Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night - only to find a cucumber in his hand. "What is this," she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what have you been using on me for the past 5 years?"
"Honey, let me explain..."

"Why, you sneaky b_stard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a ..."

"Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids?"