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诸诗友翻译王维的《渭城曲》佳作小辑(6首)
送交者: 曹雪葵 2015年12月02日02:43:07 于 [诗词歌赋] 发送悄悄话

 


 

《送元二使安西》唐 王维
渭城朝雨浥轻尘,客舍青青柳色新。劝君更尽一杯酒,西出阳关无故人。

 
诸诗友英文译作集锦如下,排名不分前后,序列号纯为统计之用。“---”后文字为雪葵赏析:


译作一(豌博)

Masterpiece Poetry by Tang Dynasty River East Hometown Poet Wang Wei:
"Poem of the Sunny Gate: Seeing Friend Yuaner Off for Mission in the Western Frontier"

A spurt of morning rain has refreshed Xianyang city air as moist and clean, 
willow trees are washed anew and even render guest houses looking green. 
Please you really must empty this extra farewell toast of wine my friend,
once west out of that remote Sunny Gate you will miss home folks like an alien.

--- 豌博这首译得非常精彩!还是得赞叹每句字数大约一致,句尾押AABA韵,与原始的节奏和谐。全篇颇多妙译。如:

不知道spurt究竟是啥样子,但感觉这 a spurt of morning rain 很符合“浥轻尘”的效果,就跟洒水似的,恰好尘土没了就停。好!

关于诸诗友对“故人”二字的理解和翻译,俺个见以为:“故人”是“以前常在一起的朋友”,他的关系比“泛泛认识”要深,是在工作或生活中有过交往的人。至于 folks,somebody close, old-faces 和 old friends 这四个字,俺能肯定是“故交”的是 old friends,呵呵。俺英文二把刀,其实三字既然诗友用了,想来必不会差。


译作二 王维《阳关曲》英译简洁版(边砦)
Morning drizzle at Wei city moistens the dust down
New willows sprout beside the blue tavern town
One more toast to my friend’s farewell proposed best
Beyond this Gate nobody close accompanies to go west

--- 边砦兄这首简而不漏。也颇有妙译。如:用 new willows sprout beside ... 来译“柳色新”很新颖,好!


译作三 试翻【阳关曲,送元二使西安】(职老)

阳关曲 SUNNY PASS

Morning rain refreshes dusty of Wei City
willow green makes up motel novelty
there will be no old-faces, my friend
if you drink wine and out-of Pass-Sunny

--- 坚守7字,还有句尾押AABA韵,还是当赞!句式的多变也说明译者把握E文的笔力。个人赶脚个别字省略得太“厉害”。比如:

Morning rain refreshes (前面是动词,应后接名词) dusty (但这dusty是形容词。另外就算refresh dust 也不大配套)of Wei City


译作四 农民版,中诗英译《渭城曲 送元二使安西》(火风鼎)

Farewell to Yuan Er for his mission to Anxi
By Wang Wei, Tang Dynasty; Translated by Huofengding

The morning rain at Weicheng has dampened the light dust in the air,
The green willows around the guest house have new clothes to wear.
Raise and finish please, monsignor, another glass of wine,
To the west of Yangguan Pass, with no more old friends you can dine!

Notes:

1.Weicheng was the Tang Dynasty name for Xianyang, a city set up during Qin Dynasty, now under the jurisdiction of Xi’an Municipality.

2.Yangguan , the ancient name for a pass. Now it is located to the southwest of Dunhuang city, Gansu Province.

3.Anxi was the name for an area both for military and administrative purposes which had four big Townships at Tang Dynasty

--- 火兄这首亦佳!全篇构思和吟诵节奏都看出留心之处。第二句:

The green willows around the guest house have new clothes to wear.

采取了拟人的手法,“绿柳穿上新衣”,虽颇觉新颖,但“形象思维”是新诗的笔法,古典诗词里极少使用。当然将古典诗词译成E文诗时能否用?这个属于讨论范畴。给读者的感觉 wear 是为了迁就 air 这个韵脚而使用的。

最后两行“劝君更尽一杯酒,西出阳关无故人”的译文则流畅自然,耐得住吟诵!


译作五 英译《渭城曲》(vrchip)
渭城曲 The Song of Wei Town

Wei Town is dusted by morning rain
The hostel willow is fresh and sadly green
Yet another toast thou must take
West of Yang Pass there are no more friends

--- chip兄这首译作洗练生动,颇有妙译:

Wei Town is dusted by morning rain (渭城朝雨浥轻尘)
--- 这句精彩,用dusted这个字,简洁而达意,

The hostel willow is fresh and sadly green (客舍青青柳色新)
--- sadly 用得好,衬托出送朋友远行的心情,把柳拟人化了。


译作六 王维的《渭城曲》(七分儿)

Early showers at Wei Town holds the dust down,
Sprouting willows surround the inn’s frames.
And herald my friend’s  leaving,
Truly, I hope that it’s not our last evening!

 

 

 

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