2016-07-12

【Aiden in English】

        Do the people of Scotland drink whiskey, without an "e"? Well, they do, and it is probably the most popular drink. With a requirement to be fermented for three years, it is a powerful, alcoholic beverage that every Scottish man enjoys. For every second, two percent of an atom evaporates, and for whiskey aged over forty years has a price that nearly might as well be priceless. Perhaps to be the Scottish, you must be old enough to drink and sip whiskey every dinner with your beef and potatoes. Oh, maybe you have to eat beef and potatoes. It's a very United Kingdom-ish dish. Maybe you have to be so stuffed with potatoes and roasted cow that cannibals can taste them after you die. "Wow, this human tastes like ... roast beef and potatoes. How odd!" 

        Or, even, you have to live in a medieval castle. The Inveraray Castle is a great example, housing families of Dukes and Duchesses for decades. Featuring fantastic interior design, the castle showcases detailed paintings of the members of world-renowned leaders and local rulers in its beautiful halls. Beware, don't let the pretty face of the house fool you; the center contains an armory, decorated with spears, rifles, blunderbusses, 10-in knives, axes, swords of all kinds, ammunition, chest-plates, chain mail leggings, chain saddles, war maces, and basically every pre-Industrial Revolution lethal item that could be welded in a hand. I'm not sure about history now. There could've been a chance that the Vikings were Scottish. To be honest, I wouldn't know, because I'm not Scottish. Maybe the Scottish people have to walk around holding weapons. That makes it even more dangerous than the US these days. Perhaps on the outside, they are plain English folks talking about the weather. But when the whiskey is served, they transform into savage monsters that wear helmets with two horns. Oops, I guess the stereotype is too strong. 

        Maybe, to be Scottish, you have to be eaten by the Loch Ness monster. Not that it's real, but don't tell the people at Loch Ness, it's the main tourist attraction... Anyway, groups of scientists have tried to theorize the legends of a man-eating monster, which just off of the description doesn't seem to gain any credit. So far, the best piece of evidence other than century-old drawings and myths are seismic readings in the area when some Italian scientists came to the lake. Not a lot to work off of. Oh! Maybe to be Scottish, you have to be vague at times. That's how I felt with our very Scottish tour guide today. 

        So perhaps this is how to be Scottish. You're vague, but mysterious, and have been eaten by the Loch Ness monster, which is why you carry around a dangerous weapon to defend yourself all the time. You, to store all your guns, live in a medieval castle, and have your own farm that grows potatoes and has cows, which is why you always eat and taste like roast beef. And most of all, you drink the greatest alcoholic beverage in the world, whiskey, which really isn't the best Water of Life in the world. It's just that to be Scottish, you have to be stubborn. 

        Wow, that was a load of baloney and stereotypes. That is not how to be Scottish, except for the whiskey part...

【紅霞譯文】

        蘇格蘭人所喝的威士忌名稱中沒有非同尋常的字母“e”嗎？是的，他們可能把威士忌封為最受歡迎的飲料。威士忌需要發酵三年，烈性醇香，深得蘇格蘭男人青睞。發酵過程中，每秒鐘就有百分之二的原子蒸發，年過四十載的老窖價格狂飈，幾乎賽過無價之寶。不過即使身為蘇格蘭人，必須長到一定的歲數才能就着土豆燒牛肉喝口威士忌咂巴一下滋味。哦，或許你不得不拿土豆牛肉當下酒菜，這可是正宗的英國料理；或許你一年到頭不是吃土豆燒牛肉，就是吃牛肉燉土豆，以致百年之後，連食肉族動物都不無感觸：“哇塞，這傢伙吃起來怎麼一股土豆燒牛肉的味道，多邪乎！”

        要不然你必須住在中世紀城堡里，因弗拉雷城堡即為最好的實例，過去幾十年來公爵和公爵夫人一家長期在這裡生活。城堡室內裝潢富麗堂皇，氣派的大廳依次陳列家族成員巨幅畫像，其中不乏有世界知名的領導人物以及掌管實權的地方闊佬。務必留心，千萬不要被精美的畫面所蒙蔽，大廳中央設有軍械庫，裡面擺滿了長矛、步槍、散彈槍、10英寸匕首、斧子、各種寶劍、彈藥、護胸、鏈甲護腿、鐵皮馬鞍、狼牙棒，大工業革命前焊接打制的致命器械基本上應有盡有。現在我愈發對歷史滿目迷惘，莫非北歐海盜真是蘇格蘭人，坦率地說，我自己確實搞不懂到底怎麼回事，畢竟咱不是蘇格蘭後裔，沒準他們出門隨身帶槍，豈不比當今美國現況還要糟糕。從外表上看，蘇格蘭人無異於純樸的英國佬，喜歡聊聊天氣，想不到一旦沾上威士忌，立刻變成頭上長角凶神惡煞的魔鬼。哎喲，我覺得自己說話太過偏見了。

        也許身為蘇格蘭人，你遲早要被尼斯湖水怪吃掉。儘管純屬子虛烏有，但犯不上跟當地人矯情，反正那裡已開闢成主要的旅遊景點……總而言之，科學家們試圖對吃人妖怪做出合理解釋，這麼做本來就毫無意義。迄今為止，最佳證據還是上百年前某位意大利科學家前來尼斯湖所收羅的天書般繪畫和神話故事，難得被人破解。哎！也許生為蘇格蘭人本該似是而非，我覺得今天這位當地導遊恰好這樣。

        也許這就是蘇格蘭人，看不清摸不准，被尼斯湖怪獸吃得神魂顛倒，正因如此，你們老是全副武裝，私藏槍支彈藥，不惜囚居於中世紀城堡，在自家莊園裡種植土豆飼養奶牛，這也是為什麼你吃牛肉，渾身散發出牛肉的氣味。更重要的是，你喝全天下酒精含量最高的威士忌，而它並非世界上最棒的“生命之水”，倒是蘇格蘭風土人情中獨定少不了固執己見的特質。

        呃，上面說的多半胡編亂造，蘇格蘭人並非如此，除了涉及到威士忌部分……