超速罚单1-4部分

我在鼓励你超速？错！你只要听了我的建议，就能保证永远不会吃罚单？又错！但是如果你听我话，肯定会少吃很多罚单。

我是针对大多数人来谈的，每天开车的人都假设“55英里时速限制的地方（93公里/小时）你可以开65英里/小时。”，或者说“只要我随大流，我就没事儿。”只要我们心存感激，就没人会严格执行限速。

我将分四个部分来谈，但是首先对于那些脚上灌了铅的狂热的超车一族，那些在车流中舞出舞进，猛踩油门不松脚，直到听到玻璃声闻到焦糊的味道的????，我想说：我希望你们撞到树上，都????慢慢地，孤独地去死吧。

I. 如何不因超速被抓
A)嗯，答案很简单，别他妈地超速。几乎所有的州限速都是65英里/小时，实在没有????必要超速。你丫可以很轻松地以70英里/小时的速度逛荡，没有一个现场的警察会来找你麻烦。上班要迟到了？ 早点出门啊。赶着打佯前去商店？ 早点走啊。想准时去看父母？想想如果超速被罚，你会在拘留所里浪费多少时间？想想你那涂了牛油的腚眼会如何被以群喝醉了的摩托车手们进进出出吧。一句话，别????超速。超速实在是????太蠢了。从居民区驾车穿过，那些流着口水的小孩子从每一辆停着的车后跳出来追赶他们的红色皮球。我开了十年的车，可我还是遵守着规则。 人们生活，工作，上学，玩耍的地方，都对开快车的司机提出了限制。你达到光速而节省下来的两三分钟，相比开车碾过流口水的小强尼而被罚蹲监狱的时间来说，真是微不足道。不管是谁，如果你实在无法多等一下迟到两三分钟，那么。。。那么我????大爷！

B)雷达测速器？没用。垃圾。就是一个电子的小玩物，设计出来就是为了让你误以为自己有了某种保障。有了这玩意儿，我被抓的次数更多了。对于初学开车的人，让我给你介绍一下即时的或者脉冲的雷达，激光的。 它们唯一的用处，就是使你发现警察的测速仪器的时候，友善的警察早就开始写罚单了。

记住，你的眼睛，那才是他妈最好的测速器。

C)对道路的选择。简单啊，左道危险，中间道安全，右道也不安全。（有地方没有中间道，那么右道是最安全的。）路边操纵雷达的警察总是先抓左道的，除此之外，中间道开的车也被认为是速度更合理的车道，请参阅上面的规则A）

第二部分。“在万一被抓到超速的时候如何作出反应？” 我跟你说，条子们不是傻鸟。如果有一个警察抓了你能说明什么？用你那秃了嘴的老二想想，你活该被抓，因为你超速了。
A，
象这种说法：“我没有超速，你肯定是测到别人超速了。。。”老大，你说什么呢？吐屎吧你！

“我的雷达读数不起作用，因为我太过靠近高压线了。”你丫吃屎去吧！

如果一个天杀的条子抓了你出来，那肯定有他天杀的原因。不要絮絮叨叨那些狗屎理由试图说服他，因为那样你只是在玩残你自己。

事实只有一个：你丫确实超速了，即使比限速只超五麦，十麦，或者20麦，你也是超速了。所以，闭上你的鸟嘴收好你应得的教训吧。

B， 位置。这个比较接近上面说的安全规则。你应该在后视镜里面看到那些明晃晃的警察车顶闪灯，但是你不能立刻靠边到一个安全的地方，（比如，没有路肩，或者你在一个出口交流道）。你最好把手伸到车窗外面，对着警察翘起拇指（注意不是中指）并且指着前面你打算靠边的地方。这样可以让他知道你并不是不鸟他，这样可以感化一下那些兽性条子。当你能够靠边停的时候，尽可能快的开过去停，这样那些警察在你的驾驶座车窗旁边的时候，才可以和行进中的车流分开。

记住，一个快乐放心的警察，等于一个慈悲为怀的只给WARNING的警察。
还有，也得记着把你该死的四个蹦灯儿都打开。

C，驾照和行照。我们知道他们一定会要这个来看。
你不要把他们马上准备好吗？一句话，别！
你要把它们放在容易拿到的地方，让警察在和你要这个的时候，你可以在五秒钟内拿到吗？是的。
那你需要把本和照准备好吗？不！为什么呢？

