去CCUC

Susan著 小哭譯

同性戀是眼下非常有爭議的話題。對此我自己也想過很多。做為一名基督徒，我知道同性戀是一種罪（譯者註：此“罪”是基督教中譯文特用詞，與刑事犯罪的“罪”非同一個意思，大意是指所有不算完美的思想和行為）。然而，因為某些人無法控制的事情去指責他們，感覺這也有“錯”。我認為沒有人選擇被同性吸引，但那就發生了。他們無法控制自己的感覺。我知道聖經上清楚地說過，如果一個人是同性戀，將來就會下地獄。但是那樣的話，上帝不是太不善良和不公平了嗎？因為他們根本無法控制的事情將他們送到地獄裡去？永遠地懲罰一個並沒有做錯事的人？在我看來那很不公平。我很確信這個問題應有某種答案，並且我是正確的。

上周五晚上，我和所在教會的青年組一起去了一個在CCUC舉辦的報告會（那是一個位於芝加哥的大華人基督教會）。講員是克里斯托弗.袁，一個曾經有過同性戀生活、吸毒並且最終染上了愛滋病的基督徒。我對他的故事很感興趣，因為我從未直接聽過一個曾經有同性戀感覺的人說話，更不用說他現在還是一個基督徒了。我簡直等不及去聽聽他會說點什麼了。

克里斯托弗從給我們講他的故事開始。我記不得所有的細節了，但是相當地精彩。克里斯托弗的父母不是非常包容的父母，當他們發現克里斯托弗是同性戀者後，他們根本就不支持他。經過一系列不幸的事件，克里斯托弗最終加入了一個同性戀俱樂部，靠販毒掙錢。不久，他被抓了，然後進了監獄。在這段時間裡，他的父母成為了基督徒，開始日夜地替他禱告。他們甚至設法給他一本聖經，但是克里斯托弗沒要。當他們知道克里斯托弗進了監獄後，他們沒有對他生氣；相反，他們為他禱告並且鼓勵他。最後有一天，克里斯托弗在垃圾箱裡看到了一本聖經，就決定讀一讀。接下來通過與他的父母和一些人交流，他很快就開始信上帝了。可是他太不幸了，不久就被查出來感染了艾滋病；但他又是幸運的，在監獄裡呆了兩年後，他提前出獄了。出獄後，寄着從耶穌那兒新獲得的信心，他開始去不同的教會傳道，就象這個周五他所正在做的事兒一樣。

當然，克里斯托弗所講的故事遠比我在上段的總結令人興奮。他甚至給我們看了與故事相關的他的照片。分享完他的見證之後，他談了很多關於同性戀和我們應該如何看待這件事兒的話題。我真的很喜歡他的說法兒和他講話的方式，他是那麼地通情達理與包容。許多基督徒對同性戀者很刻薄，根本就不能接受他們。他們對待同性戀者如同對待與他們自己這種異性戀完全不同的物種一樣。謝天謝地，克里斯托弗不是那種。他跟我們強調，我們不應該刻薄地對待同性戀者。我們應該包容，如同我們對待其它任何人一樣地對待他們。

克里斯托弗談論的還包括人們應該如何看待同性戀。基督徒把這件事兒看得太重了。很多時候，基督徒，包括我在內，認為同性戀者是那些被罪充滿的人，將來會下地獄。我們認為他們比我們的罪更大。我們沒有想到的是我們都是有罪的。我們也被罪充滿着也應該下地獄。所以，我們與他們到底有什麼區別呢？如果感覺到被同性吸引的人是罪人的話，那感覺到被異性吸引的人一樣也是罪人。同性戀的罪並不比其它的罪更重，我們不應該將它與其它的罪區別對待。只是因為某人是同性戀者並不會使他比異性戀更有罪。

我同意克里斯托弗的論點。人們太容易將同性戀視為罪性很大，而忘記了他們自己也在犯着其它的罪。我也喜歡克里斯托弗在性興趣上的觀點。他認為性取向不是界定我們是誰的一個標籤，並且性取向也不是我們生活中最重要的事情。他以前認為一個人要麼是同性戀要麼是異性戀，但是事實上，還有其它的選擇：聖潔。上帝讓我們變得聖潔，而不是異性戀或同性戀。我們的性取向不是一件多大的事情。那就是為什麼，在他整個的講演過程中，他從沒用過“我是或曾是同性戀者”這句話。他只是說“我有過同性戀生活方式，我承受着被同性吸引這種感覺的痛苦。”不管怎麼說，那些感覺不能成為界定他的標籤。

