朋友——交友标准，以及我现在的朋友

Susan著 小哭译

许多人问过我“交朋友这事儿困难吗？”。以前我真的没有怎么认真地思考过这个问题，我只是耸耸肩说“不，没那么难。我有许多的朋友。”现在我有时间来思考一下这个问题了，我发现友谊要么存在于我和某人之间，要么就不存在。不存在着什么保靠的办法去“制造”朋友。这件事儿即依着我也同样地依着别人而定。因此得到真正的友谊很难。因为搬了这么多的家，我一直以为交朋友有点难。别的每一个人都已经有了他们自己的、一起长大的朋友圈了。而我在13年后一出现，就想挤入一个已经紧密联系着的小组中的话，难，每一次都难。

幸运的是，上帝一直赐福于我，给了我一个亲切可爱的性格（如果我太自负了，请告诉我）。虽然对我来说交到亲密的朋友很困难，但我没有敌人。认识我的人多数会说我是一个不错的人。如果我被分配为他们课题的合作伙伴，他们不会不开心。我确信有几个人还会非常地高兴，因为我是一个相当聪明的人，我也不介意帮助那些没有我聪明的人（再说一次，我是不是太自负了？）。

我想说，很多人都认为我是一个善良、聪明的好人这事儿没啥问题吧。可那也不会让我能更容易地交到知已。虽然我能很容易地就能控制好自己在公众面前的形象和地位，但我无法控制亲密的友谊。我不能将它“制造”（译者注：交朋友的“交”在英文中也有“制造”的意思）出来。亲密的友情需要两（或多）个人有相似性、有相似的思维方式。这就要求与一场友谊涉及到的人要相互信任、把彼此看做同类。因为我不觉得很多人和我是同类，所以交到亲密的朋友就难。我并不是觉得他们比我低。我只是觉得他们和我是完全不同类型的人，有些人我根本就无法和他们建立起联系。亲密的友谊需要时间，要有时间才能找到可以建立起联系的人，要有时间才能真正地和他们在一起并联系起来。

再说一次，幸运降临到了我的头上。我在新学校HMS甚至都没用上一年的时间，我就发现自己已经有一个朋友圈了。我们全都可以彼此联系。我们喜欢很多同一类的事情，我们有着几乎相同的价值观。我们都是相当善良的人，虽然我认为我比他们更开朗一些。那也是为什么我还有许多亲密朋友圈以外的朋友的原因。唯一的问题是，我比他们更成熟一点（这次我不只是表扬自己。甚至他们自己也承认如此）。所以，有时，我对某些事情的反应和他们不同。好了，我不能想要所有的东西，我为我所拥有的感到知足。

八年级确实是可以和我的朋友们有更多联系的时段。我可以更加地了解他们，他们也可以更加地了解我，我们可以在一起度过开心快乐的时光。我和HP一起上很多课（虽然，有点伤心，多数的课程我们不能坐在一起），我和HP还有XR等一群人在午饭时坐在一起，所以我们有很多机会在一起说话。这里不象中国那样，学生有课间休息，他们可以在那时和朋友们说说话。在这里，如果我想和我的朋友们在学校说话，我只能在午饭的时候或者在课堂上当我们没事儿做的时候才行。

我想，HP和XR以前是最好的朋友。现在我加入了这个群体，HP正在和我越来越亲密，我有点害怕XR会嫉妒。不是我不喜欢她，正相反，我喜欢，我非常地喜欢她。只是HP和我比和XR更相似。我们喜欢同一类型的男生（书里的，不是现实生活中的。不像很多女生和他们的女朋友那样，我们根本不谈论男生。），我们有着同样的幽默，我们有着同样的思维。今年，我和HP一起上很多课，所以我们正变得越来越亲密。

