小笑話一篇（部分素材來自網上）

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柳宗元被捕入獄，遇到也才進來的李白，問李白因何在此。

李白說:“造謠罪，‘飛流直下三千尺，’人家居然真去那個鬼瀑布量了，三千差一尺。就差一尺，我就栽了。”

柳宗元嘆道：“彼此彼此，還記得‘千山鳥飛絕’吧？有人也不知在哪棵樹上看見一隻，就把我舉報了。更可氣的是，據說剩的那一隻還是個死的。”

Liu Zongyuan, locked up in prison, runs into Li Bai, also a newly minted inmate, and asks Li what he is in for. 

“They convicted me of falsely reporting for writing ‘Its torrent dashes down three thousand feet from high (1).’  You wouldn’t believe it but they actually took the trouble to measure that damn fall and, surprise, surprise, it’s actually one foot short of 3,000.  One foot short, and here I am!” 

“Same here,” Liu says, “Remember ’All the birds have taken flight from the hills?’  Someone spotted one poor birdie on a frickin tree and told on me.  And listen to this.  That bird?  I’ve been told it was a dead bird.”

正在感嘆時，杜牧垂頭喪氣地進來了。大家忙問：“你怎麼進來了？”

杜牧說：“唉，說我公然猥褻，道德敗壞。”

大夥異口同聲地說：“是不是‘停車做（坐）愛楓林晚’？”

杜說：“是的，奇恥大辱啊，就憑這麼一句詩，他們就說老子在車裡做愛，按他們的說法，是車震！車震個鬼啊！”

“可別說我沒提醒過你哦，”李白一邊使勁搖頭一邊說，“你頭一回讓我看那詩，我就讓你把“坐愛”給改掉。你偏不聽。”

“可是在那句里，用‘坐’當‘因為’最好啊，”杜牧幾乎是祈求着說。

一聽他這麼講，大家沒話了。

These two are commiserating with each other when Du Mu steps in, crestfallen. 

“What are you in for?” they ask.  

“Whew, I was found guilty of public indecency, a crime of moral turpitude no less,” Du responds in despair.

“Because of ’停車做(坐)愛楓林晚,’ right?”  Liu and Li blurt out in unison.

“Yes, I feel so humiliated.  I was convicted of making love in a coach, or ‘coachquake’, as they put it, on this one single shred of evidence.  Coachquake, my foot!”  

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you, though,” Li Bai says, head shaking emphatically, “The very first time you showed me that poem, I told you to change “坐愛” to something else.  You just wouldn’t listen.”

“But there is simply no better choice than ‘坐’ to mean ‘because’ in that line!” Du says, his tone more imploring than retorting.  

At that, they fall silent.

正在此時，陸游罵罵咧咧沖了進來。

“你怎麼進來了？”大家齊問。

“就因為我寫了‘勿言牛老行苦遲，我今八十耕猶力’，他們就說我為老不尊，八十歲還想包二奶。是個人就知道，我老伴幾年前就沒了，我還寫了‘白頭老鰥哭空堂，不獨悼死亦自傷。’從那時起我一直獨身。我的二奶在哪兒？我倒想認識認識呢。”

“你還別說，”李白在那邊小聲嘟囔，“‘李白’和‘二奶’，還挺押韻。”

“閉嘴，傻瓜，就知道喝！”陸游生氣地呵斥。

Lu You, cursing, bursts in on those three just then. 

“What are you in for?” they inquire.

“No more than writing, ‘Don’t say an old ox is useless.  At 80, I’m still hard at it.’  They allege I’m 80 years old and I’m still scheming to keep Er-Nai mistresses.  Everyone knows I lost my wife some years ago and wrote ‘Grey-haired widower cries over his loneliness.  He grieves for his wife and he grieves himself.’  I’ve been single since.  Where are all my Er-Nai mistresses?  I’d like to get to know them.”

“You know,” Li Bai murmurs, “’Loneliness’ rhymes much better with ‘mistress’ than ‘himself.’”

“Shut up, you rummy fool!”  Lu You retorts in anger.

