青柳診所手記55

秋天悄悄來臨了，樹上掛滿了即將成熟的果子，園子裡芳香四溢，蜜蜂和鳥兒從樹枝間穿來穿去。

園裡的果樹幾乎全都是阿里醫生種的，而他總是把最甜的果子留給我們品嘗，他自己卻只挑那些掉在地上的或者有蟲眼的吃。我和大師兄兩年前也種了一棵藍莓樹、一棵櫻桃樹和一棵蘋果樹。藍莓今年大豐收，櫻桃也結了一大把又甜又紅的果子，而那棵矮矮的蘋果樹上呢，有四個大大的蘋果在發着神秘的光彩。

疫情後很多人都有精神層面的問題，焦慮和抑鬱的患病率明顯增加。

患者C來找我們治療，她的主訴就是憂鬱症。她見了心理治療師多年了並且一直在吃抗憂鬱藥，但似乎效果越來越不明顯。她的身體總是很痛，有時還得靠吸大麻來止痛。她來找我們，也是希望我們幫她緩解身體的疼痛。

有一次我給她治完了，我去園子裡幹活，她在後面跟着我。

我說，“啊，要照顧好一個園子可不是一件容易的事。以前我覺得最煩人的是拔草。它們可真夠倔強的，只要有一點點泥土就發瘋般地生長。我拔了又拔，總是沒有辦法把它們拔乾淨。其實，憂慮何嘗不也是一種野草？”

“可不是嘛，”C苦笑着說，”它們拔了又長、長了又拔，從來就沒有消停過。”

她告訴我，大多數時候，她憂鬱的心情不過如陽光下的一片烏雲，晃蕩一下也就過去了，並不會留下太多的痕跡。可是，心情煩悶到極點的時候就不一樣了。那時，她會懷疑一切嘲弄一切，大有要破罐子破甩的趨勢。然而，這種驟起的颶風一樣的心情，卻不是陽光下的一片雲，飄過去就沒事了，而是颶風過去，到處可見破壞的痕跡，要重回以前，總得小心彌補損失，而且每一次都比上一次花的精力要多。

“我不大懂憂鬱症，”我說，“我不是心理學家，但是，我現在對該如何對付野草有一點經驗了。除非它們長得夠多夠高有些喧賓奪主了，不然我都懶得拔它們了。”

“哦，為什麼呢？”

“因為我意識到了野草是拔不盡的，而如果我過多地關注它們，往往就忽略了我種植的草藥、花卉和果樹了。我覺得還是把時間花在我喜歡的事情上划算。當我們種的那些植物們長得越來越生機勃勃時，我發現那些野草也有些俯首稱臣放慢增長的速度了。憂鬱症是不是也可以這樣對待呢？如果憂愁宛如野草，你不想要它，就多種一點你喜歡的東西好了。”

C驚訝地看着我，“安娜醫生，你很幽默啊。可是，我每天疲於奔命，根本沒有閒工夫去種花草。況且我住在一個小公寓裡，我就是想種也沒有地方種呀。”

“你不用去種花草，你多去做一些你喜歡做的事情，那就是在種植快樂啊，親愛的C，”我說。“你看阿里醫生就是這樣，他每天都在園子裡耕耘，卻很少花精力去拔草。結果呢，現在滿園都是香氣撲鼻的果子。那些野草還在那裡嗎？還在。不過，這有什麼關係呢，誰會去注意它們呢？每個人走進這園子，他們看到的都是令人垂涎的果實，而不是那些不起眼的野草啊。”

C似有所悟，許久沒有說話。

我繼續說：“C，我親愛的朋友，就如一首老歌唱的那樣，淚水和笑聲總是攜手漫步。人生就如這溫哥華的天氣，時晴時雨。院子裡鮮花和野草並存，這也是一種平衡啊。”

那天陽光真好，C主動幫我摘藍莓。我們倆都摘了滿滿的一塑料袋子。臨走時她說：“我以前要是像現在這樣彎腰幹活，我的腰早就應該痛得直不起來了。奇怪，今天卻一點兒也不疼，這是什麼原因啊，安娜醫生？”