克里斯托弗講完了之後，問我們有什麼問題。大家問了很多，但是有一個問題切中我心——關於同性戀是否是一種選擇。我一直在思考這個問題。我真的很喜歡克里斯托弗對於這是否是一種選擇的解釋。“同性戀”是一個不明確的詞兒。有三個意思與其關聯：首先，感覺到吸引；其次，因着吸引所做的行為；第三，讓這個吸引成為一個人的標誌。根據克里斯托弗的理解，感覺到被同性吸引不是一種選擇。一個人不能選擇有什麼感覺。然而，一個人可以選擇是否基於那種感覺去行動，並且他們能夠選擇是否讓這種感覺界定他們，成為他們的標籤。感覺無法選擇，行為和標籤可以選擇。

這個解釋之後，我覺得自己終於理解了有關同性戀的問題。吸引的感覺就象是人們所感受到的任何其它的誘惑一樣：撒謊的誘惑、不聽從上帝的誘惑，或者任何其它的誘惑。上帝沒有指責人們感受到那些誘惑，就如同他沒有指責感受到被同性吸引。然而，是否基於誘惑去行動就是他們自己的選擇了。受到誘惑不是罪，但是基於那些誘惑去行動就是罪了。而基於那些感覺去行動是他們自己的選擇。所以，去犯罪是他們自己的選擇。現在都搞清楚了！上帝終究是公平的！！

克里斯托弗就是一例仍然感受到被同性吸引的人，但是他跟從上帝，請求上帝幫助他不要向那些感覺屈服。聽他說這些非常地有趣兒，他的報告解開了我對於同性戀的很多的問題。我很高興終於有機會聽到一個關於這個話題的合理解釋。我在網上讀過的很多文章，要麼太有偏見，要麼太不合理。克里斯托弗的講演太完美了。聽某人講他還承受着那種感覺很令人欽佩。克里斯托弗說，他還是感覺被同性吸引。那意味着他可能不會結婚，因為他不被女人吸引，也不想和另一個同性戀者結婚犯下罪。然而，他相信他能通過跟隨耶穌過一種聖潔的單身生活。一個人不是必須得結婚才能跟隨上帝。單身也不壞。

我喜歡聽克里斯托弗的故事。知道他還在被同性吸引然而還能跟從上帝讓我感覺到上帝的力量真的是非常強大。是上帝和聖靈將克里斯托弗在監獄中變成了一個基督徒，一個幾乎不可能的改變，是上帝幫助克里斯托弗不要向他的同性性取向屈服。上帝真的很奇妙。很高興那晚我去聽了講演，我絕對是從中學到了很多。

【小哭介紹背景】這篇文章讀完我就將其列入了翻譯的行列，可是卻一直拖到現在才動手。我知道這是Susan跟橡樹園教會出去活動時所見所聞所思所想，不是她的校園生活，但是，我強烈地想將這一篇擠進某個系列以便早點發表出來。

去年的復活節，我們去一家自助餐店慶祝Susan受洗，當時社會上都在談論同性戀合法化的問題。一路上，一家人為着這個話題個個爭着搶着發表觀點，誰也說服不了誰。一個我本來挺喜歡的牧師，就是因為他去了首都華盛頓參加反對同性戀結婚示威，讓我對他“敬而遠之”。我真的沒有能力說服誰，可是我對不同的性取向有着一種發自內心的深深的理解，並對他們為社會所不容有着深深的同情。我是個異性戀，我的理解不是指自己也有着對同性吸引的感覺，而是類比於自己對於戀人的那種深深的愛，還有當那種愛隨風而去時的刻骨的悲傷。我是從這個層面上去理解的，我覺得很多愛都是人們心底最真實和最美好的感情，與性別無關。我就是無法將同性戀者想像成“噁心和醜陋”的。牧師那時強調，同性戀不是真實的感覺，他們那些人一會兒跟人同性戀，一會兒還會搞異性戀，所以，他們是墮落敗壞的。我實在無法認同牧師的觀點，我就是相信有的人生來就是會被同性吸引的，那是他們自己也無法決定的事情。我甚至激動地說，要說錯誤，這也是上帝的錯誤，是上帝將一些人造成了那樣，那些人可曾有權選擇自己的性取向嗎？至於濫交和吸毒，我不認為那等同於同性戀，不管他們的相關度有多高。

