超速罰單1-4部分

我在鼓勵你超速？錯！你只要聽了我的建議，就能保證永遠不會吃罰單？又錯！但是如果你聽我話，肯定會少吃很多罰單。

我是針對大多數人來談的，每天開車的人都假設“55英里時速限制的地方（93公里/小時）你可以開65英里/小時。”，或者說“只要我隨大流，我就沒事兒。”只要我們心存感激，就沒人會嚴格執行限速。

我將分四個部分來談，但是首先對於那些腳上灌了鉛的狂熱的超車一族，那些在車流中舞出舞進，猛踩油門不松腳，直到聽到玻璃聲聞到焦糊的味道的????，我想說：我希望你們撞到樹上，都????慢慢地，孤獨地去死吧。

I. 如何不因超速被抓
A)嗯，答案很簡單，別他媽地超速。幾乎所有的州限速都是65英里/小時，實在沒有????必要超速。你丫可以很輕鬆地以70英里/小時的速度逛盪，沒有一個現場的警察會來找你麻煩。上班要遲到了？ 早點出門啊。趕着打佯前去商店？ 早點走啊。想準時去看父母？想想如果超速被罰，你會在拘留所里浪費多少時間？想想你那塗了牛油的腚眼會如何被以群喝醉了的摩托車手們進進出出吧。一句話，別????超速。超速實在是????太蠢了。從居民區駕車穿過，那些流着口水的小孩子從每一輛停着的車後跳出來追趕他們的紅色皮球。我開了十年的車，可我還是遵守着規則。 人們生活，工作，上學，玩耍的地方，都對開快車的司機提出了限制。你達到光速而節省下來的兩三分鐘，相比開車碾過流口水的小強尼而被罰蹲監獄的時間來說，真是微不足道。不管是誰，如果你實在無法多等一下遲到兩三分鐘，那麼。。。那麼我????大爺！

B)雷達測速器？沒用。垃圾。就是一個電子的小玩物，設計出來就是為了讓你誤以為自己有了某種保障。有了這玩意兒，我被抓的次數更多了。對於初學開車的人，讓我給你介紹一下即時的或者脈衝的雷達，激光的。 它們唯一的用處，就是使你發現警察的測速儀器的時候，友善的警察早就開始寫罰單了。

記住，你的眼睛，那才是他媽最好的測速器。

C)對道路的選擇。簡單啊，左道危險，中間道安全，右道也不安全。（有地方沒有中間道，那麼右道是最安全的。）路邊操縱雷達的警察總是先抓左道的，除此之外，中間道開的車也被認為是速度更合理的車道，請參閱上面的規則A）

第二部分。“在萬一被抓到超速的時候如何作出反應？” 我跟你說，條子們不是傻鳥。如果有一個警察抓了你能說明什麼？用你那禿了嘴的老二想想，你活該被抓，因為你超速了。
A，
象這種說法：“我沒有超速，你肯定是測到別人超速了。。。”老大，你說什麼呢？吐屎吧你！

“我的雷達讀數不起作用，因為我太過靠近高壓線了。”你丫吃屎去吧！

如果一個天殺的條子抓了你出來，那肯定有他天殺的原因。不要絮絮叨叨那些狗屎理由試圖說服他，因為那樣你只是在玩殘你自己。

事實只有一個：你丫確實超速了，即使比限速只超五麥，十麥，或者20麥，你也是超速了。所以，閉上你的鳥嘴收好你應得的教訓吧。

B， 位置。這個比較接近上面說的安全規則。你應該在後視鏡裡面看到那些明晃晃的警察車頂閃燈，但是你不能立刻靠邊到一個安全的地方，（比如，沒有路肩，或者你在一個出口交流道）。你最好把手伸到車窗外面，對着警察翹起拇指（注意不是中指）並且指着前面你打算靠邊的地方。這樣可以讓他知道你並不是不鳥他，這樣可以感化一下那些獸性條子。當你能夠靠邊停的時候，儘可能快的開過去停，這樣那些警察在你的駕駛座車窗旁邊的時候，才可以和行進中的車流分開。