我笑了，說，“我曾在一個寺廟裡遇到一個朝聖的老婦，她看上去很胖，走路時腿也顯得不大利索。那是一個有月光的晚上，她在廟門口鞠了一躬，然後在寺廟的冰冷的石階上跪下來禮佛。我躲在樹後面觀望了她好久，她在堅硬的石頭上拜了又跪跪了又拜，眼淚在她蒼老的臉上流淌，她的唇上卻又掛着一絲笑意。她在那裡拜了好幾個小時。我都驚呆了，那麼大年紀的一個人，怎麼可能有這麼好的腰力呢？說來說去還是一個願力啊。”

“如果我禮的不是佛又是什麼呢？”C輕聲問，然後又指一下天空，“或許是那軟軟的暖暖的陽光吧，我感覺它有一種神奇的讓人振奮的力量。”

C的臉色又陰沉下來，她嘆了口氣，“安娜醫生，我經常感覺身心俱疲。如果有靈魂的話，我想它也是倦怠的。有時我想，我怎麼會頹廢到這個地步呢？或者我天生就有缺陷？我出生後不久，父親就突然去世，留下母親帶着我們在困境中掙扎。現在我長大了，我也明白，在當時那種情況下，母親已經盡力了。可是，我總是記得在我六歲生日那天，母親上班去了，我等了一整天盼着她回家。她一進門，我就撲進她的懷裡，害羞地問：‘媽媽，我的生日禮物呢？’ 她一把把我推開，氣沖沖地朝我喊道：‘什麼禮物？你這個沒用的東西！我但願你從未出生過！’我的心碎了，我想從那以後我就再也沒有正常過。”

C抽泣了一會兒，目光漸漸看向遠方。

我輕聲說道：“C，你知道，就連一些野草也是草藥。你的痛苦來源於你的靈魂想要你放慢腳步，開始療愈你自己。它不認為你接近崩潰，恰恰相反，它認為你現在有足夠的勇氣讓自己變得強大、開始踏上你的療愈之旅。”

我們聊天的時候，太陽已經驅散了殘存的烏雲，一抹粉色的光線掠過了天空。我注意到陽光照亮了C的臉龐和眼眸，也照亮了一隻嗡嗡飛過的蜜蜂的纖細翅膀，露珠在我們身邊的葉子上熠熠發亮。

我覺得C已經走在好轉的路上了，而這，並不僅僅是針灸在起作用。

Whispering of Willows 55

By Dr. Anna Zhao

Autumn has quietly arrived, and the trees in the clinic garden are laden with ripening fruit. The garden is filled with fragrance; bees and birds are flitting among the branches.

Dr. Ali planted almost all the fruit trees in the garden, and yet he always saves the sweetest fruit for us to enjoy, while he himself eats only those that have fallen to the ground or have been bitten by worms. Two years ago, Dr. Daniel and I planted a blueberry tree, a cherry tree, and an apple tree. The blueberry had quite a harvest this year, the cherry tree has also yielded a large handful of sweet, red fruit, and on the stout apple tree, four large apples are gleaming mysteriously.

Since the pandemic, we have seen more people experiencing mental health issues, with a significant increase in the prevalence of anxiety and depression.

C came to us for treatment, with her primary complaint being depression. She had been seeing a psychotherapist for years and taking antidepressants, but they seemed to be losing their effectiveness. She suffered constant pain, sometimes resorting to smoking marijuana for pain relief. She came to us, hoping we could help relieve her physical suffering. Once, after I finished treating her, I went to work in the garden, and she followed me.

As we wandered, I talked, "Ah, taking care of a garden is no easy task. I used to find the weeds the most annoying. They're so stubborn, growing like crazy wherever there is a little bit of soil. I pulled and pulled, but I could never eradicate them. “

Then I added, “Ah, C, isn't worry or depression like a weed to you sometimes?"

"That's right," C responded with a wry smile. "They keep growing, growing, and growing again, never stopping."

