An Old Friend Lost and Found

Brian, one of my Ex-s, told me that, he recently had a reunion with a few of his college classmates. During the gathering, Will, one of his buddies, asked about me.

Oh, Will, did he really ask about me? I was very surprised.

“What did he say?” I was a bit nervous.
“He said he had always thought highly about you.” Brian answered.

Really? It was hard to believe what I heard.

Will used to be a very special friend of mine, and I thought I had lost him for good.

Will was the one who first recommended The Horse Whisperer to me many years ago. He was also the one who suggested that I should watch Good Will Hunting.

I knew him long before I actually met him.

Will came to the US with a full scholarship right after finishing his undergraduate from a top university in China. Brian told me that Will married a girl from his hometown, a beautiful eastern city in China, before going to the U.S. Some relative of Will introduced the girl to him. The girl held only a community college degree, but she had relatives living oversea. At that time, a crazy nationwide policy just came out stating that, except for sent by the government, Chinese were not allowed to go abroad for education unless they had direct or indirect relatives oversea.

She couldn’t go to the U.S. on her own, and he couldn’t go to the U.S. without her oversea relatives. They didn’t date too long before getting married. Soon after, Will left China and his newly wedded wife joined him in the U.S. as an F-2 a few months later.

Will left many GRE related books for Brian and encourage him also pursuing education abroad. On the cover page of one book, I found Will’s handwriting: “Where there is a will, there is a way.”

Will contacted Brian regularly. E-mail was not available back then. Will wrote letters to Brian periodically. Once a while, Will also attached some of his pictures. Brian shared all these letters with me. I was often impressed and moved by his beautiful writing and deep thoughts behind the words. Although I had never talked to or met with him then, I already considered him as a very good friend.

When Brian and I finally decided to come to the U.S., Will already finished his first master program and moved to a top university pursuing his Ph.D. degree. Will gave us tremendous help and encouragement during our painful process of preparing for tests and applying for schools. Brian and I basically followed Will’s footprints and each received a full scholarship offer from Will’s first school.

Brian and I decided to pay Will a visit during our first spring break. We flew to his city and he was waiting for us at the airport when we arrived. He was a lanky and decent-looking guy, about 6 feet tall. Although it was the first time we met each other, we felt like old friends at first sight.

On the way to Will’s apartment, three of us chatted, joked, and laughed loudly in his car. When we passed a court building in the downtown area, Will pointed to it and said in kind of a casual way: “This is the place where she and I got divorced.” Silence suddenly filled the car.

Later in his place, I came cross a picture of his ex-wife in an album. She was a very pretty girl. I didn’t dare to ask anything. Brian told me before, Will did sincerely care for his ex-wife and they initially had some great time together before she met a white guy and left.

During our whole 5-day visit, Will let us take over his room and his queen size bed. He spent all the nights squeezing his long body into a couch in the living room.

Will had a very busy schedule but he spent every minute he could squeeze with us. When he was showing us around his campus, I saw an interesting sculpture in the distance. I asked Will: “Is that a real one from Moore?”

Will raised his eyebrows: “You know Moore? It is indeed from Moore!”

Brian was confused: “What Moore?”

“Henry Moore, a great sculptor, died not that many years ago.” I explained.

“You must be a museum-goer.” Will said.

“I do love visiting museums.” I admitted, “But Moore’s style is so distinguished that it is almost impossible to mix his with others’.”

During the last day of our stay, Brian and I planned to visit the city’s fine art museum, one of the best in the country. Will said he would go with us.

“We will spend the WHOLE day there. It is going to be boring and extremely tiring.” I tried to stop him, “you know - many people dread visiting museums.”

“Not me. I have been to that one several times.” Will smiled, “and I am wearing comfortable shoes.”

Will drove us up to the museum and three of us had a wonderful day together.