記住，一個快樂放心的警察，等於一個慈悲為懷的只給WARNING的警察。
還有，也得記着把你該死的四個蹦燈兒都打開。

C，駕照和行照。我們知道他們一定會要這個來看。
你不要把他們馬上準備好嗎？一句話，別！
你要把它們放在容易拿到的地方，讓警察在和你要這個的時候，你可以在五秒鐘內拿到嗎？是的。
那你需要把本和照準備好嗎？不！為什麼呢？

想一想這樣的場景：你靠邊停車，象一個乖乖的小司機似的，把身體彎向副駕駛座旁邊的工具箱去拿你的行照。而警察看到的卻是：我把這小子逮着了，他彎腰去工具盒裡面幾秒鐘以後又回來坐得筆直，這小子是不是把可卡因給藏起來了？還是拿了把手槍出來？藏了什麼贓物？嗯。。。。。當警察想要你的駕照行照那些破玩藝的時候，他會要的。只要不太難找就行了。當你把他們遞給警察的時候，。。。你最好把你的兩個手放在你的鳥方向盤上。那種為了去撿你上禮拜掉的鋼蹦突然把手伸向的駕駛座下面的做法，我表示強烈反對。

D，乘客。簡單，讓他們一起來玩一個叫做“全都娘的給我閉嘴，安靜坐好，把手放膝蓋上，並且只有當警察問話的時候才准出聲”的遊戲。

E。不要裝啞巴，不要不鳥警察，不要讓他們花多餘的精力來解釋你簡直是個不折不扣的蠢貨。下面的藉口是無用的：
“我（上班/看醫生/接孩子/其他）要遲到了”
“我是隨大流走的。。。”
“你肯定是搞錯了，我只開了75耶。。。”
“我以為限速是80呢，警官。”
下面的這些藉口才是有更好的機會成功的：
“你真是個好警察，我是開快了點，但我當時心煩意亂，我向你保證我不是故意這樣的，我下次再也不敢了。”
警察會考慮到你沒有浪費他泡妞享樂的時間，儘量寬大處理，同時，警察尊重誠實的人。

F。警察回去他的車裡之後。這可能是讓你不吃TICKET的第二個關鍵點。在沒有得到你的說明之前，永遠永遠永遠到永遠，不要讓一個警察把你的駕照和行照拿回他的巡邏車。永遠永遠永遠，不要讓他就這樣走回他的車上。如果警察沒有聽你解釋之前就拿着你的資料回他車上，你就永遠沒機會翻身了。沒戲了，零機會。當你把你的駕照行照遞給警察的時候，向他解釋你知道他為什麼把你從車流裡面揪出來，你確實是超了點速，你這天過的都非常非常好，所以就每注意。你真的不是故意的，保證永遠不再犯了。你一定做一個乖寶寶。即使警察看起來根本沒有在注意你說了些什麼，相信我，他們在聽！你只要確信他在回到他的巡洋艦拿你的駕照開單子之前聽到了你的講述，並且確認你自己不是一個十惡不赦的通緝犯。即使你只說服了他們一點點，你也得到了至少一點點機會讓他們饒了你。一旦警察把罰單寫下去了，就不能改變了。黑字不可能從白紙上消失。警察也是人，每個警察都時不時會饒了某個人的。