這幾人正談論着陸游的案子呢，就見穿了醒目牢服的李清照路過，眾人驚問：“弱女子怎麼了？”

李清照答曰:“常記溪亭日暮，沉醉不知歸路。”涉嫌酒駕拘留，一面說着，一面一如往常地眼含夢幻，嘴角掛笑。

聽聞李清照的回覆，李白跌坐地上嘆曰，“我要倒大霉了。這麼一次區區小犯就有牢獄之災，我這種酒蟲又下場如何？”念及此，李白環顧左右，用預言家的莊重口吻宣布：“大家聽好，魯迅也要和咱們共命運了。”

“咋回事？”柳宗元問道，“他不是偉大旗手嗎？”

李白：“‘破帽遮顏過鬧市, 漏船載酒泛中流’，你地，明白？”

“那都是老黃曆了，誰叫你們不跟時事，魯迅畏罪潛逃好久了。連他的缺席審判都完事了，說他反對把“妄議中央”入罪。”

李白：“真的？他幹啥啦？”

陸游：“還不是因為他提的那個問題，‘和尚摸得我摸不得？’”

As they are discussing Lu You’s case, they see Li Qingzhao passing by in shiny jail uniform and exclaim in horror: “What can a delicate lady like you have done to be sent in here?”

“The dusk at the river arbor I often recall.  Blind-drunk, our way back we remembered not at all,’ Li replies with the usual dreamy look in her eyes and a smile on her lips, “I’m in jail for drunk driving.”

Upon hearing that, Li Bai crumples to the floor, muttering: “I’m in big trouble now.  If one can be in for such a one-time trivial indiscretion, what’s going to happen to a winebibber like me?”  Then he looks around and declares in the solemn tone of a prophet:”Guys, Lu Xun will be joining us soon.”

“Why?” Liu Zongyuan says, “Isn’t he lauded as the great flag bearer?” 

Li Bai: “’Crossing the busy market, under a torn hat I hide my face.  Carrying wine in a leaky boat, down the river I race.’ That’s why.”

“But that’s old news,” Lu You chips in, “You all don’t read the news, do you?  Lu Xun has been on the lam for a while now.  He was tried in absentia for protesting the creation of the crime of “issuing groundless criticism of decisions and policies by the central authority.”   

Li Bai: “Really, what did he do?”   

Lu You: “Because he asked the question: ‘If a monk can touch it, why can’t I?’”

“嗨，你連駕駛執照都沒有吧？” 陸游暫時把自己的煩惱擱在一邊，回身問李清照。

“沒有吧？什麼是駕駛執照？ 和我被抓進來有啥關係？”李清照一臉迷惘地問。

大夥的嘆氣聲未落，蘇軾跌跌撞撞地進來了。

大家納悶：“你又何事？”

“涉黃，“蘇軾嘆曰，臉色紅得像豬肝，”我只不過寫了句’橫看成嶺側成峰，遠近高低各不同’，他們就說我偷看女人。冤枉啊！我高度近視，連自己伸出去的手都看不清，就因為近視，閱讀前後都得用熱毛巾敷眼。像我這種視而不見的人，怎麼會偷看，偷看個鬼啊！”

“Eh, do you even have a driver’s license?”  Turning back to Li Qingzhao and forgetting his own misery briefly, Lu You asks.

“No, what’s a driver’s license?  What’s that got to do with it?” a wide-eyed Li Qianzhao inquires, a look of perplexity on her face.

The door opens at a heavy sigh from everyone and in stumbles Su Shi.

“What has landed you here,” all the people ask in disbelief.

“Sexual Deviancy”, Su whimpers, blushing crimson, “All I did was writing ‘They are hills viewed in face and peaks viewed from the side, Assuming different shapes viewed from far and wide,’ and they charged me with the crime of being a peeping tom.  This is all just a misunderstanding!  I’m so nearsighted I can’t even see my out-stretched hands.  I’m known for putting hot compresses around my eyes before and after reading due to nearsightedness.  How can I be a peeping tom if I can’t see a thing?  Peeping at what?” 

就在這時華佗也進來了，眾詩人異口同聲地問華：“你又不做詩，治病救人咋也進來了？”

華佗唉聲嘆氣地說：“沒醫師證，非法行醫啊！像這種新立的罪名，居然不給老夫豁免一下。”

華佗話音未落，李時珍就進來了，一邊走着，一邊兩手奮力在撕扯一部《本草綱目》，華佗顫聲驚問，你也不能行醫了嗎？李時珍罵道"竟然有人說我抄襲《黃帝內經》。”

At that, in walks Hua Tuo. 

From everyone, “You don’t even write poetry.  Why are you also in prison?  Has providing medical service become a crime?”

