圣餐与忆苦饭

来美国之前，我以为圣餐就是在教会里吃饭，有一个由饿到饱的过程，可能还有点儿饮料供应，后来才知道它只是一种形式。在New Haven我常去华人宣道会，那里每月第一个主日都有圣餐仪式。执行时，教会牧师郑重地拿起一块无酵饼说：这是主耶稣的身体，为我们舍命，我们吃这饼是为了纪念主。说着双手把饼掰碎，放进一个银盘，由司仪传给大家。等每人都拾起一片后，牧师接着说，大家请吃下，以此来纪念主耶稣。随后牧师又慢慢转过身去从另外一个银盘中端起一杯事先倒好葡萄汁儿说：这是主耶稣为我们舍命流的血。当他看到每个会众手中都有杯后，仰天一望，大声说道：请大家喝下此杯，以此来纪念为我们舍命的主耶稣。这时只见全教会的弟兄姐妹个个双眼紧闭神情肃穆，喝葡萄汁儿的时候，好像有一股清流至上而下最后流入心田。这是世界各地基督教会沿用几千年的纪念主耶稣的重要仪式，据说也是Yale神学院必修的仪式课。

我见过一个牧师他在掰饼的时候用一块餐巾纸垫着，可能是考虑到了卫生问题。在座的会众大多事业有成讲究卫生，多年来一直未见有人对牧师双手触饼提出异议，在这里我看到信仰的力量。我倒是有一次摸到一块有霉味儿的小饼没有咽下去，偷偷地放进了口袋，还是被一个湖北籍的基督徒看到。事后他问我为什么没把饼吃下，我忙说近来肚子不舒服。看得出你在注意别人的时候，人家也在观察你。

与圣餐相比，忆苦饭就是实实在在地吃了。到底忆苦饭起源于何时？普遍说法是文革时期。我个人认为应该是一九六二年前后，那时国情不稳，为了稳定军队，各部队通常在各大节日前进行忆苦思甜教育，节日大会餐前喝一点儿野菜清汤，广大战士就知道什么是苦什么是甜了。只不过到了文革，忆苦饭发展为有些登峰造极了，那时人人都知道吃一顿过去穷苦人贫下中农吃的粗糠野菜，才能明白旧社会的苦，今日新社会的甜。大约到了一九六九年全国上上下下各单位每个月的政治学习时都要安排工作人员吃忆苦饭，谁也不敢溜掉，进行忆苦思甜教育，期间单位领导通常还安排一位苦大仇深的老贫农讲旧社会的悲惨生活，地主如何狠心剥削贫下中农，接着群众高呼口号，“不忘阶级苦，牢记血泪仇！”,“千万不要忘记阶级斗争！”。我手头有张上海交通大学师生吃忆苦饭时的照片，前面的几个表情严肃，在低头认真地吃着，好像有点儿边思边忆边体会的味道。

文革期间空军为“全国学解放军”的榜样，人人都知道“全国学解放军，解放军学空军！”，空军更加“左”得出奇，时常标心立异。一九六九年我在兰州军区空军大荔黄河滩农场劳动改造，赶上一次路线斗争传统教育，场领导可能看到我们三个孩子的到来，有意把通常安排一顿忆苦饭改为连吃三天忆苦饭。现在看来这样做原因可能有二，一是好好教育我们一下；二是看到我们来自空军大院，而且父亲还在位，他们表现积极一点儿，也许将来还有个出头之日，这一点从我们来后连队开始出早操可以看出。一天后连队司务长不知从哪搞来一马车胡萝卜和豆腐渣，说全连吃三天够了。接着三天胡萝卜是菜，豆腐渣是饭。吃前马本立指导员作了动员，在宣讲了一套上级印发的阶级教育提纲后，特别强调，糠这回就不给大家吃了，怕煮不烂刺伤胃。

第一天吃我觉得挺新鲜，胡萝卜是清蒸的，带点儿甜味，豆腐渣从来没吃过，好像我还吃撑了。一九六二年自然灾害期间在育鹏小学住校时经常吃地瓜干，红薯面，窝头等类似的东西，那时的东西很多都带有霉味儿，还没有现在的好吃。每次吃饭的时候，马指导员都强调，胡萝卜豆腐渣都是好东西，有营养，这些东西要真的在旧社会贫下中农还不见得吃得到呢。我也觉得这些东西除了吃多少拉多少外也没有什么不好，胡萝卜豆腐渣全属粗纤维质，所以方便起来不干不稀特别舒服，回想起现在生活水平大大提高，饮食过于油腻，如果真患了肠癌，得了“三高”，再会过头来吃这些东西不就为时过晚了吗。现在我才听说每天困扰毛泽东的不是别的而是大便问题。