想一想这样的场景：你靠边停车，象一个乖乖的小司机似的，把身体弯向副驾驶座旁边的工具箱去拿你的行照。而警察看到的却是：我把这小子逮着了，他弯腰去工具盒里面几秒钟以后又回来坐得笔直，这小子是不是把可卡因给藏起来了？还是拿了把手枪出来？藏了什么赃物？嗯。。。。。当警察想要你的驾照行照那些破玩艺的时候，他会要的。只要不太难找就行了。当你把他们递给警察的时候，。。。你最好把你的两个手放在你的鸟方向盘上。那种为了去捡你上礼拜掉的钢蹦突然把手伸向的驾驶座下面的做法，我表示强烈反对。

D，乘客。简单，让他们一起来玩一个叫做“全都娘的给我闭嘴，安静坐好，把手放膝盖上，并且只有当警察问话的时候才准出声”的游戏。

E。不要装哑巴，不要不鸟警察，不要让他们花多余的精力来解释你简直是个不折不扣的蠢货。下面的借口是无用的：
“我（上班/看医生/接孩子/其他）要迟到了”
“我是随大流走的。。。”
“你肯定是搞错了，我只开了75耶。。。”
“我以为限速是80呢，警官。”
下面的这些借口才是有更好的机会成功的：
“你真是个好警察，我是开快了点，但我当时心烦意乱，我向你保证我不是故意这样的，我下次再也不敢了。”
警察会考虑到你没有浪费他泡妞享乐的时间，尽量宽大处理，同时，警察尊重诚实的人。

F。警察回去他的车里之后。这可能是让你不吃TICKET的第二个关键点。在没有得到你的说明之前，永远永远永远到永远，不要让一个警察把你的驾照和行照拿回他的巡逻车。永远永远永远，不要让他就这样走回他的车上。如果警察没有听你解释之前就拿着你的资料回他车上，你就永远没机会翻身了。没戏了，零机会。当你把你的驾照行照递给警察的时候，向他解释你知道他为什么把你从车流里面揪出来，你确实是超了点速，你这天过的都非常非常好，所以就每注意。你真的不是故意的，保证永远不再犯了。你一定做一个乖宝宝。即使警察看起来根本没有在注意你说了些什么，相信我，他们在听！你只要确信他在回到他的巡洋舰拿你的驾照开单子之前听到了你的讲述，并且确认你自己不是一个十恶不赦的通缉犯。即使你只说服了他们一点点，你也得到了至少一点点机会让他们饶了你。一旦警察把罚单写下去了，就不能改变了。黑字不可能从白纸上消失。警察也是人，每个警察都时不时会饶了某个人的。

III.吃罚单后应该如何应对
a.
罚单背面通常有个地方给你写你认罪还是不认罪。永远永远写不认罪。为什么？ 不是因为你想撒谎，而是因为在每一个我去过的交通法庭，起诉人都是愿意讨价还价的，目的是尽快结案。仅仅出庭这本身就使你有很大机会减轻对自己的指控，如果还没有撤销对你的指控的话。这也同时给了你与起诉人对话的机会 ―― 他也是人啊，是人就会常常原谅他人。如果你有很好的驾驶记录，你也愿意接触起诉人做出让步，那么你减轻指控的可能性大增。没人愿意把案子拿去判决，所以努力避免拿去判决吧。
b.
不要挑战警察的证词。以我看来，除非你有非常好的律师，否则不要那么做。你有很大把握可以赢检查官和警察。 你所要知道的是，作证反对你的警官很可能是法官的儿子的教父。如果警官说你超速，那么你猜猜是什么结果，伙计？ 你就是超速了。接受这事实，然后采取行动。 不要抱怨罚单细节上的不符。诸如“尊敬的法官大人，警官在罚单上写的是我的车是绿色的，然而你可以清楚地从照片上看出来我的车是绿松石色的。”玩这种 “白马非马”的游戏对你没有任何好处。
c.
穿着得体，可以获胜。我不是说你非得穿西装，但是你的牛仔裤，T恤不可能给你带来任何好处。 要让自己看起来是个负责任的人，而不是一个没有任何头绪的白痴。

