2016-07-12

【Aiden in English】

        Do the people of Scotland drink whiskey, without an "e"? Well, they do, and it is probably the most popular drink. With a requirement to be fermented for three years, it is a powerful, alcoholic beverage that every Scottish man enjoys. For every second, two percent of an atom evaporates, and for whiskey aged over forty years has a price that nearly might as well be priceless. Perhaps to be the Scottish, you must be old enough to drink and sip whiskey every dinner with your beef and potatoes. Oh, maybe you have to eat beef and potatoes. It's a very United Kingdom-ish dish. Maybe you have to be so stuffed with potatoes and roasted cow that cannibals can taste them after you die. "Wow, this human tastes like ... roast beef and potatoes. How odd!" 

        Or, even, you have to live in a medieval castle. The Inveraray Castle is a great example, housing families of Dukes and Duchesses for decades. Featuring fantastic interior design, the castle showcases detailed paintings of the members of world-renowned leaders and local rulers in its beautiful halls. Beware, don't let the pretty face of the house fool you; the center contains an armory, decorated with spears, rifles, blunderbusses, 10-in knives, axes, swords of all kinds, ammunition, chest-plates, chain mail leggings, chain saddles, war maces, and basically every pre-Industrial Revolution lethal item that could be welded in a hand. I'm not sure about history now. There could've been a chance that the Vikings were Scottish. To be honest, I wouldn't know, because I'm not Scottish. Maybe the Scottish people have to walk around holding weapons. That makes it even more dangerous than the US these days. Perhaps on the outside, they are plain English folks talking about the weather. But when the whiskey is served, they transform into savage monsters that wear helmets with two horns. Oops, I guess the stereotype is too strong. 

        Maybe, to be Scottish, you have to be eaten by the Loch Ness monster. Not that it's real, but don't tell the people at Loch Ness, it's the main tourist attraction... Anyway, groups of scientists have tried to theorize the legends of a man-eating monster, which just off of the description doesn't seem to gain any credit. So far, the best piece of evidence other than century-old drawings and myths are seismic readings in the area when some Italian scientists came to the lake. Not a lot to work off of. Oh! Maybe to be Scottish, you have to be vague at times. That's how I felt with our very Scottish tour guide today. 

        So perhaps this is how to be Scottish. You're vague, but mysterious, and have been eaten by the Loch Ness monster, which is why you carry around a dangerous weapon to defend yourself all the time. You, to store all your guns, live in a medieval castle, and have your own farm that grows potatoes and has cows, which is why you always eat and taste like roast beef. And most of all, you drink the greatest alcoholic beverage in the world, whiskey, which really isn't the best Water of Life in the world. It's just that to be Scottish, you have to be stubborn. 

        Wow, that was a load of baloney and stereotypes. That is not how to be Scottish, except for the whiskey part...

【红霞译文】

        苏格兰人所喝的威士忌名称中没有非同寻常的字母“e”吗？是的，他们可能把威士忌封为最受欢迎的饮料。威士忌需要发酵三年，烈性醇香，深得苏格兰男人青睐。发酵过程中，每秒钟就有百分之二的原子蒸发，年过四十载的老窖价格狂飚，几乎赛过无价之宝。不过即使身为苏格兰人，必须长到一定的岁数才能就着土豆烧牛肉喝口威士忌咂巴一下滋味。哦，或许你不得不拿土豆牛肉当下酒菜，这可是正宗的英国料理；或许你一年到头不是吃土豆烧牛肉，就是吃牛肉炖土豆，以致百年之后，连食肉族动物都不无感触：“哇塞，这家伙吃起来怎么一股土豆烧牛肉的味道，多邪乎！”

        要不然你必须住在中世纪城堡里，因弗拉雷城堡即为最好的实例，过去几十年来公爵和公爵夫人一家长期在这里生活。城堡室内装潢富丽堂皇，气派的大厅依次陈列家族成员巨幅画像，其中不乏有世界知名的领导人物以及掌管实权的地方阔佬。务必留心，千万不要被精美的画面所蒙蔽，大厅中央设有军械库，里面摆满了长矛、步枪、散弹枪、10英寸匕首、斧子、各种宝剑、弹药、护胸、链甲护腿、铁皮马鞍、狼牙棒，大工业革命前焊接打制的致命器械基本上应有尽有。现在我愈发对历史满目迷惘，莫非北欧海盗真是苏格兰人，坦率地说，我自己确实搞不懂到底怎么回事，毕竟咱不是苏格兰后裔，没准他们出门随身带枪，岂不比当今美国现况还要糟糕。从外表上看，苏格兰人无异于纯朴的英国佬，喜欢聊聊天气，想不到一旦沾上威士忌，立刻变成头上长角凶神恶煞的魔鬼。哎哟，我觉得自己说话太过偏见了。

        也许身为苏格兰人，你迟早要被尼斯湖水怪吃掉。尽管纯属子虚乌有，但犯不上跟当地人矫情，反正那里已开辟成主要的旅游景点……总而言之，科学家们试图对吃人妖怪做出合理解释，这么做本来就毫无意义。迄今为止，最佳证据还是上百年前某位意大利科学家前来尼斯湖所收罗的天书般绘画和神话故事，难得被人破解。哎！也许生为苏格兰人本该似是而非，我觉得今天这位当地导游恰好这样。

        也许这就是苏格兰人，看不清摸不准，被尼斯湖怪兽吃得神魂颠倒，正因如此，你们老是全副武装，私藏枪支弹药，不惜囚居于中世纪城堡，在自家庄园里种植土豆饲养奶牛，这也是为什么你吃牛肉，浑身散发出牛肉的气味。更重要的是，你喝全天下酒精含量最高的威士忌，而它并非世界上最棒的“生命之水”，倒是苏格兰风土人情中独定少不了固执己见的特质。

        呃，上面说的多半胡编乱造，苏格兰人并非如此，除了涉及到威士忌部分……