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諸詩友翻譯王維的《渭城曲》佳作小輯(6首)
送交者: 曹雪葵 2015年12月02日02:43:07 於 [詩詞歌賦] 發送悄悄話

 


 

《送元二使安西》唐 王維
渭城朝雨浥輕塵,客舍青青柳色新。勸君更盡一杯酒,西出陽關無故人。

 
諸詩友英文譯作集錦如下,排名不分前後,序列號純為統計之用。“---”後文字為雪葵賞析:


譯作一(豌博)

Masterpiece Poetry by Tang Dynasty River East Hometown Poet Wang Wei:
"Poem of the Sunny Gate: Seeing Friend Yuaner Off for Mission in the Western Frontier"

A spurt of morning rain has refreshed Xianyang city air as moist and clean, 
willow trees are washed anew and even render guest houses looking green. 
Please you really must empty this extra farewell toast of wine my friend,
once west out of that remote Sunny Gate you will miss home folks like an alien.

--- 豌博這首譯得非常精彩!還是得讚嘆每句字數大約一致,句尾押AABA韻,與原始的節奏和諧。全篇頗多妙譯。如:

不知道spurt究竟是啥樣子,但感覺這 a spurt of morning rain 很符合“浥輕塵”的效果,就跟灑水似的,恰好塵土沒了就停。好!

關於諸詩友對“故人”二字的理解和翻譯,俺個見以為:“故人”是“以前常在一起的朋友”,他的關係比“泛泛認識”要深,是在工作或生活中有過交往的人。至於 folks,somebody close, old-faces 和 old friends 這四個字,俺能肯定是“故交”的是 old friends,呵呵。俺英文二把刀,其實三字既然詩友用了,想來必不會差。


譯作二 王維《陽關曲》英譯簡潔版(邊砦)
Morning drizzle at Wei city moistens the dust down
New willows sprout beside the blue tavern town
One more toast to my friend’s farewell proposed best
Beyond this Gate nobody close accompanies to go west

--- 邊砦兄這首簡而不漏。也頗有妙譯。如:用 new willows sprout beside ... 來譯“柳色新”很新穎,好!


譯作三 試翻【陽關曲,送元二使西安】(職老)

陽關曲 SUNNY PASS

Morning rain refreshes dusty of Wei City
willow green makes up motel novelty
there will be no old-faces, my friend
if you drink wine and out-of Pass-Sunny

--- 堅守7字,還有句尾押AABA韻,還是當贊!句式的多變也說明譯者把握E文的筆力。個人趕腳個別字省略得太“厲害”。比如:

Morning rain refreshes (前面是動詞,應後接名詞) dusty (但這dusty是形容詞。另外就算refresh dust 也不大配套)of Wei City


譯作四 農民版,中詩英譯《渭城曲 送元二使安西》(火風鼎)

Farewell to Yuan Er for his mission to Anxi
By Wang Wei, Tang Dynasty; Translated by Huofengding

The morning rain at Weicheng has dampened the light dust in the air,
The green willows around the guest house have new clothes to wear.
Raise and finish please, monsignor, another glass of wine,
To the west of Yangguan Pass, with no more old friends you can dine!

Notes:

1.Weicheng was the Tang Dynasty name for Xianyang, a city set up during Qin Dynasty, now under the jurisdiction of Xi’an Municipality.

2.Yangguan , the ancient name for a pass. Now it is located to the southwest of Dunhuang city, Gansu Province.

3.Anxi was the name for an area both for military and administrative purposes which had four big Townships at Tang Dynasty

--- 火兄這首亦佳!全篇構思和吟誦節奏都看出留心之處。第二句:

The green willows around the guest house have new clothes to wear.

採取了擬人的手法,“綠柳穿上新衣”,雖頗覺新穎,但“形象思維”是新詩的筆法,古典詩詞裡極少使用。當然將古典詩詞譯成E文詩時能否用?這個屬於討論範疇。給讀者的感覺 wear 是為了遷就 air 這個韻腳而使用的。

最後兩行“勸君更盡一杯酒,西出陽關無故人”的譯文則流暢自然,耐得住吟誦!


譯作五 英譯《渭城曲》(vrchip)
渭城曲 The Song of Wei Town

Wei Town is dusted by morning rain
The hostel willow is fresh and sadly green
Yet another toast thou must take
West of Yang Pass there are no more friends

--- chip兄這首譯作洗鍊生動,頗有妙譯:

Wei Town is dusted by morning rain (渭城朝雨浥輕塵)
--- 這句精彩,用dusted這個字,簡潔而達意,

The hostel willow is fresh and sadly green (客舍青青柳色新)
--- sadly 用得好,襯托出送朋友遠行的心情,把柳擬人化了。


譯作六 王維的《渭城曲》(七分兒)

Early showers at Wei Town holds the dust down,
Sprouting willows surround the inn’s frames.
And herald my friend’s  leaving,
Truly, I hope that it’s not our last evening!

 

 

 

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