III.吃罰單後應該如何應對
a.
罰單背面通常有個地方給你寫你認罪還是不認罪。永遠永遠寫不認罪。為什麼？ 不是因為你想撒謊，而是因為在每一個我去過的交通法庭，起訴人都是願意討價還價的，目的是儘快結案。僅僅出庭這本身就使你有很大機會減輕對自己的指控，如果還沒有撤銷對你的指控的話。這也同時給了你與起訴人對話的機會 ―― 他也是人啊，是人就會常常原諒他人。如果你有很好的駕駛記錄，你也願意接觸起訴人做出讓步，那麼你減輕指控的可能性大增。沒人願意把案子拿去判決，所以努力避免拿去判決吧。
b.
不要挑戰警察的證詞。以我看來，除非你有非常好的律師，否則不要那麼做。你有很大把握可以贏檢查官和警察。 你所要知道的是，作證反對你的警官很可能是法官的兒子的教父。如果警官說你超速，那麼你猜猜是什麼結果，夥計？ 你就是超速了。接受這事實，然後採取行動。 不要抱怨罰單細節上的不符。諸如“尊敬的法官大人，警官在罰單上寫的是我的車是綠色的，然而你可以清楚地從照片上看出來我的車是綠松石色的。”玩這種 “白馬非馬”的遊戲對你沒有任何好處。
c.
穿着得體，可以獲勝。我不是說你非得穿西裝，但是你的牛仔褲，T恤不可能給你帶來任何好處。 要讓自己看起來是個負責任的人，而不是一個沒有任何頭緒的白痴。

IV.其他的一些建議
a.
保險槓上的標貼。 要做明智的選擇，傻孩子。我避免任何引起爭議的熱門話題的標貼――政治的，墮胎的，槍支管制的，甚至體育方面的。如果你搞了個標貼，比如說“警察壞，沒有甜麵包圈吃。”――呵呵，幾乎可以確信，你完了。
b.
車的顏色，紅色： 超速罰單。黃色：超速罰單。黑色：中性。綠色：中性。藍色：中性。白色：慢。棕色： 慢。可惡的SB 總是開紫色的。
c.
車輛的保養。記住，警察的工作是保證公路的安全。即使他們不承認，但事實上你超過限速5－6英里/小時的時候，大多數警察是不會睬你的。但是從機械角度講，一輛嶄新的凌志IS300，遠遠比一輛1974年的，有着四個不一樣的輪子，尖叫的後剎的雪佛萊IMPALA更有可能開到80英里/小時的速度，警察當然也這麼想。
d.
軍人。如果你是現役軍人，你幾乎可以在任何時候，以????任何速度，開車去任何你想去的地方，當警察攔住你要駕照和車輛登記證時，你同時也把軍人證給他們。他們肯定說“我沒要你出示這個。”然後你可以用你最好的基本教育中學到的那種“我是一隻小綿羊，尊重所有的權力”的口氣說“可是，我的上士跟我說過，任何時候在任何情勢下如果我們與警官發生接觸，我們必須表明自己的美國軍事人員的身份”這向警官先生表明，你通常都按條例執行，更不用說大多數警官都是軍隊退役的。
e.
兔子。如果我在州際公路上跑長途，我個人傾向於這種技術。找一個車，速度和你想開的差不多，開慢點，讓他超過你，然後換到他的道上，在他身後1/4英里的地方開。如果我們的兔子掉入了超速的陷阱，警官會打開警燈，匯入車流，而你有充足的時間減速混入其他車陣里，如同任何其他的乖乖小車手一樣。 如果不出所料，警官把我們的兔子抓出來，而我們繼續歡快的前行。
f.
胸，我無法從女性角度提供第一手的評論，但是我可以跟你這麼說。如果我是警官，我抓出來一個妙齡女郎，而她恰好襯衫的上面幾顆扣子沒扣…而她又讓我看到那以點點豐滿的胸部…她通常只會得到警告。（明白了嗎？…完事了，是以警告完事的…明白了嗎？…這就完了？？？）女人們通常在二手車商那裡吃虧，但是她們通常在酒吧里找補回來，同時在被警察逮着的時候也能占着便宜。展示你們動人的乳溝吧，姑娘們，用你的害羞的雙眼撲閃着警察，嗲聲嗲氣地告訴警察你真的是灰常灰常灰常抱歉，然後你就沒事兒了…
g.
天氣。限速是如何建立起來的？查下你的駕駛手冊 ―― 限速是指在諸多因素影響下你能駕駛的最高速度。 路上的視距，接近居民區的程度，那段路的交通事故的歷史記錄，最重要的是：在理想的天氣條件下。 65 英里/小時的速度限制是指你可以在晴朗，明亮，乾燥，有陽光的天氣下可以開到65英里/小時。如果警察看到你在晚上，大霧迷漫的情況下開65英里/小時。你猜猜怎麼着，夥計？ 他會（通常情況下他會）給你開罰單。同時想想吧！丫不得不放下SB錘子一樣的測速器來追你 － 丫冒着生命危險你才不會沖入一輛滿載修女的公車。當他最終來到你車窗外的時候，他可是真要冒煙了。 我們都知道惹惱一個警官可不是我們想要做的事情。

