Collage 265 H u m o u r N e t 20 MAY 96

God rides again ...

My previous "God" opener (Collage 255) received more critical
acclaim than I ever could have predicted. It also generated about a
dozen unsubscribes, which I filed under "Natural Selection."

One of the more interesting responses I received was from Professor
Lawson of the Asbury Theological Seminary in Wilmore, Kentucky --
who openly admits to being Pastor Rus's Old Testament instructor back
in seminary. (Yes, BTW, the extra "s" is required when making "Rus"
possessive.) He is also the person who introduced Pastor Rus to
HumourNet, so he's suspect already ... ;-)

This is getting too weird ... It's enough of a shock to my system to
find out that I have a pastor on HumourNet. (Bear in mind, this
comes on the heels of my being called a pabulum-puking liberal --
which was a real novelty, in itself. Really. I've never been called
a "liberal" before in my life, much less one of the "pabulum puking"
variety. But I digress.) Then I find out that I have *several*
preacher types on the list. And finally, I learn that there is not
only an underground network of preachers on the list, but the network
includes [at least one] theology instructor -- and he's spreading the
Good Word about HumourNet!

[Editor's Note: I "cleared" this opener with both Rus and Lawson
last week. In his response, Lawson had some very entertaining
comments to add to the opener; I have included some of them in
brackets throughout the text. Thanks, Lawson! (And Rus!) ]

[Lawson: You have at least three other faculty from my own
institution on the list at my encouragement.]

This is quite an awakening for a devout agnostic.

That is, a *previous* agnostic. The presence of this underground
movement of preachers on HumourNet has me just a little concerned;
as a result, I've decided that some changes are in order around here.
Thus, it gives me great pleasure to say ...

Welcome to GospelNet.

Yes, my children (sheep?), we are no longer spreading the blasphemous
humor of the xxxxed, but will be rejoicing in the Word of the Saved!
(You kinda have to read this stuff really loudly, I think.) Brothers
and sisters, gather 'round me as I welcome you to the New Way, a New
Internet Religion of Hope and Praise -- and you'll receive it three
times a week, direct to your mailbox, as long as the listproc doesn't
start acting up again. Consider it to be your Electronic Salvation.
And, as part of the program, the "unsubscribe" command
has now been disabled. But who would ever *want* to unsubscribe
from The Good Word of GospelNet?

And, of course, this means we'll be taking up regular collections, as
well. ;-)

Okay, I'm kidding. I had *almost* found God....

Almost, that is, until one of my preacher-type subscribers wrote to
tell me that he *really* liked the "God Save Me/From Your Followers"
bumper sticker in Collage 252. (He requested anonymity -- wonder
why?) Then I come to find out, from Professor Lawson, that Pastor Rus
also happens to be on a Nascar Race-Car mailing list. (As Lawson
said, "What's next? Lady mud wrestling?" ... We could only hope,
professor.)

The clincher, though, was when Professor Lawson sent me several
contributions for the current God Collage -- along with the
statement, "Funny God, Funny People."

Funny God? Okay..... I guess that doesn't really surprise me. It's
more the *people* I'm concerned about -- but a "Funny God" is a
concept that even I can buy into. Why, just *look* at some of the
practical jokes He's pulled:

* The Trojan Horse

* The Trojan Rabbit (I credit my knowledge of world history to Monty
Python movies.)

* That whole "flat Earth" thing

[Lawson: Hey, he made it, but didn't include documentation. Only
looks flat, just like Windoze *looks* like a Mac. Not Apple's fault.
Not God's fault. Bill Gates's fault.]

[Editor's Note: Okay, I can buy anything that lays blame on Bill
Gates. ]

* Windoze '95 (and the Windoze '96 "enhancement kit" -- currently
slated for release early next year ;-)

[Lawson: More related to the Devil than God, I think. God uses a
Cray and programs it in direct binary.]

[Editor's Note: I think this was another Bill Gates slam. ]

* Bill Clinton

* The O.J. verdict

[Lawson: Maybe it proves God's judgment -- on California.]

Now *there* is a God with a sense of humor for you! And, if his
sense of humor really is *that* good, I guess I'd be just as well
served to stay with the previous "HumourNet" concept.

Speaking of previous concepts, I must make a correction (already in
the archives) to Collage 255: It turns out that the "Most Backward
State" award goes to *Tennessee*, not Georgia. I have filed all the
necessary paperwork with the Academy, and we're currently awaiting
formal transfer of the award --- assuming that Georgia doesn't file
an injunction. (Many thanks to Phil in Georgia and Andy in ? for the
correction.)

