一。

One zen student said, “My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating.”

The second said, “My teacher has so much self-control, he can go days without sleep.”

The third said, “My teacher is so wise that he eats when he’s hungry and sleeps when he’s tired.”

二。

A monk on his journey home came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier.

Just as he was about to give up his journey, he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The monk yells over to the teacher. "Oh master, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river?" 

The teacher ponders for a moment, looks up and down the river and yells back. "You already are on the other side." 

三。

Three studious zen practitioners decided to take a vow of silence for 10 years and concentrate on their zazen. After three years one of them said: "It's so groovy that we've taken this vow of silence!" The next one exclaimed: "Oooohhh, you broke your vow of silence!!!" The third said: "I'm glad I didn't say anything!"

四。

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, “We missed the ‘R’! We missed the ‘R’!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was… CELEBRATE !!!”

（引者提示：celibate）

五。

Exchange between the Zen master and his student:

Student: What happens after death?

Master: I don’t know.

Student: How can you not know? You are a Zen master.

Master: Yes, but I’m not a dead one.

六。

Three Buddhist monks decided to practise meditation together. They sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, “I forgot my mat.” He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, “I forgot to put my underwear out to dry.” He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way.

The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. “Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform,” he declared loudly and rushed to the water’s edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the monk climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, “Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?”

七。

An aspiring monk wanted to find a Guru. He went to a monastery and his preceptor told him: “You can stay here but we have one important rule – all students observe the vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak to me once every 12 years”.

After practicing silence and meditation for 12 long years, finally the student could say his one thing, and : “The bed is too hard.”

After another 12 years of hard silent meditation, he had the opportunity to speak again. He said: “The food is not good.”

Twelve more years of hard work passed. His words after 36 years of practice: “I quit.”

His Guru quickly answered: “Good, all you have been doing is complaining.”

八。

A Buddhist phones the monastery and asks the monk “Can you come to do a blessing for my new house?”

The monk replies “Sorry, I’m busy.”

“What are you doing? Can I help?”

“I’m doing nothing”, replied the monk, “Doing nothing is a monk’s core business and you can’t help me with that.”

So the next day the Buddhist phones again, “Can you please come to my house for a blessing?”

“Sorry,” said the monk, “I’m busy.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m doing nothing,” replied the monk.

“But that was what you were doing yesterday!”, said the Buddhist.

“Correct”, replied the monk, “I’m not finished yet!”

九。

Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

十。

“I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.” - Gautama Buddha（釋迦牟尼）

（轉錄）