Email from Jetblue advertising reduced rates on flights, and the roundtrip fare from Portland to Las Vegas was outstandingly low. "That could be fun," I thought. Oh, how wrong I was.

　　捷藍航空發來的廣告郵件里說機票有折扣，從波特蘭到拉斯維加斯的往返機票價格已經低到了極致。“去那裡玩玩應該很有意思吧，” 我想。然而事實證明，我錯了。

　　After spending a week in Las Vegas, I can say without a doubt that I'd rather rub fiberglass in my eyes than set foot on the strip again. There are several reasons for this.

　　在拉斯維加斯待了一周之後，我想說我真是瞎了眼才會到這種地方來旅遊。下面我就來說說原因。

　　1. Everything in Las Vegas is Fake

　　拉斯維加斯的一切都是假的

　　Vegas is structured like a theme park, if the theme was "disgusting." It's like walking around Disneyland, only all the wholesome, beloved Disney mascots have been transformed into drunk sluts and bros drenched in Axe body spray.

　　拉斯維加斯的結構就好像一個主題公園，而這個主題是“噁心”。在這裡就好像走在迪斯尼樂園裡，只不過迪斯尼那些可愛的玩偶都變成了混合着濃濃香水味的醉鬼們。

　　All the big casinos and attractions areconsolidated to one stretch of land, and after a mile or two it just ends. One afternoon I walked all the way down Las Vegas Boulevard, and after a few miles I found myself smack dab in the middle of nothing. A tumbleweed rolled by my feet and I was reminded that I was in the middle of the desert. Behind me, the strip shimmered like an oasis, except it's the opposite of an oasis, where instead of water and camels they have Jose Cuervo and staph infections.

　　所有大型的賭場和景點都被聚集在一塊地方，走不到一兩英里就到了盡頭。一天下午我沿着拉斯維加斯大道走着，還沒走幾英里就發現四周已經一片荒蕪。一叢風滾草擦過我的腳邊，提醒我已經置身於沙漠之中。在我身後一片光芒閃過，仿佛是綠洲。而和綠洲不同的是，這裡沒有水和駱駝，取而代之的是金快活龍舌蘭和葡萄球菌傳染病。

　　2. Vegas is Geographically Confusing

　　拉斯維加斯讓人找不着北

　　The strip is crowded, and I have a shitty sense of direction as it is. There are dozens of pedestrian walkways and overpasses, so it was impossible for me to walk down the strip without getting lost. To make matters worse, many of the large casinos are connected by meandering strip malls full of expensive boutiques, like some glitzy Underground Railroad.

　　這是一個擁擠的城市，而且我的方向感也不好。這裡有許多人行通道和過街天橋，所以我想要不迷路地走遍全城是不可能的。更糟糕的是，很多大型賭場之間都曲折分布着零售商店，而且價格不菲，看起來好像讓人眼花繚亂的地鐵。

　　I lose my way so easily and it's always frustrating. I remember watching Labyrinth as a kid, and even that experience was mildly exhausting for me. I just wanted Jennifer Connelly to find her goddamned way and save me the two hours of dancing puppets. Las Vegas was a pretty similar experience.

　　我總是很容易就迷路，這的確讓人抓狂。這讓我想起小時候看的電影《魔幻迷宮》，光是看着就已經讓我筋疲力盡了。我只是希望珍妮佛-康納利能找到她那條該死的路來拯救我這兩個小時的提心弔膽。而在拉斯維加斯的迷路經歷正是如此。

　　3. Everyone is Trying to Sell You Something

　　所有人都試圖向你兜售點什麼

　　If you somehow manage to keep your bearings while maneuvering the strip, you'll still be harassed by a constant barrage of salesmen, amateur musicians, and "entrepreneurs." Dudes are trying to sell you club passes or mixtapes they burned on their laptops, or handing out cards advertising hookers social companions at discounted rates.