On the way to airport, a sharp stomach pain suddenly hit me and I felt the urge to go No. 2. I felt a bit embarrassed and tried to hold it without saying a word. But it became more and more unbearable. I sat at the back row and twisted my body to cope with the discomfort. Will started to speed after noticing my unusual silence and seeing my expression from the mirror.

It seemed like the road would never end. The turnpike had no exit at all before reaching the airport. Will kept talking jokes, hoping to distract my mind from the suffering. But when I laughed at his jokes, the pain became sharper. Eventually, I had to beg him to stop talking. At the end, everybody was holding breath and counting seconds, as if the World War III was at the edge of breaking out.

Thank God! Here came the terminal (and the bathroom)!

When I finally got out of the bathroom with a big smile on my face, Brian and Will laughed their heads off.

We gave each other warm hugs and said good-bye.

Will became a real friend to me since then. When he called Brian, he would also talk to me for a while. Occasionally, we might call up or send e-mails to each other directly. During that period, he finished his Ph.D. and landed a great job in another city, which was even further away from where we lived. His mother introduced him to another girl from his hometown. This time, the girl was well educated, at the same time really sweet and innocent. They got married, and soon she came to the U.S., not as an F-2, but an F-1 with full scholarship.

We were so happy for him and expected to extend our friendship from three people to two couples. The dream never came true though, because Brian and I broke up abruptly.

We held the news from them as long as we could. After using up all the excuses, Brian simply notified Will the result of our break-up without offering any details. I understood Brian’s reservation, because I was the one who decided to leave.

Brian and I remained good friends despite the heartbreaking split. But Will and I didn’t communicate at all for quite a while, until the time for my honeymoon.

My husband and I had planned a long trip for our honeymoon, and Will’s city happened to be one of the destinations.

I asked Brian whether I should/could see Will during the trip. Brian said the decision should be completely up to Will and me.

I called Will up and told him about the coming trip. I didn’t dare to mention that it actually would be my honeymoon trip. I didn’t even tell him that I already got married.

His response was warm and friendly as always. He promised that he would buy me a wonderful dinner when I came.

In the evening of our scheduled dinner, I waited for Will alone in the lobby of the hotel. My husband showed his understanding and agreed to stay in the hotel alone for that evening.

When Will’s car pulled over, I found that he came alone without his wife. Will explained that his wife was held up by something back home.

I was a little disappointed because I was expecting to meet his wife in person. At the same time, I felt somehow released. It might be better this way since the topic of our conversation might be private and sensitive.

He drove a long way before we finally arrived at a busy Szechuan restaurant - he knew that I was a big fan of spicy food. We got a small table at a quite corner. I didn’t bother to read the menu and let Will make all the decisions.

Honestly, I had no clue what we ate that night. Our table was occupied by variety of beautiful dishes, all looking delicious. But I barely touched them because my mind was not in eating at all.

We kept talking, talking, and talking… After touching upon every possible general topic, we inevitably reached the key question: WHY? Why did I leave Brian?

I knew I owed Will an explanation, and that was the purpose for this dinner.

“It was my fault.” I said, “I fell in love with another man.”

Will didn’t look surprised. He must have already suspected that. He didn’t say a word, waiting for me to continue.

What I just said was still the result, not the reason, I knew.

I had no reservation in front of Will. I did most of the talking for the rest of the evening. He didn’t say much except for asking some questions here and there. He seemed understanding throughout the conversation. At the end, I finally felt all right to tell him about my recent marriage and this honeymoon trip.

He was shocked. It took him a while to digest the news. Then he said: “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? We should have brought your husband along tonight.”

“I have his picture in my wallet. Do you want to have a look?”

“Maybe later.” He backed off, “after the meal.”

He never mentioned the picture again; neither did he suggest meeting my husband later that night after he drove me back to the hotel.

When I was on the phone with Brian days later, Brian mentioned that he happened to have a chat with Will after Will’s meeting with me.

“What did he say?” I was very curious, because I hadn’t talked to Will since the dinner.