IV.其他的一些建议
a.
保险杠上的标贴。 要做明智的选择，傻孩子。我避免任何引起争议的热门话题的标贴――政治的，堕胎的，枪支管制的，甚至体育方面的。如果你搞了个标贴，比如说“警察坏，没有甜面包圈吃。”――呵呵，几乎可以确信，你完了。
b.
车的颜色，红色： 超速罚单。黄色：超速罚单。黑色：中性。绿色：中性。蓝色：中性。白色：慢。棕色： 慢。可恶的SB 总是开紫色的。
c.
车辆的保养。记住，警察的工作是保证公路的安全。即使他们不承认，但事实上你超过限速5－6英里/小时的时候，大多数警察是不会睬你的。但是从机械角度讲，一辆崭新的凌志IS300，远远比一辆1974年的，有着四个不一样的轮子，尖叫的后刹的雪佛莱IMPALA更有可能开到80英里/小时的速度，警察当然也这么想。
d.
军人。如果你是现役军人，你几乎可以在任何时候，以????任何速度，开车去任何你想去的地方，当警察拦住你要驾照和车辆登记证时，你同时也把军人证给他们。他们肯定说“我没要你出示这个。”然后你可以用你最好的基本教育中学到的那种“我是一只小绵羊，尊重所有的权力”的口气说“可是，我的上士跟我说过，任何时候在任何情势下如果我们与警官发生接触，我们必须表明自己的美国军事人员的身份”这向警官先生表明，你通常都按条例执行，更不用说大多数警官都是军队退役的。
e.
兔子。如果我在州际公路上跑长途，我个人倾向于这种技术。找一个车，速度和你想开的差不多，开慢点，让他超过你，然后换到他的道上，在他身后1/4英里的地方开。如果我们的兔子掉入了超速的陷阱，警官会打开警灯，汇入车流，而你有充足的时间减速混入其他车阵里，如同任何其他的乖乖小车手一样。 如果不出所料，警官把我们的兔子抓出来，而我们继续欢快的前行。
f.
胸，我无法从女性角度提供第一手的评论，但是我可以跟你这么说。如果我是警官，我抓出来一个妙龄女郎，而她恰好衬衫的上面几颗扣子没扣…而她又让我看到那以点点丰满的胸部…她通常只会得到警告。（明白了吗？…完事了，是以警告完事的…明白了吗？…这就完了？？？）女人们通常在二手车商那里吃亏，但是她们通常在酒吧里找补回来，同时在被警察逮着的时候也能占着便宜。展示你们动人的乳沟吧，姑娘们，用你的害羞的双眼扑闪着警察，嗲声嗲气地告诉警察你真的是灰常灰常灰常抱歉，然后你就没事儿了…
g.
天气。限速是如何建立起来的？查下你的驾驶手册 ―― 限速是指在诸多因素影响下你能驾驶的最高速度。 路上的视距，接近居民区的程度，那段路的交通事故的历史记录，最重要的是：在理想的天气条件下。 65 英里/小时的速度限制是指你可以在晴朗，明亮，干燥，有阳光的天气下可以开到65英里/小时。如果警察看到你在晚上，大雾迷漫的情况下开65英里/小时。你猜猜怎么着，伙计？ 他会（通常情况下他会）给你开罚单。同时想想吧！丫不得不放下SB锤子一样的测速器来追你 － 丫冒着生命危险你才不会冲入一辆满载修女的公车。当他最终来到你车窗外的时候，他可是真要冒烟了。 我们都知道惹恼一个警官可不是我们想要做的事情。

原文:
Speeding Ticket Part 1-4

Now, am I advocating speeding? of course not. Am I offering any type of guarantee that if you follow my tips, you'll get out of every speeding ticket? No, of course not. But if you do, I'm sure you'll have much better odds.

I am speaking to the majority of us. The casual every day driver who assumes that a "55 mile per hour speed limit means you can do 65", and the "as long as I'm driving with the flow of traffic I'm ok" driver, and as we all can appreciate, nobody ever does exactly the speed limit anymore.

I'm going to preset this in four parts. But first, as a preface, let me first speak to the lead footed speed happy engine banger who weaves in and out of traffic stomping on the gas pedal and wont let up until you hears glass and smell ???? - I hope you hit a tree and ????ing die. Slowly. Alone.

Part I. "How to not get pulled over for speeding."

(a). Well, the answer is simple - don't ????ing speed. With highway speeding tickets at 65 mph in almost all states, there's really no ????ing need to -- you can easily cruise along at 70mph and not a cop in sight will bother you. Late for work? Leave earlier. Gotta get to the store before it closes? Leave earlier. Trying to make good time on that trip to go see mom and dad? Think of how much time you'll lose when you're in your holding cell getting your buttery cornhole gangraped by a bunch of drunk bikers. And if you want to speed through a residential area? Just ????ing don't. PERIOD. That's just ????ing stupid. Drive through residential areas like some drooling palsy equipped tard kid is going to leap out from behind every parked car and chase down his bouncing red ball. I've been driving for ten years, and I STILL follow that rule. Places where people live, work, go to school, and play, are off limits to the zoom-zoom driver. Period. The two or three minutes you might save by hitting light speed through the back roads, as compared to the amount of time you'll spend in jail for running over little Drooling Johnny is *nothing*. If whoever is waiting for you can't stand you being two or three minutes late... ???? EM.