第二天除了身体有些发软外没有什么特别的不适。我看到战士们个个吃得很认真，很少有嫌言碎语发牢骚的，因为他们大多是贫苦农民的后代，几乎都在做着现在当兵入党提干，将来复员进城娶老婆抱孩子吃皇粮的好梦。有的还在笔记本上写下了心得体会，他们常把不会写的字空着，有的干脆用符号代替，可能是受顾阿桃的影响。上午开了个诉苦大会，下午就安排大家自学了，到了晚上战士们大多东倒西歪躺着或坐着，或拿着《毛选》作作样子等着吹响熄灯号了。我还好平时存有一些白糖，晚上泡了杯浓浓的糖水喝下舒舒服服地睡着了。

第三天大家普遍无精打彩，出操时很多人喊跑不动。我去上厕所，发现粪便已堆得像小山一样，很难找个干净地方蹲下。厕所后面还有个猪圈，平常我喜欢去打打猪，这次我发现头天倒在猪槽里的胡萝卜豆腐渣还是满满的，猪一夜几乎连碰都没碰。我忙跑回去对同从大院来的李强说:“什么有营养！看猪都不吃了!”李强比我大两岁，是个留级生，世故些，叫我说话注意点儿。可能领导也注意到了这个问题，因为晚上就要思甜了，万一战士吃暴了胃就不好办了，马立本永远忘不了他喂马时多喂了点儿胡豆和水撑暴了马胃受到降职处分，午饭改为胡萝卜豆腐渣馅白面包子了。战士看见白面包子抓起来就吃，我咬一口一看是胡萝卜豆腐渣馅儿心里就不是滋味儿，于是就偷偷地把馅儿抖在地上，一连吃了六个白面包子皮儿。结果这一举动被一个甘肃籍的老兵看到，饭后他把我拉到一边指责我浪费粮食，说着他掏出《毛主席语录》翻来翻去，看样子想找出一条不要浪费粮食的最高指示，可能文化水平太低，不识几个字儿，急得脸上青筋都曝了出来。这件事儿过去几十年了，现在想来也可理解。他对我说过他最怕复员回到甘肃老家，那里严重缺水，老百姓靠夏天接雨水过日子，生活水平就可想而知了。他一想起复员一事常常半夜从梦里惊醒。

到底圣餐与忆苦饭有无内在的联系，这里一句话很难说清，从外表上看有些相像，都是在提醒会众（群众），不要忘记上帝（过去）。但问题常常发生在人身上，我们都知道，上帝看人是看人的罪性，文革中也出现了毛泽东思想是照妖镜的说法，如果你也同上帝一样，用上帝的眼光看人的罪性，文革时用毛泽东思想照妖，看不到同学之间有真情，看不到人与人之间有善良，看不到能在一起多美好，那可不就国家战事不断，邻里家庭吵闹不休，同事鹬蚌相争，兄弟煮豆燃萁，每天说起话来热耳酸心，到哪都是挣啊，夺啊，抢啊什么的。可不人生开始时就会寻寻觅觅，冷冷清清，到后来悲悲惨惨凄凄戚戚了，说不定还会断肠人在天涯呢。

08/10/06

Holy Communion vs Yikufan*

Before coming to the USA, I thought that the Holy Communion meant having a meal inside a church, which might also come with free drinks. During this process, a person would go from feeling hungry to being fully satisfied. Later on I learnt that it was merely a formality. At New Haven, I often attend an overseas Chinese Christian congregation, where the Holy Communion is held on the 1st Sunday of each month. During the ceremony, the Minister will solemnly pick up a piece of gluten-free wafer or bread and say: this is the body of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has given his life for us. We are eating this today in order to honour the memory of our Lord Christ. So saying, the Rev will proceed to break bread into smaller pieces with both hands and place them in a silver plate and have it passed around the congregation. After everyone has received a piece of bread, the Rev will then say, please take this piece as a way to remember Lord Jesus Christ. Then, slowly turning around to another silver plate on which stands a glass filled with dark grape juice, the Rev proceeds to raise the glass and announce that this is the blood shed by Lord Jesus Christ in sacrificing his life for us. When every member of the congregation has a glass of grape juice in hand, the Rev will, cast a look heavenwards, then proclaim in a loud voice: please drink it up in memory of our Lord Jesus Christ who sacrificed his life for us. At this moment, the sisters and brothers of the congregation all look awestruck, who, whilst maintaining a dignified silence with eyes tightly closed, will drain the glass of grape juice, which flows like a clear stream down to the bottom of each congregant’s heart. This has been an important ceremony in the Christian churches around the world for centuries as a means of commemorating Lord Jesus Christ. It is said that this is also a compulsory ceremony course for those who study at the Yale Divinity College.