She told me that most of the time, her melancholy was like a dark cloud shielding the sun, fleeting and passing without leaving much of a mark. But when her depression grew in strength, it was different. Then, she would doubt and mock everything, as if she was approaching the end of the world. However, this sudden, hurricane-like feeling was not like a fleeting cloud soon to pass away. Instead, after the hurricane, traces of damage remained visible everywhere. To return to where she started, C felt forced to expend so much time and energy focused on the problems, with each successive incident requiring more energy and time than the previous one.

"I don't know much about depression," I said. "I'm not a psychologist, but I have some experience dealing with weeds. The weeds quietly and sneakily intrude into our garden, but you know, I seldom even try to pull them out anymore unless they are taking over part of our garden. “

"Oh, why is that?"

"Because I've realized that weeds are inevitable, and if I focus too much on them, I tend to neglect my herbs, flowers, and fruit trees. I think it's more worthwhile to spend my limited time and energy on what I enjoy. As our plants have grown more and more vibrant, I notice that the weeds have slowed down their growth. Can depression be treated the same way? If worries are like a weed, and you don't want it around, why don’t you just plant more of what really pleases you?"

C looked at me in surprise. "Dr. Anna, you're very humorous. But I'm so busy every day making ends meet that I don't have the time to plant anything. Besides, I live in a small apartment, so even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have anywhere to plant."

"You don't have to plant flowers, C. Do more of what builds you up—that's how you plant happiness, dear C," I emphasized. "Look at what Dr. Ali does! He toils in the garden every day, but rarely we see him putting any effort into weeding. As a result, the garden is now laden with fragrant fruit. Are those weeds still there? Yes, they are. But what does it matter? Who would pay attention to them? Everyone who enters this garden sees the beautiful flowers and scrumptious fruit, not those insignificant weeds."

C was silent so I went on: “My dear friend, like the weather, you will have days that are bright and sunny. But, as the old song says, teardrops and laughter go through the world hand in hand. Like the plants in the garden, we require balance.”

C seemed to understand and remained silent for a long time.

It was a beautiful day, and C offered to help me pick blueberries. We both picked a full plastic bag. Before leaving, she said, "If I'd bent over like this to work before, my back would have been aching terribly and I would have difficulty to straighten it. It's strange, but today it doesn't hurt at all. What's the reason, Dr. Anna?"

I smiled and said, "One moonlight night, I watched a very plump old woman walk unsteadily to a Buddhist temple. I hid behind a tree and watched her for a time. She bowed briefly at the entrance, then walked further in to kneel and worship on the hard cold stone for several hours, tears running on her cheeks, but a smile on her lips.  I was stunned. How could someone that old have such great strength? I suppose, it must have something to do with her focus on what works for her happiness."

"If I'm not a follower of Buddha, then what else could work?" C mused softly. She then pointed to the sky, "For me, maybe it's the soft, warm sunlight. I feel it has a magical, uplifting power."

C’s countenance darkened and she sighed again, “Dr. Anna, often I have felt so broken, every part of me, my body, my mind, and my spirit; if there is such a thing as spirit. Sometimes I wonder how I remain so broken or if I was born defective…  Soon after my birth, my father died suddenly leaving my mother in such difficulty. My adult heart knows mother did the best she could in such a situation. However, I still remember on my sixth birthday, I waited all day for my mother to return home from work, and as soon as she appeared at the door, I jumped into her arms and asked shyly, ‘Where is my birthday gift, Mommy? ’ She pushed me away and stared angrily into my eyes, ‘What gift, you useless thing! I wish you had never been born!’ I instantly felt broken to pieces, and I suppose I haven’t been right since.”

C sobbed and trailed off looking into the distance.

I spoke softly, “C, even some weeds can be herbal medicine, you know? Your pain could be your soul wanting you to slow down and begin healing yourself. Far from being weak or broken, your body/mind/spirit see you as strong enough to undertake this journey at this time.”

As we were chatting, a pink glow spread across the vast sky as the sun chased the remaining dark clouds away. I noticed the sunlight was glinting both on C’s face and in her eyes, as well as on the tiny wings of a bee that buzzed past. The dew on the blades of nearby plants sparkled like diamonds.

I think C is on the road to recovery, and it's not only from the effect of our acupuncture.