　　如果你想逛街又想捂住荷包，那麼街頭一個接一個出現的小販、業餘演奏家和“商人們”會讓你不堪其擾。他們會向你推銷俱樂部門票、自製音樂合輯，或者派發印有廉價色情服務廣告的卡片。

　　The folks handing out the ho trading cards are by far the worst distraction in Vegas, because there seem to be hundreds of them. They abjectly flap these cards in your face featuring ladies who will apparently show up to your hotel room for a nominal fee and entertain you. With trashy names and stars arbitrarily covering up their naughty bits, they glare forth like super sexy Pokemon. Take your pick.

　　那些派發色情服務廣告小卡片的傢伙是拉斯維加斯最讓人討厭的，因為他們的隊伍看上去有好幾百人。他們會把那些小卡片扔到你的臉上，卡片上印着那種會出現在你酒店房間，收取費用然後提供特殊服務的女郎形象。她們用一些大眾化的名字，干着齷齪的勾當，像小丑一樣搔首弄姿，等待着你來挑選。

　　Ironically, the dudes selling their homemade rap albums on CDR's mostly ignored me, figuring I wouldn't be interested. Joke's on them, because if there's one thing I would have shelled out cash for it's poorly recorded homebrew hip hop.

　　諷刺的是，那些賣自製說唱樂CD的傢伙幾乎都無視我的存在，好像他們認定我對這個沒有興趣。可事實上如果還有什麼能讓我掏錢來買的話，應該就是這些簡陋的自製嘻哈音樂CD了。

　　4. Everything Being Sold is Outrageously Expensive

　　所有東西都貴的離譜

　　I wouldn't be suckered into $45 club passes or crazy-hot, totally disease-free hookers, but I wasn't able to starve myself for a week in protest of exorbitant food costs. After a few days of eighteen dollar spicy tuna rolls and $24 scrambled eggs, I decided to try my luck at my hotel's buffet. I figured I'd have a more satisfying meal when more options were present, but after a twenty dollar entrance fee I was met with stale bagels and cold pancakes.

　　那些45美元的俱樂部門票和火辣健康的應召女郎對我毫無吸引力，但我卻不能因為飯菜貴的離譜就讓自己活活餓一個星期。吃了幾天18美元的香辣吞拿魚卷和24美元的炒雞蛋，我決定去酒店的自助餐廳試試運氣。我想那裡既然有更多選擇，我的胃口應該會更加滿足。然而花了20美元，我只吃到了不新鮮的百吉餅和已經冷掉的薄煎餅。

　　I normally take umbrage with buffets and I should've trusted my gut this time and steered clear. I'm a man of few convictions, but buffets just seem crass to me when people are starving in other countries. I think about it this way: if Americans learned there was a country somewhere where people paid a modest fee to browse through a buffet of Apple products, we'd all lose our shit over the profound injustice.

　　通常來講我對自助餐都不怎麼感冒。這一次我本不該相信自己的胃口。我一般很少隨便下定論，但當你在別的國家挨餓的時候，自助餐看上去似乎是個好的選擇。我是這樣想的：如果美國人發現有這麼一個國家，人們花很少的錢就可以隨意挑選蘋果的電子產品，這是多麼的不公平啊。

　　I finished my old crusty bagel on principle, because I care about Africa.

　　我還是很守規矩地吃完了那個不新鮮而且硬邦邦的百吉餅，因為我關心非洲人民的疾苦。

　　5. Las Vegas is an Awful Representation of America

　　拉斯維加斯是美國糟糕的象徵

　　...or perhaps it's the purest representation of America. It depends on who you talk to. I prefer to have faith in the American Dream™, and pray that Vegas isn't it. Wandering around the strip, it struck me how many different languages I was hearing. I'm not one to criticize someone else's choice in vacation destination, but if you come to the US and Las Vegas is the one place you visit, I'm concerned about what impression you'll take away about America.

　　或者，也許可以說拉斯維加斯是美國最純粹的象徵。這取決於你會跟誰聊天。我更願意相信美國夢的存在，並且祈禱拉斯維加斯不屬於這個夢。在這裡隨處逛逛，你會聽到許多不同的語言。我不願意對他人選擇的度假地做出批評，但如果你來了美國，而且拉斯維加斯是你的目的地之一，我很擔心它會讓你對美國留下什麼樣的印象。