我和我的这组朋友们有着许多的开心时刻，到目前为止，我和他们成为朋友才只有半年的时间。令我惊讶的是，我是这群人里最搞笑的一个。通常都是我逗得他们大笑，特别是能把HP逗笑。我从没觉得自己是这么一个有趣的人。可能是因为这以前，我根本没有遇着合适的听众吧。

我们相互交流的另一个时间是发电子邮件的时候。每天我们发五到十次电子邮件。除了要用到计算机这一点之外（因为我们没有手机），电子邮件对我们来说，就和发短信对于多数的女孩子们来说一样。我们谈论重要的事情（生日聚会，家庭作业），和一些随时想起来的并不重要的话题（哪个漫画中的男生更棒啦，谁比谁更巴嘎（日语笨蛋的意思）啦，还有谁的笑脸更好看啦：我的和HP的）。我常常告诉他们我看过的电影和读过的书，尽力把他们更多地带到“美国”社会里。迄今为止，我已经非常成功地将HP变成了洛基（哦，洛基……晕倒，译者注：洛基是电影“托尔”里的人物）的大粉丝。XR这个星期会看“托尔”，但是我不觉得她会如我和HP一样地喜欢洛基。她真不是那种喜欢黑暗和危险的类型，她是那种更喜欢可爱和讨人喜欢的东西的那种类型。

朋友很重要。和他们在一起我可以做我自己，我觉得被接受。我不用担心他们被我的疯劲儿骚扰了。我们真的相当疯狂。我和HP曾经有过这样疯狂的争论：谁的笑脸更好看。她的笑脸是那种可爱讨喜的动画类型，而我的是朴素的眼睛脸，滑稽类型。到现在为止，我们已经在所有老师的白板（老师同意了）和彼此的笔记本上画过了。截至目前，我认为是我在赢。但是结果还在变化中。

我确实因着我的朋友们很高兴。他们完美吗？不。但是……我完美吗？不。所以扯平了。他们接受我， 我接受他们，我们在一起很开心。那就是朋友的样子。忠诚，接纳，并且在某个人做出错误决定时会有人捅捅她指出来正确的方向。我真的感谢上帝，给了我这样好的一群朋友。找到合适的人成为朋友很难，但却很值得。我愿意说，我不能希望有比这些更好的朋友了，但是事实上，我能希望。如我所说，他们不是完美的。但是他们已经足够好了。不，他们不仅仅是足够好了，他们已经很棒了。我真的很高兴有他们在我身边，一起度过初中阶段最后也是最难的一年。这对于我们所有的人来说都将是一次不同寻常的经历。

【小哭介绍背景】自从接手Susan，我就关心她的社交能力。我是一个没有朋友就觉得生活失去了色彩的人，因为住过很多城市，待过很多单位，所以有机会结交很多朋友。加上性格外向，喜欢新事物，所以从民工到司机、从学生到院士、从秘书到厅级处级，形形色色三六九等的人我都能跟人家搭上话，交上或深或浅的朋友，找到在新环境中的归属感。我很在乎这个归属感，这会让我觉得更安全、更自在。

于是我就这样看Susan的生活，我觉得她也应该结交一些朋友。可不同的是，我是上大学后才有机会东走西走的，她却是一生下来就跟着爹娘走南闯北的。这年纪不同带来的结果就非常地不同，她的生活轨迹竟然是没有朋友！而且，还能行！！这在我看来，绝对是不正常的；可是这在Susan爸眼里，完全正常。Susan爸最精典的一句话是：小哭你不要以为人人都跟你似的，没有朋友就活不起一样滴。

不管怎么说，我还是按照我的理解，帮她搞活动，让她有机会结交朋友。但是说实话，她对朋友的感觉不是很强烈，没有朋友的时候，她没有觉得一定要有；但是她喜欢外界新鲜事物，她说过一句小宝前阵子也说过的话：还能再去哪玩玩吗？去哪玩都行，只要不是家的地方就行。她的好奇心还是挺强的，但是对友谊的需求却不强。