(b). Radar Detectors. Useless. Junk. Nothing but electronic gadgetry designed to give you a false sense of security. I've been pulled over more times with a radar detector, then without. For starters, let me introduce you to instant on or pulse radar, and to laser. Each of which by the time you detect it... Officer Friendly is already filling out your speeding ticket.
Your eyes. Are the best ????ing radar/laser detector you have.

(c). Lane choice. Simple. Left lane bad. Middle lane good. Right lane bad (unless there's no middle lane, in that case right lane good). Cops running radar on the side of the road will hit the outer lanes first. Besides the middle lane drive at a more reasonable pace, so see rule (a) above.

Part II. "How to react in case you do get pulled over for speeding"

(a) Let me say this Cops are not assholes. If one has pulled you over? Guess what dumb dick, you deserved to be pulled over. You were speeding. This whole, "I wasn't speeding you must have measured someone else" excuse? Bull????. "Your radar readings were off because I was too close to high power lines." Bull????. If a ????ing cop pulls you over, there's a ????ing reason. Don't be a piece of ???? and deny it, because you're only kidding yourself. Bottom line was you WERE speeding. Even by 5 , 10 , or 20 miles an hour over the limite, you were speeding. So shut the ???? up and take your medicine.

(b) Location. This goes closely with the safety rule above. Should you see those magical flashing lights in your rear view mirror, and can't pull over in a safe location immediately (i.e. no breakdown lane, or you're on an exit ramp for example)... stick your hand out of your window...give a thumbs up to the cop and point ahead to where you intend to pull over. This lets him know you're not ignoring him, and thus soothes the savage beast. And when you do pull over, move as far right as possible, so that when the officer is at your driver's side window, they'll be shielded from ongoing traffic. Remember, a happy, secure police officer can mean a forgiving, only-warning-giving police officer. And put your ????ing hazzard lights (four way flashers) on as well.

(c) License and Registration. We know what they're going to ask for it. Shouldn't you have it ready? In a word... NO. Should you have them radily available where you can get them within five second sof being asked for them? Yes. Should you have them ready? No. Why not? Because here's what happens -- right after you pull over, you lean over to the glove box on her passenger side and get your registration, like a good little driver. Here's what the cop sees -- as he pulls this person over, they lean over to their glovebox for a few seconds and they sit back upright. Are they stashing some drugs? Getting a weapon? Hiding something? Hmmm. When the cop wants your ????ing paperwork, he'll ask for it. Have it readily. And after you hand it to the cop... both hands back on the ????ing steering wheel. Sudden grabs under your seat to get that quarter you dropped last week and HIGHLY discouraged.

(d) Passengers. Simple. Let's all play a game called "Shut the ???? up, sit still, keep your hands on your lap, and speak only when spoken to by the officer."

(e) Don't Playing Dumb. Don't piss the cop off by making then take the extra effort to explain why you're a dumbass. These excuses will not work: "I'm late for work/doctor/ pick kids up/whatever", "I was going with the flow of traffic", "You must be mistaken I wasn't driving 75mph", "I thought the speed limit was 80, officer", This excuse has the best chance of success: "You're right officer, I was going a little fast. I was distracted and I can assure you it wasn't intentional and that it will not happen again. The cop will respect you for coming clean and not wasting his time by breaking his balls. Cops respect honesty.

(f). Back To Their Car. This is perhaps the second most important part in not getting a speeding ticket. NEVER EVER EVER EVER let a cop take your license and registration back to his patrol car, without getting your explanation in first. NEVER EVER EVER. If the cop heads back to his car without hearing your side of the story first, then you have ZERO chance of catching a break. Nada. Zero. As you're handing your license/registration over to the cop, explain to him that you believe you know why he pulled you over, you were going a little fast, you were having a really good day, weren't paying attention, didn't mean it, won't happen again, you'll be a good little boy/girl. Even if the cop acts like he's not paying attention, believe me, they are. You just make sure he's heard your side of the story before he heads back to his cruiser to run your drivers license through and make sure you're not a wanted felon. Even if you only convince them a little bit, then you've at least got a little bit of chance to catch a break. Once the ticket's written it CAN NOT be ripped up. There is no 'take back' once their pen has touched the ticket form. Cops are human beings. EVERY cop gives someone a break form time to time.