我的觀點是非常樸素的，跟克里斯托弗的理解相差太遠了。我沒有辦法說服任何人，我只是深深地為着某些基督徒在這一點上的不包容感覺不理解，感覺自己離這樣的基督徒很遙遠。在家最好不談“政治”，否則會“打”起來。這一點在我們家也挺明顯，每個人都有着強烈的個人觀點，不會因為要維持一個表面的“和諧”而委屈自己，所以，我們最後就是把各自的觀點留在那裡，少去破壞家庭氣氛。但是事兒總還是個事兒，問題也還是那個問題，留在那裡也不會自動解決。只要一提起來就會是一場家庭“論戰”：）其實我們的論戰算是溫和的，因為我們都有一種感覺，對人應該寬容些。只是家裡的兩個基督徒覺得沒有辦法把這種感覺和聖經上的話語統一起來，他們又想維護聖經，又無法否定我這個非基督徒的“善良”。

終於，Susan親耳聽到了克里斯托弗的故事，還有他對於同性戀的深度剖析和小結。不只是Susan，我自己也覺得克里斯托弗的解釋非常地有說服力，讓我的認識又高了一層次。只是，我覺得克里斯托弗的講法，也不完美，更類似於一個折衷：同性戀者要自我犧牲，要和天生的感覺和情感鬥爭，受盡折磨；異性戀者要看在他們只是有想法，沒有任何行動的份上，接受他們。對於天生有這種想法的人，我覺得他們就如同生來有殘疾的人一樣，上帝的厚愛對他們來講，在這一點上很薄。上帝剝奪了他們享受愛情甚至婚姻的權力，當然，上帝有主權，他可以剝奪一個人的任何東西，如果他願意；就如同他可以給予一個人很多，只因他願意。

我為Susan有機會去聽這個報告慶幸！補充一點，克里斯托弗是一個華人青年。我曾經看過他的某段錄像的開頭，但是沒有看完，所以並不知道他的報告是如此地精彩。我喜歡Susan能夠跟從聖經的教導，可是我並不想她成為一個教條的基督徒，失去獨立思考的能力，失去人性中那種“愛與寬容”的光輝。這個問題的解決，為我們樹立了一個樣板，以後再面臨這樣的問題和爭論，我們可以想像，一定是有一個更好的答案，可能只是因為我們的智慧暫時還不夠，所以目前還無法觸及到這個答案。

“上帝終究是公平的！！”我喜歡Susan的這一點感悟。我希望她對上帝的相信，是緣於這類理解，而不是一種盲從。在孩子尋求信仰的路上，如果孩子能夠得到好的餵養，是一件值得家長極其感恩的事情！

附上英文原文：

Trip To CCUC

Gay marriage is a very controversial issue right now. I thought about it a lot myself. Being a Christian, I know that homosexuality is a sin. However, it feels wrong to condem someone for something they can’t control. I’m sure nobody chose to feel attraction towards someone of the same sex. It just happens. They can’t control how they feel. I know the Bible clearly states that if a person is gay, they’re gonna go to hell. But isn’t that really mean and unfair of God? To send a person to hell for something they have no control over? To eternally damn a person for doing nothing wrong? That seems unfair to me. I was sure there is some sort of answer to this question, and I was right.

Last Friday night, I went to a presentation at CCUC (that’s a big Chinese Christian church in Chicago) with my youth group. The guest speaker was Christopher Yuan, a Christian who used to live a homosexual life, do drugs, and finally ended up with AIDs. I was really interested to hear his story, because I had never heard directly from a person who has gay feelings before, much less one who is now a Christian. I couldn’t wait to hear what he had to say.

Christopher began with telling us his story. I don’t remember all the details, but it was pretty amazing. Christopher’s parents were not very accepting parents, and when they found out Christopher was gay, they did not support him at all. Through a series of unfortunate events, Christopher ended up going to gay clubs and dealing drugs to earn money. Soon, he got caught, and was thrown in jail. During that period of time, his parents had become Christians, and were praying for him night and day. They even tried to give him a Bible, but Christopher would not take it. When they found out Christopher was in jail, they did not get mad at him. Instead, they just prayed for him and encouraged him. Finally, one day, Christopher saw a Bible in the trash can, and finally decided to read it. Then, through talking with his parents and other people, he soon started believing in God. Unlucky for him, Christopher soon found out that he was infected with AIDs. Lucky for him, he got out of jail early, after only two years. After he got out of jail, with his newfound faith in Christ, he began spreading the gospel to different churches. And that was what he was doing that Firday.