来美国后，慢慢地，她好像从没有发育好变得发育了，她开始有了对朋友的渴望，发展到现在，我觉得她对亲密朋友的渴望还很强烈了。这篇作文是一个月以前写的，今天晚上我们俩针对她的那些具体的朋友，比如她午饭桌上的女孩子们逐一分析，我发现她现在并没有真正算得上知已的朋友。她问我，她内心对某些人的评价并不高，是不是她不好？我明确地说不是！她应该有内心里真正的想法，但并不一定要当面指出别人的缺点让人难堪。有的人和自己不投缘，但并不一定就要成为敌人。朋友也是分很多个层次和很多个阶段的，人生就是这么一个阶段推向一个阶段的，我们与朋友的友谊有的会越来深，有的则会越来越淡，不要纠结这些事儿。好好享受和朋友们在一起的欢乐时光就好！不管怎么说，身边有一群还算过得去的朋友，就好过一个人。至少，午餐的时候，没有一桌人欢迎你加入，那种孤单的感觉更可怕！至于密友，那也真的是可遇不可求。有句话不是说了吗——“人生得一知已足以”。

我很想告诉Susan，物以类聚，人以群分，你不提高自我，就算是遇到你欣赏的人，都没有办法做朋友以。可是，我想还是等她有一天发现这个规律后再谈。她问我有没有象她那样的一些朋友，我说有，我有的朋友类型可比你的多多了。我也不觉得他们完美，我也知道自己有毛病，可是，我觉得这不妨碍交朋友。但是说到知已，却也不多。不过如果要是我只能选择一个朋友，我想我会选择那个最关心我的一双儿女的人，虽然我和她不是一个类型，可是我觉得我们最互补：）我说现在妈妈找到了一个和自己极其相似的好朋友，但是太相似会出现一个问题，在错误的方向上，朋友并不会及时地帮你调整，所以，可能互补型的还是更好。但是有一个前提，就是真正的密友，其实是在同一个层次上才有可能的。这个层次，我给Susan解释了半天，她最后觉得真的是那么回事儿啊！简直和她现在的感受太一致了。她说有一个很好的女生，可是在她眼里根本就没有长大，她说每一次深入的交谈之后，都让她觉得很郁闷，我说那就是无法成为密友的一类，但是和她保持在一定深度上的友谊，也还是令人很愉快的一件事儿啊。她同意，并且很高兴于妈妈那么理解她：）嘿嘿，能够和女儿在一些重要问题上共鸣，感觉是相当地愉快呢！

附上英文原文:

Friends-my standards for friends, and my current ones

A lot of people have asked me “Is it hard to make friends?”. I haven’t really considered this question properly before, I just shrugged and said “No, not really. I have lots of friends”. Now that I have time to think about it, I’ve came to the conclusion that friendship is either something that’s possible between me and someone, or it’s not possible. There’s really no guranteed way to “make” friends. It depends as much on the other person as it depends on myself. That’s what makes good friendships hard to come by. Having moved so much, I supposed it was a bit hard for me to make friends. Everyone else already had their own group of friends that they grew up together with. Showing up thirteen years after everyone else and trying to squeeze my way into an already tight-knit group was hard, every time.

Fortunately, God has blessed me with a very likable personality (if I’m being too vain, tell me). Though it might’ve been hard for me to make close friends, I don’t have any enemies. Most of the people that knows me would say I’m an alright person, that if I was assigned their partners for a projects, they wouldn’t be unhappy. I’m sure a few people would be pretty happy, since I’m a fairly smart person and I don’t mind helping people who aren’t as smart as me (again, am I being too vain?).