原文:
Speeding Ticket Part 1-4

Now, am I advocating speeding? of course not. Am I offering any type of guarantee that if you follow my tips, you'll get out of every speeding ticket? No, of course not. But if you do, I'm sure you'll have much better odds.

I am speaking to the majority of us. The casual every day driver who assumes that a "55 mile per hour speed limit means you can do 65", and the "as long as I'm driving with the flow of traffic I'm ok" driver, and as we all can appreciate, nobody ever does exactly the speed limit anymore.

I'm going to preset this in four parts. But first, as a preface, let me first speak to the lead footed speed happy engine banger who weaves in and out of traffic stomping on the gas pedal and wont let up until you hears glass and smell ???? - I hope you hit a tree and ????ing die. Slowly. Alone.

Part I. "How to not get pulled over for speeding."

(a). Well, the answer is simple - don't ????ing speed. With highway speeding tickets at 65 mph in almost all states, there's really no ????ing need to -- you can easily cruise along at 70mph and not a cop in sight will bother you. Late for work? Leave earlier. Gotta get to the store before it closes? Leave earlier. Trying to make good time on that trip to go see mom and dad? Think of how much time you'll lose when you're in your holding cell getting your buttery cornhole gangraped by a bunch of drunk bikers. And if you want to speed through a residential area? Just ????ing don't. PERIOD. That's just ????ing stupid. Drive through residential areas like some drooling palsy equipped tard kid is going to leap out from behind every parked car and chase down his bouncing red ball. I've been driving for ten years, and I STILL follow that rule. Places where people live, work, go to school, and play, are off limits to the zoom-zoom driver. Period. The two or three minutes you might save by hitting light speed through the back roads, as compared to the amount of time you'll spend in jail for running over little Drooling Johnny is *nothing*. If whoever is waiting for you can't stand you being two or three minutes late... ???? EM.

(b). Radar Detectors. Useless. Junk. Nothing but electronic gadgetry designed to give you a false sense of security. I've been pulled over more times with a radar detector, then without. For starters, let me introduce you to instant on or pulse radar, and to laser. Each of which by the time you detect it... Officer Friendly is already filling out your speeding ticket.
Your eyes. Are the best ????ing radar/laser detector you have.

(c). Lane choice. Simple. Left lane bad. Middle lane good. Right lane bad (unless there's no middle lane, in that case right lane good). Cops running radar on the side of the road will hit the outer lanes first. Besides the middle lane drive at a more reasonable pace, so see rule (a) above.

Part II. "How to react in case you do get pulled over for speeding"

(a) Let me say this Cops are not assholes. If one has pulled you over? Guess what dumb dick, you deserved to be pulled over. You were speeding. This whole, "I wasn't speeding you must have measured someone else" excuse? Bull????. "Your radar readings were off because I was too close to high power lines." Bull????. If a ????ing cop pulls you over, there's a ????ing reason. Don't be a piece of ???? and deny it, because you're only kidding yourself. Bottom line was you WERE speeding. Even by 5 , 10 , or 20 miles an hour over the limite, you were speeding. So shut the ???? up and take your medicine.