Once, I saw a minister using a serviette to cushion the bread when breaking it up, which might have been done out of consideration for hygiene purposes. Among the congregation, most members are successful people in their respective careers, who naturally place a premium on cleanliness and health. Over the years, nobody has ever objected to seeing the Rev touching the bread with bare hands, here I clearly witnessed the power of faith. Once I accepted a piece of bread which tasted slightly mouldy so I did not swallow it, instead I quietly placed it inside my pocket. This action was still spotted by a Christian brother who was from Hubei Province in China. Afterwards, he asked me why I did not eat it. I hastened to explain that I had been suffering from stomach ailments lately. It is obvious that whilst you are observing others, other people are also looking over you as well.

In comparison with the Holy Communion, Yikufan was eaten for real. When did the practice of eating Yikufan actually begin? It was commonly believed to be during the Cultural Revolution in China. I personally think it started around 1962. At that time, China was going through a period of turmoil. In order to stabilise the army, all army units started the practice of Yikusitian education campaigns (which involved people to contrast the miserable past with the blessed present) during various national or public holidays. Prior to those meetings, mostly organised around public holidays, the soldiers at army units were served some light soup made of wild vegetables, this was so that they would understand why the past was so bitter and the present so very sweet. When the Cultural Revolution broke out, the practice of eating Yikufan reached its height or pinnacle. By then, everybody was made fully aware that only through personally eating the chuffs and wild vegetables which had been the daily intake of the poor peasants in the past, could they properly understand the miserable old society and fully appreciate the blessed new society. By 1969, all the work units at various levels throughout China started to conduct monthly political study sessions, during which they would always incorporate eating Yikufan as a means to get their people to compare the bitter past against the sweet present, an activity nobody would dare to skip. During this campaign period, the unit authority would usually arrange an old peasant who had been through much hardship to make a special presentation by recounting his miserable life in the old society. He would tell people about how the heartless landlord would ruthlessly exploit the peasants, hearing thus, the audience would then shout slogans like: “Don’t forget the hatred of the exploiting class nor the bloody debts owed by our class enemies”! “Never ever forget class struggle!” To this day, I still keep a picture taken of students from Shanghai Jiaotong University taking Yikufan. The students on the front row all wore a solemn expression, who, with lowered heads, were bent on eating Yikufan, while at the same time seeming to have lost in deep thinking, and trying hard to make sense of the bitter past.

During the Cultural Revolution, the Air Force was the exemplary model for the so called “the whole nation should follow the People’s Liberation Army (PLA)’s suit” Campaign. Everyone knew that “the whole nation was supposed to learn from the PLA and the PLA in turn would learn from the Air Force”! The Air Force was extremely “leftist” and constantly came up with new, different and unique ways to do things. In 1969, I was undertaking labour reform at Dali Yellow River Farm which was affiliated with the air force of Lanzhou military district. It happened to be right bang in the middle of a traditional education campaign aimed at fighting against the rightist movement. Upon seeing the arrival of our three youngsters, the authority figures there decided to change the previously planned one Yikufan to having it for three consecutive days. The reason for this might well have been twofold: first, it was to serve to thoroughly educate us; secondly, seeing we were from the airforce compound, with our fathers still occupying their respective high ranking positions, they felt that by demonstrating some initiatives, they could hopefully one day get recognised and promoted. This we confirmed when we saw them marshalling all of us to do morning exercises. A day later, the company officer somehow got hold of a whole cartful of carrots and tofu scum and said this would be sufficient to last the whole company for 3 days. Carrots would be served as dishes and the tofu scum as rice. Before eating it, Instructor Ma Ben Li gave a pep talk, during which he read aloud the outline of class struggle education issued and printed by the authority, followed by a strong emphasis on the fact that harsh stuff like chuff would not be given this time to avoid hurting the stomaches of all the people involved.

On the first day, I felt the whole thing quite novel. Carrots were steamed which tasted slightly sweet. I had never had tofu scum before, so I remember over-stuffing myself that day. During the natural disaster year of 1962 in China, when boarding at Yupeng Primary School, I often ate dried sweet potatoes, noodles made of sweet potatoes and steamed corn bread, etc. At that time, a lot of things smelt mouldy, and did not taste as nice as Yikufan. Every time when we were partaking of Yikufan, Instructor Ma emphasized the fact that both carrots and tufu scum were good nutritious foods, which during the old society were not actually available to the poor peasants. I also felt that apart from the fact that what we ate was then passed out intact, there was nothing else bad about it. Both carrots and tofu scum consist of crude fiber, so it made bowl movement smooth, effortless and comforting. Now with a significantly higher living standard these days, the foods we eat tend to be far too oily for our own good. If one is found with bowel cancer, or suffers the so-called 3 highs, namely, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and high blood sugar, he/she then resorts to eating those foods again, it usually will be a bit too late. I recently found out that what bothered Mao Zedong everyday was precisely bowel disorder.