“He said that you claimed leaving me for love. He thought you had rushed into marriage.” Brian continued, “Will also said, there were plenty of good girls out there. He suggested that I move on and don’t stay in touch with you.”

Every word was like a sharp sword piercing my heart. I was speechless, only tears rushing down my face.

After I decided to leave Brian, I had been questioned, challenged, misunderstood, and criticized by many family members and closed friends. However, their judgments never really bothered me.

But this time was different. I knew I had lost him, a good friend that I truly cared for.

I haven’t seen Will or heard a word from him since then. It has been several years and my son is almost at the age of four.

Now he told Brian that he had always thought highly about me?

What changed his mind? What was truly in his mind then? What is in his mind now? Does he still consider me as a friend? Is there any chance that we can become friends again?

I have no idea, but I am very eager to find out.

Brian said Will asked him to say Hello to me.

“Did you tell Will that he made me cry years ago?” I asked.

“No, I didn’t. Should I?”

“I don’t know. Maybe…Ah, no, just forget about it.” My mind was all messed up.

Should I attempt to resume my friendship with Will? I struggled with this question for hours after talking to Brian.

Before going to bed, I decided to ask for my husband’s opinion. I knew I would have hard time falling asleep otherwise.

My husband knew all my past. He certainly remembered the story about Will.

“Why do you want to contact him again?” My husband asked.
“I felt he was a person with a similar soul. I highly valued our past friendship.”

“Some people can be two-faced. They can say things nice in front of you, but badmouth behind your back.” My husband reminded me. “Of course I am not saying Will is like that – I don’t know him in person.”

“He is not like that!” I asserted. Was he badmouthing me years ago? Deep inside, I was not sure.

“That is your call. You have to trust your own judgment and intuition.” My husband said.

“Do you think he would feel weird or embarrassed if I try to restore friendship with him?”

“He might. Again, I don’t know him. But some guys might think you were going after him in this kind of situation.” My husband offered his opinion.

I was stunned. What?!

“Do YOU think I am going after Will?” I felt offended.
“No, I have no reason to think that way. But some guys might.”

No, that is a risk I don’t want to take. I have my pride. If I truly love a person, I never hesitate to say so. But if my intention was not love, I don’t like people misinterpret it in that way.

“I know you always crave for deep and meaningful friendship. Is this what you want from Will?” My husband asked.

“Exactly.” I nodded, “Is it possible?”

“Of course it is possible. But it might be …” My husband hesitated.

“It might be risky.” I finished his sentence, and sighed.

“Unless neither of you find the other attractive.” My husband added.

“Do you mean physically attractive or spiritually attractive?”

“Both. It is human nature. When the friendship between a man and a woman gets deeper and closer, if they find each other attractive, it is very likely for them ending up in bed eventually, even though it was not their intention to begin with.”

I was familiar with this theory and agreed to it. But I hated to think about it now.

“Am I physically attracted to Will?” I asked myself. I never thought about this before. I guessed the answer was NO. But I didn’t consider him unattractive either.

“Am I spiritually attracted to Will?” I questioned myself further. The answer was a firm YES. It was precisely the reason that we were friends before.

“What if you just feel spiritually attracted? Isn’t that pure friendship?” I asked my husband.

“For men, physical attraction might be fatal; for women, spiritual attraction can be deadly.” My husband answered, “That is why I have been intentionally keeping distance from any woman I might feel attracted. You know, it is very possible for anyone to love more than one person at the same time, if the distance between each other is close enough.”

I knew what I should do. I made up my mine: I won’t attempt to restore the friendship with Will.

This was not my first time giving up friendship with a man for this type of reason. It certainly won’t be the last time and it will always hurt deeply when it happens. I hate to lose potential good friends, but sometimes we just have to let them go, because later they might become too “good” to be just friends. Let’s stop before things get out of control.

So long, my friend! Lost and found, and lost again, for good this time.