2015-06-07

【Aiden in English】

        A 4-star restaurant usually has ridiculously high prices in NYC, and food that could be eaten nearly anywhere. Pair it with some wine and bam! The food just got a 4-star quality. The Russian Tea Room sounded like a different breed, and I was about to find out just how much.

        Russians enjoyed caviar. In fact, I’ll say it seems like there only condiment. So going to a 4-star Russian restaurant, you’ll think there is going to be caviar. Only problem is that I don’t like caviar. To avoid it, I carefully choose selections without the letters “c-a-v-i-a-r” in them. I settled for Onion Soup since mom recommended it for me. The things I now know about Russians are that they have a love for cheese. The onion soup was covered with cheese, thick and chewy. Swallowing it felt like a hot rope stuck in your throat. The soup was decent, and the onions were tasty. But since the cheese covered everything, to get to the soup, I had to get through the cheese. 

        Now I don’t know if this is an American lunch, but I got RTR Sliders with three small burger sliders as the entrée arrived at the table. The first was made with salmon and avocado. The avocado gave to food texture, but it was too oily. The next two were basically obese food that can even penetrate the most guarded facilities. I licked the spot clean where they once were. The side dish came with fries as well, accompanied with the most American, Heinz ketchup they can get. Mmmm… I surely did enjoy Russian cuisine, especially if it’s American. You see, all around the world, mixing cultures had allowed fast food to spread. In fact, 75 McDonald’s burgers are being sold every second. Maybe the world is doomed for obesity. And today, the evidence is being uncovered in the Russian Tea Room, revealing an ugly truth.

        Mom got a burrito-like dish or Blinchik, an amazing appetite that was stuffed with cabbage and slices of meat, a Chipotle style. The taste resembled Chinese culture as well, blended flavors like paint. Her main course was Boeuf à la Stroganoff. Red wine braised beef sitting on a bed of thick noodles drenched in a creamy mushroom and black truffle cream sauce. The braised beef was all too similar to the Chinese way of cooking. And it was great to show you how much mom actually almost finished the entire plate but a chunk of veal.

        Considering the new generation’s laziness, I wouldn’t be surprised if obesity became the new smoking case in the future. Beware everyone, for fast food has invaded the far reaches of time and space, and will consume us all!

【紅霞譯文】

        紐約市內四星級餐廳通常價格高得離譜，吃的東西並不比其它地方特殊，頂多來杯葡萄美酒時尚一把，哇塞！食物公然被冠上四星級稱號。俄羅斯茶館聽起來別有情調，我正想親自體驗一下它到底有何魅力。

        俄羅斯人愛吃魚子醬，以我個人之見，魚子醬充其量只能算作調味品。不過當走進一個四星級俄羅斯餐廳，魚子醬必將成為你的首選。問題在於我吃不來魚子醬，所以想方設法不去碰任何帶有“魚—子—醬”的玩藝，恰逢媽媽舉薦洋蔥湯，我二話沒說當即拍板。直到這個時候我才幡然醒悟俄羅斯人有多愛吃奶酪，洋蔥湯表面白化化一層敦厚耐嚼，咽起來感覺像吞下一條燙嘴的繩子，死死地卡在喉嚨當中。憑良心而論，湯本身不錯，洋蔥蠻有味道，但奶酪實在瓷實霸道，想要喝上口湯非得費勁鑿穿奶酪不可。

        現在我開始犯懵，搞不懂自己點的正餐到底是不是美式午餐，桌前擺上三個小巧玲瓏本茶館正宗特製的漢堡包三明治。第一個由鮭魚和鱷梨做成，鱷梨提升食品質地，但吃起來香膩無比；其它兩個基本上都算增肥食品，其熱卡大到可以穿透大多數戒備森嚴的防禦設施，我只舔了一下尚未被油漬滋潤的乾涸地方。小菜附帶炸薯條，還有美國最為流行的拌料——亨氏番茄醬，哼…，單憑這一點，我確實喜歡俄羅斯風味，暫且假設它不跟美式快餐同流合污。由此可見，當全球文化相互交融，快餐猶如雨後春筍遍地盛開，事實上，每秒鐘就有七十五個麥當勞漢堡包被推銷出去，也許世界終究會朝着肥胖的方向發展，今天我在俄羅斯茶館的親身經歷，恰好揭示了令人難堪的真相。

        媽媽點的俄羅斯卷餅，裡面包有圓白菜和肉絲，極具“啟波特雷”墨西哥快餐風味，挺好吃的一道開胃菜，嘗起來又像中餐，可謂大雜燴。她吃的主菜為俄式牛柳面，紅葡萄酒燉牛肉與寬麵條拌上奶油蘑菇和黑松露乳汁，如同中式烹飪味道，媽媽風捲殘雲，僅留下小塊肉末。

        鑑於年輕一代懶惰成性，假如將來肥胖真成了大問題，我一點也不感到驚訝。大家千萬要當心，快餐已侵蝕我們的日常生活，恨不能快要打垮整個人類！