(b) Location. This goes closely with the safety rule above. Should you see those magical flashing lights in your rear view mirror, and can't pull over in a safe location immediately (i.e. no breakdown lane, or you're on an exit ramp for example)... stick your hand out of your window...give a thumbs up to the cop and point ahead to where you intend to pull over. This lets him know you're not ignoring him, and thus soothes the savage beast. And when you do pull over, move as far right as possible, so that when the officer is at your driver's side window, they'll be shielded from ongoing traffic. Remember, a happy, secure police officer can mean a forgiving, only-warning-giving police officer. And put your ????ing hazzard lights (four way flashers) on as well.

(c) License and Registration. We know what they're going to ask for it. Shouldn't you have it ready? In a word... NO. Should you have them radily available where you can get them within five second sof being asked for them? Yes. Should you have them ready? No. Why not? Because here's what happens -- right after you pull over, you lean over to the glove box on her passenger side and get your registration, like a good little driver. Here's what the cop sees -- as he pulls this person over, they lean over to their glovebox for a few seconds and they sit back upright. Are they stashing some drugs? Getting a weapon? Hiding something? Hmmm. When the cop wants your ????ing paperwork, he'll ask for it. Have it readily. And after you hand it to the cop... both hands back on the ????ing steering wheel. Sudden grabs under your seat to get that quarter you dropped last week and HIGHLY discouraged.

(d) Passengers. Simple. Let's all play a game called "Shut the ???? up, sit still, keep your hands on your lap, and speak only when spoken to by the officer."

(e) Don't Playing Dumb. Don't piss the cop off by making then take the extra effort to explain why you're a dumbass. These excuses will not work: "I'm late for work/doctor/ pick kids up/whatever", "I was going with the flow of traffic", "You must be mistaken I wasn't driving 75mph", "I thought the speed limit was 80, officer", This excuse has the best chance of success: "You're right officer, I was going a little fast. I was distracted and I can assure you it wasn't intentional and that it will not happen again. The cop will respect you for coming clean and not wasting his time by breaking his balls. Cops respect honesty.

(f). Back To Their Car. This is perhaps the second most important part in not getting a speeding ticket. NEVER EVER EVER EVER let a cop take your license and registration back to his patrol car, without getting your explanation in first. NEVER EVER EVER. If the cop heads back to his car without hearing your side of the story first, then you have ZERO chance of catching a break. Nada. Zero. As you're handing your license/registration over to the cop, explain to him that you believe you know why he pulled you over, you were going a little fast, you were having a really good day, weren't paying attention, didn't mean it, won't happen again, you'll be a good little boy/girl. Even if the cop acts like he's not paying attention, believe me, they are. You just make sure he's heard your side of the story before he heads back to his cruiser to run your drivers license through and make sure you're not a wanted felon. Even if you only convince them a little bit, then you've at least got a little bit of chance to catch a break. Once the ticket's written it CAN NOT be ripped up. There is no 'take back' once their pen has touched the ticket form. Cops are human beings. EVERY cop gives someone a break form time to time.

Part III. "How to react after getting a speeding ticket"

(a) On the back of your ticket there's usually the part to fill out whether or not you want to plead guilty or not guilty. ALWAYS ALWAYS plead not guilty. Why? Not because you're trying to lie, but because at every single traffic court I've ever been to, the prosecutor has ALWAYS been willing to bargain, in the interest of getting the matter settled quickly. Just by showing up in court, you'll stand a good chance at getting the charges significantly reduced, if not dropped altogether. This also allows you the opportunity to speak with the prosecutor -- who is a human being and we all know human beings give people a break from time to time. Your chances are also significantly increased if you already have a clean driving record, and/or if you approach the prosecutor willing to make amends. Nobody wants this case to go to trial, so make sure it doesn't.