On the 2nd day after eating Yikufan, apart from feeling a bit listless, I did not experience any other particular discomfort. I could see that all the soldiers ate it with a great deal of zeal and did not complain or say anything negative. They were the younger generation of poor peasants and all dreamt of getting enlisted into the army and promoted so that when it was time to leave the army, they could expect to marry, have children and receive a permanent income. Some of them also noted down in writing their experiences and feelings, and they’d leave spaces for words they could not write, some even used symbols in place of words they did not know how to write, maybe they were influenced by Gu A Tao. In the morning, there usually would be a session aimed at prompting us to remember the bitter past which would be followed by self-study in the afternoon in the barracks. When evening came, the soldiers would lie down or sit down in all manner of postures, or pretending to be reading “Selected Readings of Chairman Mao” until the curfew whistle sounded to inform all to turn off the lights. I kept some white sugar at the time, so I would prepare myself a glass of hot sugary water in the evening which made me sleep very soundly after drinking it.
On the 3rd day, all of us felt limp and listless, when going out for physical exercises, many people said they could not muster up enough strength to run. I went to the toilet, and found the droppings heaped very high like a small hill. It was very hard for me to find a clean space to do my thing. There was a pigsty behind the toilet, I liked to pat the pigs usually, but this time, I found that the vessels in which we poured the carrots and tofu scum on the 1st day was still full and it was quite obvious that even the pigs did not bother to touch the stuff there overnight.
I immediately ran back to inform Liqiang who also came from the air force compound of my finding. “How could they say the stuff were nutritious, even the pigs refused to eat them! Liqiang was 2 years older than me, he repeated a grade, and having more worldly wisdom, he cautioned me against saying too much. Maybe the leaders had noted this problem, too. That particular evening was to be devoted to focusing on the bliss of our present happy life, it would not be a pretty sight if the soldiers ate to bursting point. Ma Liben could never forget the incident in which he overfed the horse with water and strictosidine which caused the horses’ stomachs to burst as a result and he got demoted as a punishment. Lunches changed into white flour buns stuffed with mixed carrots and scum instead. Seeing buns made of white flour, I bit on it straight away. Upon seeing the content of carrots and scum, I was very disappointed. I surreptitiously shook out the stuffing onto the floor and ate only the wrapping. My action was witnessed by an old soldier who hailed from Gansu Province. After the meal, he took me aside and reprimanded me for wasting food. So saying, he fumbled in his pocket for perhaps Chairman Mao’s instructions concerning the need to not waste any food. With a very limited education, he could hardly recognise many words, so he looked very anxious to the point that his veins bulged. The matter now was in the distant past of several scores of years, I felt I could understand why he carried on the way he did. He said to me that he most dreaded the prospect of returning to his old home in Gansu, where there was a severe water shortage, and the people there relied on scarce rainwater to subsist. The extent of the abject poor living standard of the ordinary people at the time was quite imaginable. He often woke up from a nightmare in the middle of the night which threatened to send him home to Gangsu.
Whether there was any inherent analogy between the Holy Communion and Yikufang, it is hard for me to sum up in a word. However, there is some resemblance as they both were aimed at reminding the congregation (masses), not to forget God (past). The problem is usually with us humans, we all know that in God’s eye, humans are sinful. During the Cultural Revolution, there was also the saying that Mao Zedong Thoughts were a mirror which could reflect the good and evil. If like God, you also look at the sinfulness of humans, and use the so-called Mao Zedong Thought during the Cultural Revolution to recognise evil, it would be impossible to see that there were actually true feelings among students and there was kindness among humans. Without being able to see the harmony of people, it is therefore of little wonder that nations fight against one another, neighbours argue incessantly over trivialities and colleagues fight and brothers torture or trample upon each other. If everyday, all people ever say to each other are words which are hurtful, there will always be endless fights. Didn’t we begin life’s journey seeking, searching, feeling alone, and later on, it is often accompanied by an overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness. Who knows, one can well end life broken-hearted and in a strange place!


Translator’s note:

Yikufan* refers here to special meals prepared or rather designed to allow people who eat it to contrast past misery against present happiness.