Going on vacation?
By DAVE BARRY

SUMMER vacation season is almost here。

No, sorry. I mean it's time to start planning your family summer vacation. This is your chance to escape "the daily grind" and spend quality time with your children, finding out what's new in their lives, what's on their minds, whether they have been arrested, etc. At night, after they fall asleep, you can check them for tattoos.

But where should you go for your vacation this year? According to the Association of Travel Agents Currently Starving to Death, the two most popular vacation destinations for Americans have historically been: (1) domestic, and (2) foreign. Which is right for you? This year, many Americans are worried about traveling abroad, but the fact is that, statistically, your chances of surviving a foreign vacation are well over 50 percent, as long as you follow the U.S. State Department's Travel Guidelines for U.S. Citizens:

Avoid risky areas such as Asia, Europe, South America, Africa, Canada and Mexico.

Do not touch anything.

Do not breathe too much.

Do not draw attention to the fact that you are American. Periodically remark in a loud voice: "Our English is excellent, when you consider the fact that we are not Americans!"

Try to "blend in" with the native population by: (1) weighing as little as possible; (2) smoking cigarettes; (3) not tipping; (4) not standing around frowning in total bafflement at street maps the size of tennis courts; (5) not asking the tour guide questions like: "Does this museum have a bigger Mona Lisa?"

So maybe this would be a good year to take your family vacation right here in the United States. The most popular type of domestic vacation, of course, is the tremendously long car trip to a place that your children will find hideously boring because none of their friends are there.

Along the way, the whole family can enjoy the natural beauty and infinite variety of the Interstate highway system ("Look, kids! This exit has McDonald's and Wendy's!").

If you don't want to drive to your destination, you can take a plane. The good news here is that plane travel is cheaper than ever. The bad news is that, because of the low fares, the airlines are all losing money and have been forced to "cut corners:"

United Airlines, in an effort to reduce fuel costs on its New York-to-California flights, is actually flying passengers only as far as Pittsburgh, which United points out is "less than four days from Los Angeles by taxi."

Delta Airlines flight attendants now pass through the aisles during flights requesting "voluntary donations" from passengers "so we can turn the engines back on."

American Airlines has laid off its higher-paid veteran pilots, although the airline insists that all of the replacement pilots are, to use the airline's term, "human."

So, OK, maybe you shouldn't go anywhere for your vacation this year. Maybe you should just stay home, you and your kids, "hanging out," hour after quality hour. It'll be tons of fun! Until they escape.