(b) Don't challenge the cop's testimony. In my opinion, unless you're a good lawyer, don't go here. You stand a good chance of pissing the cop and prosecutor off. For all you know, the officer testifying against you could be the godfather to the judge's son. If the cop says you were speeding, then guess what dude, you were speeding. Accept this as the truth and work with it. And don't complain over little inconsistencies on the ticket - "Your honor, the officer wrote on the ticket that my vehicle is green, while you can clearly see in this picture my car is turquoise." Playing "tomato or tomatto" isn't going to get you anywhere.

(c). Dress for success. I'm not saying you have to show up in a business suit, but your jeans and the t-shirt ain't gonna get you far. Look like a responsible person, and not a clueless idiot.

Part IV. "Miscellaneous Tips"

(a). Bumper stickers. Choose them wisely, my prodigal son. Personally , I avoid any bumper sticker that is related to any hot issues -- politics, abortion, gun control, even sports. And I'm going to make his 17 year old daughter blow me while I'm at it. And if you've got a bumper sticker like, "Bad cop! No donut!" -- well, pretty much...you're ????ed.

(b) Car color. Red=Speeding ticket. Yellow=Speeding ticket. Black= Neutral. Green= Neutral. Blue=Neutral. White=Slow. Brown=Slow. ????ing assholes drives purple.

(c) Vehicle maintenance. Remember, the cop's job is to keep the roads safe. And even though they won't admit it, most cops won't even bat an eye if you break the speed limit by 5-6 miles an hour. But mechanically speaking, a brand new Lexus IS300 is a whole ????ing lot more capable of doing 80mph then your beat up 1974 Chevy Impala with four mismatched tires and squeaky rear brakes. A cop's got to take this into consideration also.

(d) Military. If you're in the military, you can for the most part drive wherever you want, whenever you want, however ????ing fast you want. When the cop asks for drivers license and registration, hand him your military ID also. They'll inevitably say, " I didn't ask for this." And you reply in your best basic-training-broken-spirited-i-am-a-sheep- who-respects-all-authority voice that, " Well, my first sergeant said that anytime we had any interaction with the police of any kind, we had to identify ourselves as US military." This shows Mr. Police Officer you normally follow the rules. Not to mention the overwhelming majority of cops out there are prior-military themselves.

(e) A Rabbit. Personally, I prefer this technique, should I be on the interstate on a long drive. Find a car traveling about the same speed that you would LIKE to be travelling. Drive slowly until he passes you, and then move over into his lane and ride about 1/4 mile behind him. Should the our rabbit pass a speed trap, the officer will flip on his lights and start to make his way to merge into traffic, that will giving you sufficient time to slow down and blend in like any other good little driver. If things go off as planned, the cop pulls over our rabbit, and we drive merrily along.

(f) Breast. While I can't comment from the female perspective first hand, I can tell you this. If I'm a police officer and I pull over a chick that's got the top few buttons on her blouse undone...and she's showing me a little swell of breast...she gets off with just a warning. (get it?...gets off...gets off with just a warning...get it...get off???). Women may get ????ed at the used car dealer, but they more then make up for it at the bar, and when pulled over by a cop. Show us some cleavage ladies, look up at us with those big bashful eyes and tell us you're 'soooo sorry', and you're good to go.

(g) Weather. What is a speed limit and how is it established? Check your drivers book -- a speed limit is the maximum speed you can travel based upon various factors:
road visibility, proximity to residential areas, historical traffic accident data for that stretch of road, and the most important thing -- is set for IDEAL weather conditions. The 65mph highway speed limit sign means you can travel up to 65mph on a bright, clear, dry, sunny day. If a cop sees you doing 65mph at night, in blinding fog, guess what - he CAN (and most likely will) give you a speeding ticket. Honest Injun. And considering that he'll have to really put the ????ing hammer down to catch you -- thus endangering his own life so that you don't run into a bus load of nuns, he's going to be mighty pissed off when he finally gets to your window. And we all know pissed off cops aren't what we want.