Part III. "How to react after getting a speeding ticket"

(a) On the back of your ticket there's usually the part to fill out whether or not you want to plead guilty or not guilty. ALWAYS ALWAYS plead not guilty. Why? Not because you're trying to lie, but because at every single traffic court I've ever been to, the prosecutor has ALWAYS been willing to bargain, in the interest of getting the matter settled quickly. Just by showing up in court, you'll stand a good chance at getting the charges significantly reduced, if not dropped altogether. This also allows you the opportunity to speak with the prosecutor -- who is a human being and we all know human beings give people a break from time to time. Your chances are also significantly increased if you already have a clean driving record, and/or if you approach the prosecutor willing to make amends. Nobody wants this case to go to trial, so make sure it doesn't.

(b) Don't challenge the cop's testimony. In my opinion, unless you're a good lawyer, don't go here. You stand a good chance of pissing the cop and prosecutor off. For all you know, the officer testifying against you could be the godfather to the judge's son. If the cop says you were speeding, then guess what dude, you were speeding. Accept this as the truth and work with it. And don't complain over little inconsistencies on the ticket - "Your honor, the officer wrote on the ticket that my vehicle is green, while you can clearly see in this picture my car is turquoise." Playing "tomato or tomatto" isn't going to get you anywhere.

(c). Dress for success. I'm not saying you have to show up in a business suit, but your jeans and the t-shirt ain't gonna get you far. Look like a responsible person, and not a clueless idiot.

Part IV. "Miscellaneous Tips"

(a). Bumper stickers. Choose them wisely, my prodigal son. Personally , I avoid any bumper sticker that is related to any hot issues -- politics, abortion, gun control, even sports. And I'm going to make his 17 year old daughter blow me while I'm at it. And if you've got a bumper sticker like, "Bad cop! No donut!" -- well, pretty much...you're ????ed.

(b) Car color. Red=Speeding ticket. Yellow=Speeding ticket. Black= Neutral. Green= Neutral. Blue=Neutral. White=Slow. Brown=Slow. ????ing assholes drives purple.

(c) Vehicle maintenance. Remember, the cop's job is to keep the roads safe. And even though they won't admit it, most cops won't even bat an eye if you break the speed limit by 5-6 miles an hour. But mechanically speaking, a brand new Lexus IS300 is a whole ????ing lot more capable of doing 80mph then your beat up 1974 Chevy Impala with four mismatched tires and squeaky rear brakes. A cop's got to take this into consideration also.

(d) Military. If you're in the military, you can for the most part drive wherever you want, whenever you want, however ????ing fast you want. When the cop asks for drivers license and registration, hand him your military ID also. They'll inevitably say, " I didn't ask for this." And you reply in your best basic-training-broken-spirited-i-am-a-sheep- who-respects-all-authority voice that, " Well, my first sergeant said that anytime we had any interaction with the police of any kind, we had to identify ourselves as US military." This shows Mr. Police Officer you normally follow the rules. Not to mention the overwhelming majority of cops out there are prior-military themselves.

(e) A Rabbit. Personally, I prefer this technique, should I be on the interstate on a long drive. Find a car traveling about the same speed that you would LIKE to be travelling. Drive slowly until he passes you, and then move over into his lane and ride about 1/4 mile behind him. Should the our rabbit pass a speed trap, the officer will flip on his lights and start to make his way to merge into traffic, that will giving you sufficient time to slow down and blend in like any other good little driver. If things go off as planned, the cop pulls over our rabbit, and we drive merrily along.

(f) Breast. While I can't comment from the female perspective first hand, I can tell you this. If I'm a police officer and I pull over a chick that's got the top few buttons on her blouse undone...and she's showing me a little swell of breast...she gets off with just a warning. (get it?...gets off...gets off with just a warning...get it...get off???). Women may get ????ed at the used car dealer, but they more then make up for it at the bar, and when pulled over by a cop. Show us some cleavage ladies, look up at us with those big bashful eyes and tell us you're 'soooo sorry', and you're good to go.

(g) Weather. What is a speed limit and how is it established? Check your drivers book -- a speed limit is the maximum speed you can travel based upon various factors:
road visibility, proximity to residential areas, historical traffic accident data for that stretch of road, and the most important thing -- is set for IDEAL weather conditions. The 65mph highway speed limit sign means you can travel up to 65mph on a bright, clear, dry, sunny day. If a cop sees you doing 65mph at night, in blinding fog, guess what - he CAN (and most likely will) give you a speeding ticket. Honest Injun. And considering that he'll have to really put the ????ing hammer down to catch you -- thus endangering his own life so that you don't run into a bus load of nuns, he's going to be mighty pissed off when he finally gets to your window. And we all know pissed off cops aren't what we want.