剛讀完一本回憶錄，《The Longest Trip Home》，作者John Grogan。 

John出生於1957年的底特律，母親操持家務，父親是汽車廠工程師，父母親都是虔誠的天主教徒。John生性頑皮，不受管束，還愛撒謊，7歲時第一次對神父懺悔就撒了謊：他不願意當眾承認偷看隔壁太太日光浴，就編造了一些他認為“可恕”的行徑：“我跟哥哥們打過12次架，6次不聽父母話，2次撒謊說作業做完了，偷過一個收音機，扔湖裡了，看過67還是68次裸體畫報，跟父母撒謊10次，偷看姐姐日記3次。。。”，這麼多sin，神父是不是有超額完成工作的感覺？ 

儘管長期薰陶在宗教教育之下，John還是不能接受天主教，這也是他與父母之間最大的分歧，和所有這個年齡的孩子一樣，他對父母愛着，煩着，抗拒着。他和一幫朋友廝混，抽煙喝酒吸大麻，毀壞老人的房子。。。着實讓父母失望，焦慮。高中畢業他去別處上大學，擺脫了父母的呵護與管束，尋求獨立自主的新生活。戀愛結婚，添丁進口，工作順暢，Life seemed about as good as life could get。 

可是，一個家庭揚帆啟航時，另外一個家庭正在到達終點。父母漸漸老去，母親髖骨和背部受損導致失憶，心臟病、糖尿病、關節炎、老年痴呆症纏身。父親是母親的全職保姆，而他自己也患有心臟病，剛擺脫了前列腺癌。父親一直堅持自己割草打理院子掃積雪，爬梯子上房清理排水槽，還和年輕時一樣，他從來不閒着，他依然生龍活虎。 

直到有一天，父親打電話過來，告知他患了血癌。John這才猛然醒悟，父親已經86歲，家，這個唯一能無條件接納他包容他的地方，已經搖搖欲墜。遊子終於踏上了回家的路，去重溫時日不多的父子親情。

As I walked in from the garage to the laundry room, I plucked from the recesses of my memory one of the corny family expressions I had grown up hearing whenever a close friend or relative arrived.“ Hey, hey,”, I called out. “Look what the dog dragged in!” 

“Ruth! He’s home!” I heard my father’s voice from the next room. After a long moment, longer than I had expected, he came around the corner, and I sucked in my breath. I barely recognized him. Dressed in pajamas and a robe, he leaned heavily on a cane as he shuffled gingerly toward me, his slippered feet not lifting off the linoleum. My always ramrod-straight, speed-walking, up-with –the–sun father was stooped over as he inched forward in a manner that can only be described as doddering. What was most shocking, though, was his face. It was as round and puffy as a beach ball, his skin stretched tight as if ready to pop. He had told me that daily steroid treatments has caused him to retain fluids and swell, but I wasn’t expecting this. I noticed his wrists and hands were just as swollen. 

“John! You’re home!” he said jovially but in a voice weaker than I has known. I took his hand in both of mine and gave it the vigorous Grogan shake. 

“Well, I’m not much to look at right now,” he said, “But I’m getting along. Come on in and say hello to your mother.” 

I followed behind him as he inched his way into the living roo., where she sat in front of the window, her own cane across her knees. “Look who’s here, Ruthie,” he announced. 

“Hi, Mom,” I said, dropping to one knee in front of her so we could be eye to eye, “It’s John.”

。。。。

化療摧毀了父親的免疫系統，感染上肺炎，醫院已經無計可施。父親的生命已經走到了盡頭，最讓他放心不下的是他的老妻，He was the knight guarding the queen’s castle, and now the invaders had robbed him of his sword and shield. 他安排兒子給母親聯繫好養老院，囑咐孩子們他走了之後家不能散，兄弟姐妹之間要關照，一如既往。 

那天早晨，父親的血氧暴跌，他竭盡全力地呼吸，血氧容量都無法打達到最低標準，只能靠呼吸機維持生命了。父親明白，是神在召喚他，他要遵從神的旨意。他抱歉地對兒子說：“I’m tired. I. Don’t. Want. To. Fight. This. Anymore”，each word coming out like its own sentence.  

和醫生約好時間，就像約牙醫一樣簡單地，他們約好了下午2：30，父親死亡的時間。

 

“you don’t need to fight anymore, Dad, You gave it everything you had. You are so brave. You can stop. You can just relax now.”  

“Dad,”I said, my voice quaking. “Jesus is going to take you home today. In just a little while, he’s going to take you.”Dad moved his head up and down in short, jerky motions, and I knew he understood.

父親躺着，身體舒展開，那麼平靜，那麼安詳。孩子們圍在身邊，目送這位曾經是son, brother, husband, father, grandfather. Engineer，mathematician, var veteran, scout leader, volunteer. Stamp collector, gardener, sailor, classical music buff. Faithful Catholic的人的生命慢慢消失，像一曲華美的樂曲的尾聲一樣，漸漸地飄散，飄散。

OH MY。。。。

當然，死亡只是書中很小一部分內容，多的是對家庭生活趣事的回憶。

說起來他們的日子雖不十分優越，但也足夠豐衣足食，4個孩子都上價格不菲的教會學校。可是父母過日子都很節儉，他們的節儉那麼自然而然，說是美德不如說是生活習慣： 

母親把餐巾紙1裁2；茶包泡了一杯茶，晾乾後明天還能再泡一杯； 

在家裡洗衣房裡常住着一根棍子，一頭叫喬治，一頭叫蘇希，分別用來棒打男、女孩的屁股。孩子們在公眾場合不聽話，母親不好意思大聲斥責，就會很委婉地問：would you like to meet my friend Gorge?　儘管母親從來不下重手，但一聽到喬治和蘇希的名字他們就會立刻乖下來。 

父親最善於廢物利用，1物N用。孩子們的衣物箱都是用大啤酒箱改裝的；廚房的紙巾他先擦碗碟再擦地板上的污點最後還能擦汽車機油；壞了的電器決不扔掉，存放在地下室以備將來某個零件的“器官移植”之需；每次洗完車，都能聽到父親喊：肥皂水，泡泡水，我這裡還有一大桶肥皂泡泡水，有人要用嗎？從來沒人答應可是他每次照喊；院子裡的活兒從來不請工人，這是一周一次的親子活動：父親割草，大哥修邊，二哥和John撿樹枝、耙樹葉碎草，“We all loved being out there with him。” 

John的未婚妻不是天主教徒，加上婚前兩人就同居，父母對這個準兒媳不看好，有些小瞧她，認為她配不上他們的兒子。當然，西方的公婆不會上演孔雀東南飛，頂多也就是提出寶貴意見僅供參考。結婚當天早晨，母親給兒子做了一個三明治，裡面夾着香腸肉和大塊的洋蔥。洋蔥味道很沖，單是看幾眼就能刺得人流淚，吃了這種味道怎麼能去親吻新娘？“Why not? You love liverwurst and onion.”。婚禮上隔着4尺遠的伴郎都能聞到熏人的洋蔥味----母親以此小伎倆最後一次示威，讓人哭笑不得。 

一直很喜歡讀自傳回憶錄這樣題材的作品，沒有虛構的高潮迭起，薄薄一本書裡貫穿了一個人的一生，有始有終。人生有千百種滋味，品嘗到最後，也許在大多數人心裡，就只剩下對死去親人的懷念，以及對最終將要到來的死亡的恐懼。對於生命中這些無能無力的生生死死，聚散離合，也許，真該有個信仰？