青柳診所手記37

有一次治療一個小女孩，我問她她覺得最開心的事情是什麼？

她歪着頭答：口袋裡裝着兩個糖果。

我問她為什麼不多不少正好兩顆糖果。

她說：這樣我蹦蹦跳跳時就可以聽到糖果在口袋裡蹦來蹦去的聲音了。

她反過來問我：如果你遇見一個可以滿足你的願望的精靈，你想要得到什麼？

我想要得到什麼呢？

我也許可以有一輛車，我們的車子都20多年了，連空調都沒有。

我想要有一個小房子，因為我現在住的公寓只有一個小小的陽台，如果能在屋後的庭院裡種一些果樹和草藥那就太好了。

我也許可以有多一點錢，這樣就可以滿世界去尋訪能教我變成一個更好醫生的師父們了。

如果有錢買一個坐落在森林裡的小診所那豈不很好？這樣我就可以在戶外教病人靜坐、瑜伽、氣功，累了自己也可以在樹蔭下小睡一下……

如果有更多的錢，我們可以天天給人義診，這樣無論是誰，不管有錢沒錢，都可以得到我們的幫助了……

我的願望很多啊。

今天早上第一個病人是個眼科。我給他的眼睛按摩時，太陽正好出來了，照在治療床上和我的臉龐上。差不多是寒冬季節了，但這柔軟的光線讓我覺得很暖和很感動。忽然間我意識到，其實我什麼願望都沒有，因為精靈們已經滿足我所有的願望了：我做着自己所熱愛的事情，並且還因此而得到報酬，我還渴求別的什麼呢？

詩人魯米說：宇宙中的一切都在你的身體內。你需要什麼就在你自己身上找。（“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.”）。

說到魯米，我得特別提一下上周來拜訪我們的這個病人。

他是A教授，是一個退休的文學博士，以前專門研究波斯詩人魯米的。

教授很儒雅，很博學，很真誠，我和大師兄都非常喜歡他，每次他來，診所里就有小小的興奮，儘管他年紀大得可以做我們的父親。

當我們問他多大年紀時，他就笑着答：“如果只算白天的話，我才30歲多一點。” 然後又嘻嘻一笑：晚上我都是在睡覺，為什麼要算它們呢？

教授深愛他的太太，但她因病多年前去世了。去世之後，他一直鰥居着。我問他是否感到孤獨，他說不，雖然他一直深深懷念着太太，但他相信她的靈魂總是在伴隨着他。他不但不孤獨，而且覺得每天都非常美好。

他說，“你想知道我每天是如何用晚餐的嗎？我獨自一人，關掉燈，點上蠟燭，倒上一杯紅葡萄酒，穿上舒適的衣服，正兒八經地坐在我的小餐桌旁。桌上是剛從院子裡摘下來的鮮花，燭光在黑暗中神秘閃爍，我不緊不慢地用着我的大餐。順便說一句，我是個素食主義者。我做的菜都是有機而新鮮的。我抿一口酒，吃一口飯，儼然自己就是一個幸福的王子一樣…..”

我笑道，“您是在幻想自己是一個王子嗎？”

“不，”他說，“我不是在幻想自己是一個王子，我本來就是一個王子。雖然我並不是個特別富有的人，但生命中該有的我都有了，我不是王子誰是王子呢？”

臨別前，我還特意說：跟您談話是多麼有意思的一件事。我可以把您說的寫進我的診所手記裡面嗎？

他爽朗一笑：為什麼不可以呢？說不定我因此成了名人，明早一打開門，啊，我的天，那些年輕漂亮的女孩子們排了長長一溜兒都在等着我接見她們呢？

老人的生活態度也讓我想起我父親去世前的那兩個星期，我去醫院照顧他。他的病室不遠處住了一個年紀看上去很大的女士。我從來沒有跟她說過話，但每天傍晚，醫院送飯過來時，我都看見她讓人把她的小餐桌搬到了醫院的走廊上，她的脖子上繫着潔白的餐巾，手裡拿着刀叉，正襟危坐，專心致志吃理直氣壯地享受她的大餐，她的銀色的頭髮跟黑色的餐具形成了鮮明的對照。這裡是重症病室，走廊並不寬敞，她的周圍是匆匆來往的醫生或護士，或者前來探訪的像我這樣的心事重重的病人家屬，然而，她對旁觀者的側目毫不以為意，那優雅高傲的態度就如一個女王在享受專為她開的一場盛宴一樣。

當時我就想：這個重病的老婦，卻還能如此從容而優雅地享受生活，真不簡單啊。

這天送別A教授後，我又禁不住想：這個世界上是不是有一種幸福，有一種富足，有一種優雅，它本來就在你的內心深處，你並不需要去尋找它，你所要的，就是把它以你喜歡的方式表達出來，讓它直接活鮮鮮地展現在你的眼前，就如這兩個老人所做的一樣？

