips felt like they were touching ice. Truly, before a lamp extinguishes, the flicker is lit by very little oil. As I gently massaged his abdomen, I heard him sigh softly, "The doctors said my days are numbered. Only 48 years old I am, how I wish I could live to be 50!"

I tried to comfort him, “Doctors are often pessimistic in order to not give any false hope; miracles do happen sometimes.”

His wife chimed in, “Over the past five years, he had already felt under the weather, so every year I kept urging him to get a checkup.”

He grunted in his swollen throat, “The doctors often said my health indicators were good, no big concerns.”

She gave a wry smile, “He only believes numbers. For years I’ve told him to go for a walk after dinner instead of immediately planting himself in front of his computer, but he didn’t believe me and still worked until the wee hours. It was only after reading an article by a prestigious medical doctor who taught that 10,000 steps a day is essential for maintaining health, he started to walk a bit. But it was too late…”

Her voice became more like a sob, and Dr. Daniel took her to another room to teach her how to perform moxibustion on her husband. G and I were left in the large room that seemed so empty and cold.

I held his hand and whispered, “We all can make mistakes at times, me too.”

“Unfortunately, it’s too late for me now. I can barely move a finger. I told my wife there’s no need to bother you guys to come to see me, because I know very well that I am beyond help.”

I hesitated and asked, “How about we see who can lend us a hand?”

A hint of amazement flashed across his weak face.

So I told him a short story.

“A little boy wanted to move a large rock in his yard. His father encouraged him, ‘Come on, son, if you pool all of your resources, I believe you can do it!’ But the rock was too heavy. The boy tried again and again, but still to no avail. He cried, ‘Oh, dad, this rock is too heavy! I used all my strength but it didn’t budge at all!’ The father smiled and said, ‘But my dear boy, you didn't really try your best though.’ The little boy looked up at his father in confusion, only to see him smiling and saying, ‘I'm standing right next to you. Why didn't you think to ask for my help?’"

Attentively G listened to the story, and then sighed softly: "Dr. Zhao, you're not suggesting I convert to a particular religion at this time, are you?"

"No, I just wanted to say that perhaps you could borrow the power of the sky and earth."

“The power of the sky and earth?” he echoed my words, “but how?”

“Through Qigong - visualization and imagination. Your illness is mainly due to a serious malfunction in your endocrine and metabolic systems. By doing some Qigong, visualization, or prayer, it might be beneficial for you. It can't hurt, can it?”

He shook his head. “I'm a well-educated person and have an analytical mind. I only believe in science. I'll gladly try anything that has been scientifically verified. Although it is ancient, even acupuncture is not fully endorsed by all of science. Qigong, visualization, imagination, praying? I've heard of all of above, but unfortunately, I have doubts, as well as very little time left to investigate their effectiveness.”

At a loss about what to say or do next, as he dismissed most of what could give him some relief, I stood beside his bed. We taught his wife some moxibustion techniques, then said goodbye and left.

Christmas was around the corner, and everywhere was brimming a joyous festive atmosphere. Many colorful lights were hanging from the trees in front of and behind their homes. The soft light, along with the newly decorated Christmas trees, Santa Claus, snowmen, and reindeer, were all shrouded in the rain and mist, signalling the possibilities inherent even in the dead of winter, lights dancing in the darkness.

I later said to Dr. Daniel, “So much of what is great in life, like holiday spirit, is unscientific. Neither can love be measured scientifically. If we relied solely on scientific verification, what beautiful things might we miss?”

He replied, "If I were G's wife, I would light a big, warm fireplace at home, with golden flames crackling and leaping. I would let the aroma of delicious food waft out of the kitchen, and let him partake of whatever interested him, surrounded by beautiful music ringing throughout the house. If they had children, I would bring them home, letting them laugh, giggle, and play, rocking the house with coziness and merry energy. That would do him some good for sure."

“That’s what I think too,” I agreed. “I would also hang his treasured photos in his room and put his favorite plants around his bed.  Then, on the wall directly facing him, I would hang a picture of the sunrise so that he can contemplate it every day. Thus, stimulating his yang energy and vitality.”

Dr. Daniel continued, "In the eyes of many people, life is just the physical body they see. They don't realize that life is actually much broader. It permeates all things between the sky and earth. This includes all those things familiar to us: thoughts, feelings, sounds, colors, light, smells, and so on. All of those things are all immersed in life energy. If we ignore them, there is no doubt why we can be left with nothing but an empty shell."

“That’s why I told G to learn to leverage external forces,” I went on, “but I doubt he’ll actually do it, because leveraging external forces isn’t scientific enough. In fact, there are countless streams of life flowing towards us from all sides. When we become aware of these energies, they become ours. When we’re not aware of them, they’re not accessed by us. Meditation is about training our bodies to actively merge with these energies of the universe.”

My patient C was recently diagnosed with a serious illness. When she came to see me one day, she looked utterly dejected. After her treatment was long finished, she didn't want to leave, but silently watched a hummingbird flying in the yard. The bird was stretching out its slender beak to suck up the sugar water from the feeder, its gossamer-like feathers quivering in the wind, its pink neck shimmering like raindrops.

"It's so cold and wet out there, but these hummingbirds don't seem to have all migrated somewhere warmer," I said.

“Hmm,” C stared intently at it, “I wonder how such a tiny little bird can have so much vitality in itself?” She murmured, as if to herself, “Every time I see them, I feel both delighted and bewildered.”

“That’s because they’re good at acquiring energy from many sources,” I giggled, “such as from the sky and the earth.”

I smiled, because I remembered a poem I had once written:

Repay

Hummingbird I am,

quiet and timid

drinking nectar from flowers with ease

then flapping wings, I take off

so no one can find any trace.

Oh Stranger, you laugh at my greediness

for I seem to take and not give.

But do you see

before the dawn

I perch on a small dark twig

and softly, affectionately

sing all my love

to my benefactors—Heaven and Earth?