I think it’s safe to say that most people think I’m a nice, smart, and good person. That doesn’t make it any easier for me to make close friends, though. Although public image and reputation I can control easily, close friendships I can’t control. I can’t “make” it happen. Close friendship requires two (or more) people to have similarities, to have a similar way of thinking. It requires the people involved in the friendship to trust eachother, and see eachother as equals. It has been hard to form close friends, because I don’t see many people as my equals. I don’t see them as lower than me either. I just see them as a totally different type of person as I am, somebody I can not connect to at all. Close friendship takes time. Time to find people I can connect to, and time to actually bond and connect to them.

Again, luck has came my way, and after spending not evey a year at my new school, HMS, I have found myself my own circle of friends. We can totally connect to eachother. We like most of the same things, and we have almost the same values. And we’re all fairly nice people, though I think I’m more outgoing than them, which is why I have a lot of other friends aside from my close friends. The only problem is, I’m a bit more mature than them (I am not merely complimenting myself this time. They even admitted it themselves.). So, sometimes, my reactions to some things are different from theirs. Oh well, I can’t expect to have everything, and I’m happy for what I have.

8^th grade is a really great time to connect more with my friends. I can learn more about them, they can learn more about me, and we can have fun together. I have a lot of classes with HP (though, sadly, we don’t sit next to eachother for most of them), and I sit with HP and XR and the bunch at lunch, so we have lost of chances to talk to eachother. It’s not like in China, where people get breaks in between the periods, so they can talk to their friends then. If I want to talk to my friends during school, I would have to talk to them at lunch or during class time when we’re not doing anything.

Before, HP and XR used to be best friends, I think. Now that I’ve joined the bunch, HP is becoming really close friends with me, and I’m a kind of afraid XR might get jealous. It’s not that I don’t like her, I do, a lot. It’s just that HP is more similar to me than XR. We like the same type of guys (In books, not in real life. Unlike most girls and their girlfriends, we haven’t talked about guys at all.), we have the same type of humor, and we think the same way. This year, I have so many classes with HP, so we’re becoming even closer friends.

I’ve had so many fun experiences with my group of friends, and so far, we’ve only been friends for half a year. To my surprise, I’m the funniest person in the bunch. I’m usually the one that makes everyone laugh, especially HP. I’ve never considered myself to be funny before. Maybe it’s because I’ve never met the right audience, until now.

Another time we talk with eachother is through e-mail. We message eachother about five to ten times per day. E-mail to us is like texting to most girls, except for the fact that it’s on the computer (since we don’t have a phone). We talk about important stuff (birthday parties, homework), and random unimportant stuff (which anime guy is more awesome, who’s more of a baka (that’s Japanese for idiot) than the other, and who’s smiley face is better: mine or HP’s). I often tell them about movies and books I’ve watched and read, in my attemps to bring them deeper into American society. So far, I have been very successful in making HP a huge fan of Loki (oh Loki…swoon). XR is going watch Thor this week, but I don’t think she’ll like Loki as much as HP and I. She’s not really the type for dark and dangerous guys, she’s more of the type for cute and adorable stuff.

Friends are important. I can be myself with them, and feel accepted. I don’t have to worry about them being annoyed at my craziness. We’re all pretty crazy. Me and HP have this really crazy argument going on: who’s smiley face is better. Her smiley face is a cute and adorable anime one, while mine is a simple glasses-face, comic style. So far, we’ve drawn all over teachers’ whiteboards (with their permission) and over eachother’s notebooks. I think I’m winning, as of now. But that can change.

I’m really glad about my friends. Are they perfect? No. But… am I perfect? No. So it evens out. They accept me, I accept them, and we can have fun together. That’s what friends are about. Loyalty, acceptance, and a occasion nudge in the right direction should one of us start making the wrong decisions. I really thank God for giving me such great friends. It’s been hard, finding the right people to be friends with, but it’s been well worth it. I would like to say I can’t wish for better friends than these, but actually, I can. As I had said, they’re not perfect. But they’re good enough. No, they’re not just good enough, they’re amazing. I’m really glad I have them by my side. Together, the last and hardest year of middle school would be a great experience for all of us.