常常有病人問我：安娜醫生，為什麼我總是想吃一些垃圾食物，儘管我明明知道它們對我是有害的？你能幫我減一下體重嗎？

我就很直率地告訴他們:中醫裡面有幾個不同的“虛”：氣虛，血虛和神虛。氣虛了你就會發現自己體力不夠；血虛了就會有心臟功能的問題，包括睡不好覺或者皮膚痒痒等等；如果是神虛了呢，那你就會神魂不寧，心裡有一種空空的感覺，有一種莫名的饑渴感，但你又不確定自己到底為什麼而饑渴，所以你就會用那些高熱量的食物來填充自己。其實，這時你最需要做的就是反省你的人生，通過反省來覺察你的生命中到底缺乏什麼。如果你真的想療愈自己，你別無他法，唯有試圖從創傷、挫折、喪失、和痛苦中尋找生命的意義從而重新點燃對生活的熱情之火。

一個對生活沒有熱情的人，就不可能是個幸福的人，他的生活也不可能是圓滿的。

是的，人生的確不易。尤其是最近幾年，許多人的生活都非常艱難。多少人失去了親人或者摯愛的人？多少人患上了危及生命的疾患？多少家庭因為嚴重的經濟蕭條而在困頓中掙扎着求生？多少孩童在破碎的家庭里痛苦成長？多少人甚至要面對硝煙炮火？還有多少人，被悲傷擊碎而陷入絕望的深淵？

這些都是可悲的現實，所以我們這些相對比較幸運的人，一定得有一顆柔軟心、慈悲心，想法設法去幫助身邊的人走出困境。

而對於那些身處不幸的人，我建議你像我提到的那兩個老人一樣振作起來。如果你留心觀察，你會發現，無論是哪個時代，其實沒有哪個人的生命是完美的。就算那些表面看上去很風光很成功的人，你也沒有看見他們在黑暗中走過的荊棘和背後流的眼淚。

傳統中醫說：恐傷腎，怒傷肝，悲傷肺。而這恐，這怒，這悲歸根結底不都是來自於人生中的匱乏嗎？而這種匱乏感又是來自於哪裡呢？A教授本來也可以有嚴重的匱乏感，如果他整天拉長臉坐在電視機前大嚼垃圾食物，誰又會指責他呢？可是他選擇的卻是另外一種生活態度。

要想健康，要想快樂，你必須不斷地調整你體內的天氣。任何時候，哪怕是在最黑暗最孤獨的時候，你也得學會像我前面提到的那兩個老人一樣去創造快樂、喜悅和對生活的熱情。

正如魯米說的：

不要老和一位悲傷的朋友坐在一起。

當你身處一座花園，

你是瞧着那荊棘還是花朵？

多花點時間，跟那玫瑰和茉莉在一起。

Do not sit long with a sad friend.

When you go to a garden,

do you look at thorns or flowers?

Spend more time with roses and jasmine.

Whispering of Willows (37)

By Dr. Anna Zhao

(https://whisperingwillowclinic.com)

Once when I was treating a little girl, I asked her when she felt the happiest. She tilted her little head and answered: “When there are two candies in my pocket.”

“Why two?” I pursued.

She giggled: “This way I can hear the sound of candys bouncing around in my pocket when I am hopping.”

She threw back a question at me: “If an elf can grant your wishes, what would you want from him?”

What might I want? I thought to myself.

Maybe I can have a car. Our car is over 20 years old; it doesn’t even have air conditioning.

I would like to have a small house, because the apartment I live in now only has a small balcony. It would be great if I could plant some fruit trees and herbs in a courtyard behind the house.

Maybe I could have a little more money to afford me to travel around the world searching for medical gurus who could enlighten me on how to become a better doctor.

Also, wouldn’t it be great if I had the money to purchase a small clinic nestled in the forest? This way, I could teach patients meditation, yoga, and Qigong outdoors, and when tired, I can snooze in the shade of a tree...

With even more money, we could provide free healing services every day, so that no matter who, wealthy or poor, everyone could benefit from our service...

After all, I have many wishes and the list goes on.

Today my first patient was an eye patient. While I was massaging his eyes, the sun rose, glistening on the treatment table and my face. We are in the middle of winter, but the gentle touch of the sunlight made me feel warm and moved. Suddenly the thought came to me that indeed I have no greater wish than what I am doing now. Perhaps the elves have already granted all my wishes: I am doing what I love and getting paid for it. What more could I ask for?

The poet Rumi said: “Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.”

Speaking of Rumi, I have to make a special mention of one patient who came to visit us last week.

We call him Professor A, a retired doctor of literature who previously specialized in the study of the Persian poet Rumi.

This professor is a very special man; elegant, knowledgeable, and genuine. Both Dr. Wang and I adore him, and whenever he comes, a little excitement stirs in the clinic, even though he is old enough to be our father.

When we asked him how old he was, he smiled and replied: "I am in my 30s, for I only count daytime. I sleep through the nights, so why count them?”