“No, not yet, but practicing medicine without a license is a crime now and there is no provision for someone like me to be grandfathered in,” answers Hua Tuo dejectedly.

No sooner does Hua Tuo finish his answer than Li Shizhen enters, his hands busily tearing apart a copy of “Compendium of Materia Medica.” 

“You’re banned from practicing medicine, too?” Hua Tuo, alarmed, inquires in a trembling voice.

“They accuse me of plagiarizing ‘The Yellow Emperor's Inner Classic’.” 

“哇，以前還從來沒聽說有誰因為抄襲進監獄呢，”李清照一面插言，一面竟癱倒在地，嘴裡還在念叨：“這下糟了，居然還要查我的抄襲罪了。”

陸游一向把李清照當密友，趨前關問道，“何事如此憂心？”

李清照聲帶哭腔答曰：“希望無事，你記得我寫的那首詩吧，盪鞦韆的那首？”

“你是說那首以‘倚門回首, 卻把青梅嗅’結尾的詩？”

“對，正是，”此時李已是聲淚俱下，“我從沒跟任何人講過，我寫那詩的時候是參考了韓偓的一首詩的。” 

“沒事的，”聽到倆人的交談，李時珍插言道，“我進來純粹是因為有人不喜歡張文宏醫生關於需要和新冠病毒共存的看法。他們想用論文抄襲的事打擊張文宏的公信力。就是這群人想用我的案子試水，看看公眾對抄襲反應如何。”

“Wow, I’ve never heard of anyone thrown into the slammer for plagiarism!”  Li Qingzhao interjects.  As she is slumping down, she is heard muttering: “This is bad.  To think I may also be prosecuted for plagiarism!”

Lu You, who considers Li Qianzhao a bosom friend, moves over to her. 

“What’s bugging you?”  Whispers Lu. 

“Oh,” Li sounds like she is near tears, “I hope it’s nothing.  It’s just that, you remember that poem by me, the one about playing on a swing?” *

“Oh, the one that ends in ‘Leaning on a door, I looked to see who comes. In less than no time, I sniffed at the green plums’?”

“Yes, yes, that one.”  Li Qingzhao is sobbing now.  “I haven’t told anyone, but that one is, in a sense, based on a poem by Han Wo.” (13)

“Don’t worry.”  Overhearing the conversation between Li Qingzhao and Lu You, Li Shizhen puts in.  “I’m here only because some people don’t like Dr. Zhang Wenhong’s opinion that the world will have to co-exist with the Covid virus and are trying to discredit him by claiming that he committed plagiarism in his doctoral dissertation.  These same people are using my case to test the water, to gauge people’s reaction to my treatment.”     

大家正安慰李清照呢，杜甫哭哭泣泣地跌撞進來，一面還絕望地嚷着：“我無家可歸了，無家可歸了！我的草堂成了非法建築，已經給拆了。我跟他們說我要寫詩抗議，他們就把我關這兒來了！”

這邊大夥還正在暗暗祈求剛看見的這些悽慘事不要再發生了，下一個進來這位卻讓大傢伙目瞪口呆，因為進來的不是別人，正是堂堂孔夫子。

“你們都想知道我為什麼會給抓進來嗎？”望着每個人臉上的迷惑，孔夫子激憤而呼，“那我就告訴你們，我進來，就是因為那個剛剛巧立的名目，非法家教！”

While Li Qingzhao is being consoled, there stumbles in a crying Du Fu who declares despondently：”I’m homeless.  Homeless!  My thatched cottage was declared an illegal building and has been demolished.  I told them I’d write poems of protest and they throw me into prison!”   

Just as everyone is desperately hoping the deep sadness they are suffering from what they’ve witnessed cannot get any worse, the next figure to come in leaves everyone dumbfounded, as it is none other than Confucius. 

“You all want to know what I’m in for?”  Seeing the quizzical look on everyone’s face, Confucius roars in utter indignation and bitterness, “I’ll tell you what I’m in for; I’m in for the newly concocted crime of illegal tutoring!”

* 

《點絳唇》

宋.李清照

蹴罷鞦韆，起來慵整纖縴手。露濃花瘦，薄汗輕衣透。

見客入來，襪剗金釵溜。和羞走，倚門回首，卻把青梅嗅。

《偶見》。

唐.韓偓

鞦韆打困解羅裙，指點醍醐索一尊。見客入來和笑走，手搓梅子映中門。