耶穌基督在人際之間糾紛的教導，首先重於自省："Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you ...go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift."

那麼當我們自省以後，發現自己不虧欠人的時候呢？還是要有饒恕的心。"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." 這心中的饒恕，是沒有設任何先決條件的。

這是因為在“給人”饒恕之前，心裡已經需要饒恕的意願了。這饒恕的意願是主動的，不是被動的。（before you give people your forgiveness, you need to be willing to forgive -- and that is proactive.）因為饒恕不只是給人的，更是給自己的。不願饒恕的人（willingness to forgive），只會心中生出惱恨，並且漸漸積累成為苦毒。毫無饒恕的心，只等着別人給自己道歉的人，說什麼愛仇敵那都是奢談妄想。

那是不是有了饒恕的心（willingness to forgive），就一定要跑去“饒恕”人家呢？也不一定。有的時候，口中說出來的饒恕並不是真饒恕，而只是一種姿態。有一個 guiding principle 在這裡："Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

例如，保羅對待哥林多教會的某罪人是這樣的："Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow." 此人很有可能就是哥林多前書娶自己繼母的人，當時保羅甚至告訴哥林多人 "expel the wicked person from among you"。可見當他 withhold forgiveness 的時候，但其目的是愛和建造，而不是 condemnation。換句話說，不以愛為藉口縱容人的罪，也不以公義為藉口虧缺該有的恩慈。

同樣，耶穌也談到過在對方對自己犯罪情形下的 “rebuke”，但這裡他仍以自省為先："Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come... So watch yourselves." 然後才是別人對自己犯罪，"If your brother sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them." 可見祂的目的同樣是愛和建造，而不是 condemnation。

類似的情形，彼得也問過一次："Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me?" 耶穌的回答是 "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times"。如果我們從這裡讀到的是“不要亂施憐憫”而不是“在愛中多施恩典”，我們就完全 miss the boat 了。

我上面為什麼會提這麼多次“自省”呢？就是因為我前面說到的：我看到的、經歷過的，教會、家庭和工作上的糾紛，其實大部分雙方都有或大或小、或輕或重的責任。……如果某某跟別人的糾紛全是別人的不對，可能他/她已經到了該好好反省的地步了。但如果我們把犯罪 generalize 到對方一切的冒犯和我們看不順眼的地方，而且拒絕看到自己也同樣在犯罪，需要請求對方的饒恕，這就可怕了。

耶穌說：“Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.”

耶穌自己的榜樣是這樣的："Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."