The professor loved his wife deeply, but unfortunately, she died quite a few years ago and he has been living as a widower. I asked him if he felt lonely, but he said no; although he misses his wife dearly, he believes her soul often accompanies him. Not only is he not lonely, he said, he sees every day as a joy and a blessing.

He asked, "Do you want to know how I have dinner every day? In the evenings I am all by myself; I turn off the lights, light a candle, and pour a glass of red wine. In my comfy attire I am seated by my little table. On the table are flowers freshly picked from the yard; the candlelight flickering mysteriously in the darkness. I take my time to eat my meal. By the way, I am a vegetarian - all the dishes I cook are organic and fresh.  I take a sip of my wine as I munch my favorite food, hah, aren’t I a happy prince?"

I giggled, "Professor A, are you imagining that you are a prince?"

"No," he said seriously, "I am not imagining that I am a prince. I am a prince. Although I am not a particularly rich man, I have everything I need in life. If I do not qualify as a prince, who else could?"

Before leaving, I said to him: “Dear Professor A, how interesting it is to talk with you! Can I include what you told to us into my Whispering of Willows?”

He replied with hearty chuckle: “Why not? Maybe I will become a celebrity because of this. And who knows if the next day, when I open the door, oh my Lord, a long line of young and beautiful girls are waiting for me outside!”

The professor's attitude towards life reminds me of another scene I witnessed during the two weeks before my father passed, when I was in the hospital taking care of him. Not far from his ward lived a senior lady, to whom I had never spoken. Every evening when the hospital delivered her meal, I saw her have someone move her tiny dining table to the corridor, where she sat and dined. A white napkin was tied around her neck, in her hands were a dinner knife and fork; holding her posture upright, she was completely focused on enjoying her meal, her silver hair and the black tableware in sharp contrast.

This was the intensive care unit, and the corridor was not spacious. Around her were doctors or nurses with hastened footsteps, or visiting family members, hearts laden with fear and worries. However, this lady paid no attention to the surroundings, completely ignoring the sideways glances from curious onlookers. Her elegance, confidence and pride made her look like a queen relishing a banquet made just for her.

At that time, I thought: It’s extraordinary that this seriously ill senior can enjoy life so calmly and gracefully.

After bidding farewell to Professor A that day, I couldn't help but think: Is there a different kind of happiness; a kind of abundance, and a kind of elegance that exist in this world? It must  already reside deep in our hearts; we don't need to look outside for it at all, because it is already there. What we need to do is: express it in the best way we can; bringing it out directly and vividly right in front of our eyes, just like the two seniors I mentioned.

Patients often ask me: “Dr. Anna, why do I always crave junk food, even though I know they are harmful? Can you please help me lose some weight?”

I sometimes tell them bluntly: There are several different "deficiencies" in Traditional Chinese Medicine: Qi deficiency, Blood deficiency and Spirit deficiency. If you are deficient in qi, you will find that you are not energetic enough; if you are deficient in blood, you will have heart function problems, including insomnia, or itchy skin, etc.; if you are deficient in spirit, you will be restless and have a kind of void sensation in your heart, as if an emptiness is there making you inexplicably hungry and thirsty. Not being sure why you are hungry and thirsty, you will try to fill those voids by stuffing yourself with high-calorie foods. In fact, what you need to do most at this time is to reflect – reflect on your life and observe what that void you are experiencing might be. If you are serious about healing, you have no choice but to try to find meaning in all the life events you are experiencing, such as loss, trauma, frustration, and pain. You have to learn to rekindle the flame of your passion for life.

No passion means no happiness, and no fulfillment ever.

Yes, life is indeed not easy. Especially during the last a few years, life has been terribly difficult for many people and families. How many have lost family members or loved ones? How many suffer from life-threatening diseases? How many families struggle to survive due to the severe economic recession? How many children growing up in pain and in broken families? How many had to face separation, violence and even war? How many are left shattered by grief, or have fallen into an abyss of despair?

All these are brutal reality and there is no escape. Those of us who are relatively more fortunate must have a soft heart and overflowing compassion, endeavouring to help those less fortunate, walk through their troubles.

If you are one of those in deplorable circumstances, I suggest you live as fully as possible in your personal circumstances like the above two seniors. If you observe carefully, you will find that no matter what era you are in, no one's life is perfect. Some people may appear prosperous and successful on the surface, but you haven't seen the thorns they walked through in the dark, and the tears they shed along the way.

Traditional Chinese Medicine says: Fear harms the kidneys, anger, the liver, and sadness, the lungs. But don’t you think these all stem from life’s deprivations, whether we are talking about fear, or anger, or sadness? But who is doing the depriving? Professor A could sit in front of the TV, sad and eat junk food, but he chose to live life fully.

In summery, in order to be healthy and happy, through your choices, you must constantly adjust the weather inside your body. At any time, even in the darkest and loneliest times, you have to create your happiness, joy and enthusiasm for life for yourself, just like those two beautiful senior people I talked about earlier.

As Rumi said:

Do not sit long with a sad friend.

When you go to a garden,

do you look at thorns or flowers?

Spend more time with roses and jasmine.