耶稣基督在人际之间纠纷的教导，首先重于自省："Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you ...go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift."

那么当我们自省以后，发现自己不亏欠人的时候呢？还是要有饶恕的心。"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." 这心中的饶恕，是没有设任何先决条件的。

这是因为在“给人”饶恕之前，心里已经需要饶恕的意愿了。这饶恕的意愿是主动的，不是被动的。（before you give people your forgiveness, you need to be willing to forgive -- and that is proactive.）因为饶恕不只是给人的，更是给自己的。不愿饶恕的人（willingness to forgive），只会心中生出恼恨，并且渐渐积累成为苦毒。毫无饶恕的心，只等着别人给自己道歉的人，说什么爱仇敌那都是奢谈妄想。

那是不是有了饶恕的心（willingness to forgive），就一定要跑去“饶恕”人家呢？也不一定。有的时候，口中说出来的饶恕并不是真饶恕，而只是一种姿态。有一个 guiding principle 在这里："Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

例如，保罗对待哥林多教会的某罪人是这样的："Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow." 此人很有可能就是哥林多前书娶自己继母的人，当时保罗甚至告诉哥林多人 "expel the wicked person from among you"。可见当他 withhold forgiveness 的时候，但其目的是爱和建造，而不是 condemnation。换句话说，不以爱为借口纵容人的罪，也不以公义为借口亏缺该有的恩慈。

同样，耶稣也谈到过在对方对自己犯罪情形下的 “rebuke”，但这里他仍以自省为先："Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come... So watch yourselves." 然后才是别人对自己犯罪，"If your brother sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them." 可见祂的目的同样是爱和建造，而不是 condemnation。

类似的情形，彼得也问过一次："Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me?" 耶稣的回答是 "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times"。如果我们从这里读到的是“不要乱施怜悯”而不是“在爱中多施恩典”，我们就完全 miss the boat 了。

我上面为什么会提这么多次“自省”呢？就是因为我前面说到的：我看到的、经历过的，教会、家庭和工作上的纠纷，其实大部分双方都有或大或小、或轻或重的责任。……如果某某跟别人的纠纷全是别人的不对，可能他/她已经到了该好好反省的地步了。但如果我们把犯罪 generalize 到对方一切的冒犯和我们看不顺眼的地方，而且拒绝看到自己也同样在犯罪，需要请求对方的饶恕，这就可怕了。

耶稣说：“Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.”

耶稣自己的榜样是这样的："Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."