While I'm at it, I'd like to thank Rus and Lawson for their
participation in/pre-approval of this Collage -- and I'd also like
to welcome Professor Lawson into the HumourNet Distinguished Members
list. (You might not want to let this get around, Lawson.) A sense
of humor like that from a theology professor is rare, indeed (at
least, in *this* moderator's experience).

Lawson also opens this Collage, with the piece entitled, "Where is
God?"

Pastor Rus (also a Distinguished Member -- Collage 255) follows up
with "Chauffeur Pope."

Lorraine in Texas sends us "Doctors as Provisional Dieties."

Lenore in Virginia -- who certainly scores an "E" for "Effort" --
contributes the piece, "Grim Pranks."

Randy Cassingham of "THIS is TRUE" (*and* another Distinguished
Member) (I'm going to have to call this the "Distinguished Members"
Collage) sends us "No Easy Task."

And Steve Willoughby of the Oracle Service Humor List (*and* a prior
HumourNet Guest Moderator) contributes "Divine Graffiti."

What a lineup! And speaking of lineups, with the recent addition of
Alaska, HumourNet is now being delivered to *all* 50 states! (As well
as 66 countries worldwide.)

Many thanks to this issue's contributors -- including God.

Go in humor ...

- Vince Sabio
HumourNet Moderator
HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio
Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Where is God?

A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted
all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one
last approach: she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a
lecture.

First, the younger boy was admitted into the stern minister's study.

Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few
moments, then challenged him: "Young man, where is God?"

The boy was stunned to silence.

The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the
question: "I asked you, Where Is God?"

The boy began to quake with dread -- this was no ordinary lecture
for being bad!

Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now
shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door,
running headlong into his older brother.

"What's wrong? What's the matter?" asked the older boy.

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Chauffeur Pope

The Pope had just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and was taking
a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks
the chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur
doesn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo
and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see
what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees
the red & blue lights of a CHiP in his mirror. He pulls over and
the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it is,
says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief
that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to
handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" asks the chief.

"No sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the Governor?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Is it the PRESIDENT???"

"No sir! Even *more* important!"

"Well WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.

"I don't know sir," replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as
his chauffeur."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Doctors as Provisional Deities

A doctor wants to move up to the head of the queue to enter Heaven.
He approaches the Gate and presents his credentials to St. Peter. He
pleads his case: Since he has saved so many lives, healed the sick,
etc., he's entitled to enter without waiting "for an eternity."

St. Peter is sympathetic but firm. He explains to the doctor that
everyone has his or her turn to enter Heaven (or be turned away),
and past career choice isn't a criterion to move someone to the
front.

The doctor sullenly returns to the end of the queue.

While waiting, the doctor sees a man wearing a white lab coat and a
stethoscope around his neck rush past the queue. The doctor speaks
to St. Peter, who allows the newcomer to enter Heaven at once.

The irate doctor leaves his place and hurries to confront St. Peter.
"What gives with *that* guy?" he demands to know. "I thought you
told me doctors can't cut into the front!"

"Oh, that wasn't a doctor, sir, that was God," St. Peter explains,
shrugging. "He just *thinks* he's a doctor."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Grim Pranks

Don't knock on Death's door. Just ring the bell and run. He hates
that.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: No Easy Task

There was a young couple, very much in love, who -- the night before
they were to be married -- were both tragically killed in an
automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of
heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.

After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St.
Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy
in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated
our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get
married?"

St. Peter looked at him and said, "I don't know, I've never heard
of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have
to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an
appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."

Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian
angels into the august presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they
repeated their request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said,
"I'll tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get
married, come back and we will talk about it again."

Well, five years went by and the couple, still very much wanting to
get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please
you must wait another five years and then I will consider your
request."

Finally, they came before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten
years after their first request, and asked the Lord again. This
time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. Congratulations! This
Saturday, at 2:00 pm, we will have wonderful ceremony in the main
chapel and the reception will be on me!"

The wedding was perfect. All the guests thought the bride was
beautiful, Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River delta, and
Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed
it, the couple was married only a few weeks when they realized they
had made a terrible mistake -- they just couldn't stay married to
one another.

So, they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this
time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord
heard their request he glared at them and said, "Look, it took us
ten years to find a priest up here in heaven -- do you have any idea
how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Divine Graffiti

Graffiti About God:

Contrary to popular belief, "xxxx It" is not God's last name.
(Construction wall, Philadelphia)

God is dead.
-- Nietzche
<... and then underneath ...>
Nietzche is dead.
-- God
(Odeon Metro station, Paris)

God is not dead, he just moved to a better neighborhood.
(Unknown)

Does God have a navel?
(Florida State University)

God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
(University of Michigan)

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