Of course, the way Christopher told his story was way more exciting than the way I summarized it in the paragraph above. He even showed us pictures of himself throughout the story. After he finished sharing his testimony, he proceeded to talking more about homosexuality and how we should view it. One thing I really like about what he said and the way he said it was how reasonable and accepting he was. A lot of Christians are very mean to people who are gay, and are not accepting of them at all. They treat them like they are a completely different species from people who are straight, like them. Thankfully, Christopher is not like that. He stressed to us that we should not be mean towards them. We should be accepting, and treat them like we would treat anyone else.

Something Christopher talked about was how people should view homosexuality. Christians make too big of a deal out of that issue. A lot of times, Christians, including me, think about gay people as people who are filled with sin and are condemned to go to hell. We treat them as if they are more sinful than us. What we don’t think about is that we are the same thing. We are also filled with sin and are condemed to go to hell. So, how does that make us different from them? People who feel same-sex attractions are sinners, and people who feel opposite-sex attractions are also sinners. The sin of homosexuality does not outweigh other sins, and we should not treat it differently from other sins. Just because someone’s gay does not make them more of a sinner than someone straight.

 I agree with the point that Christopher made. Too often do people treat homosexuality as a huge sin, and forget about all the other sins that they themselves committed. I also like Christopher’s view on sexuality. He believes that our sexual orientation does not define who we are, and it is not the most important thing in our lives. I used to think that a person as either gay or straight, but actually, there is another choice: holiness. God is calling us to be holy, not to be straight or gay. Our sexual orientation is not that big of a deal. That’s why, during his whole presentation, he never said “I am/was gay”. He only said “I was living a gay lifestyle, and I suffer from homosexual feelings.” However, those feelings does not define him.

After Christopher said all he wanted to say, he asked us if we had any questions. There were many questions, but one stuck in my mind. It was about whether homosexuality is a choice or not. I had been wondering about that. I really like Christopher interpretation of whether it’s a choice or not. “Homosexuality” is a vague word. There are three meaning tied to this word: first, the feeling of attraction. Second, the deeds done because of this attraction. And third, letting the attraction become one’s identity. According to Christopher, the feeling of attraction to the same sex is not a choice. One cannot chose what to feel. However, a person can chose to whether act upon that feeling, and they can chose whether or not to let that feeling define them and become their identily. The feeling is not a choice, but behavior and identity is.

After that explanation, I feel like I finally understand the whole subject of homosexuality. The feelings of attration is like any other temptation people feel: the temptation to lie, the temptation to not follow God, or any other temptation. God does not condem people for feeling those tempations, just as he does not condem them for feeling attracted to the same sex. However, it is their own choice to act upon those temptations. The temptations are not a sin, but acting upon those temptations are. And it’s their own choice to act upon those feelings. So, it’s their own choice to sin. Now it all makes sense! God is fair after all!

Christopher is an example of someone who still feels those homosexual attractions, but he follows God and ask God to help him not give in to those feelings. It was very interesting hearing from him, and his presentation untangled many questions I had about homosexuality. I’m glad to finally hear a reasonable presentation about this subject. Many articles I have read online are either prejudiced or very unreasonable. Christopher’s presentation was perfect. It was very cool hearing from a person who still suffers those feelings. Christopher said that he still feel attracted to people of the same sex as him. That means he probably will not marry, because he is not attracted to women and does not want to commite a sin by marrying another guy. However, he believes that he can live a very holy life following Jesus as a single. A persona doesn’t have to be married to follow God. Singleness isn’t a bad thing.

I enjoyed listing to Christopher’s story. Knowing that he still feel sexualy attracted to guys yet is able to still follow God makes me feel that the strength of the God really is very strong. It was the God and the Holy Spirit who changed Christopher into a Christian while he was in prison, a deed that was almost impossible, and it is God who is helping Christopher not give in to his homosexual attractions. God indeed is miraculous. I’m very glad I went to the presentation that night. I definitely learned a lot.