Wed.,Feb. 15, 2012-Nursing my Mom

送交者: 寧遠3 2012年03月09日11:09:10 於 [彩虹之約] 發送悄悄話

感謝主！ 昨天去替護工， 才知道有多辛苦，可是護工從沒抱怨過，還說她跟我媽有緣（這個護工是禱告得來的)。 早飯和中飯禁食禱告， 說是禱告， 其實是默禱， 因為我媽時清醒時糊塗， 說話口齒不清，可就是不能跟她提耶穌， 一提就說：“不要，假的!” 還不讓我為她按手禱告。她一直很大聲講話，可是也聽不明白， 大多數時候我都在試圖明白她的意思，其他時候在換屎換尿。除了默禱主使用我， 給我智慧，讓我媽從心裡信主， 一直着急沒機會。大概因為這種焦慮， 後來胃疼的厲害，而且也在懷疑自己早上晨更後根我姐姐說：“我覺得媽能自己走出病房”（I had this strong feeling each day after my few hours devotion) 的真實性。 我們家人都覺得我宗教狂， 主給我一句話：“順從神，不順從人， 是應當的。”[Acts 5:29] （晨更本來沒讀到這章，主感動我讀，就是為了給我這句話。）

 

感謝主！彭保羅弟兄只見過我一面，就知道我急脾氣，用很客氣的方法說：“不要憑血氣， 要求神帶領，把種子撒在好土上。禁食禱告會去掉你的血性，多用神的帶領。”因此雖然心裡急，我沒有試圖做什麼，只是默禱求神帶領。 後來我媽一直叫熱，還說：“不行了，活不了了。”我趁機說：“活的了，只要你願意耶穌做你的救主，你的靈魂就得永生，去天堂了。”我媽竟然點頭，我說：“你在心裡說，耶穌救我。”我媽點頭，嘴裡嗚魯了一句，過了一會說：“看見了嗎，天堂門開了！”她說話一直嗚哩嗚魯的， 我覺的是這句話， 可被我哥斥責胡說八道。但是我知道她接受耶穌了！

The doctor says if there is any blood clot formed in anywhere of her body, she will be in danger and there is nothing they could do, otherwise she might be able to make it. Her time could be 2 weeks to 2 months.  I have peace in mind (especially after a few hours devotions in the morning) that she will be saved, by soul if not her body that God has promised me.

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Fri.,Feb. 17,2012-Mom Passed Away

送交者: 寧遠3 2012年03月09日11:10:31 於 [彩虹之約] 發送悄悄話

My mom has passed away last evening at 6:48pm. Our whole family are peaceful and even my brother said:"Let's just think it is like June said, she went to heaven."   I did get frustrated in the morning thinking God has forsaken me, seeing how painful my mom was at the last several hours. After crying loud in the hospital room, 10 mins later I read the christian book <> and the answer is right there - it talks about we humans always try to understand God's will our ways, not really God's will. This morning when I started reading bible, it all came back to me that when my sister called me this time telling me that my mom has gotten worse, whenever I prayed, I would cry non-stoppingly. 

 

God has always be there with me! The Holy Spirit knows what my mom will go through and cried through me! The verse I got for my mom meant her soul will be saved!

 

I will stay another week to take care of the funerals.

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Sat.,Feb. 18, 2012-Looking Back

送交者: 寧遠3 2012年03月09日11:11:44 於 [彩虹之約] 發送悄悄話

It was such a painful experience to watch the whole period of my mom's final hours.   The next day after my mom said she saw heaven opens, the doctor told us that my mom might not have more than 3 days left since she started to have failure in her body and can't not retain oxegen, the doctor told us to think about whether we want to use breathing tube on my mom.  That afternoon my brother thought my mom was all right and went to meet a friend, got a bad traffic and didn't get in till the very last minute for visiting. My mom kept asking about him. We had to leave before discussing what we want to do about the breathing tube, although both me and my sister discussed and wanted my mom to have natural death.   In the evening, around 8:40pm we got a phone call from hospital telling us my mom was in danger. When we got hospital, the doctor told us my mom was choking on her mucus and couldn't breathe, they used breathing tube　  ( without our consent over the phone or in paper since we have to sign it first) after trying to revive her just by human efforts. My mom's brain was out of oxegen for 15 minutes and was brain dead, but in China there is no concept of  Euthanasia (安樂死), she has to stay like that till her heart stops beating. The doctor said it might be a few days or a few weeks before her final time,  so we went home.

Next morning I came to the hospital early to stay with my mom, while my brother and sister went to tell my dad what has happened ( previous night we told him nothing major happened and we were required to go to hospital by the doctor).  

 

When I got to the hospital, my mom had a huge breathing tube in her mouth, where blood came out of her mouth and both her nostrils were stuffed with gauzes full of blood. Her eyes kept opening and closing and she was moving twishing her body every 5 seconds. 

I prayed God to help my mom relieve her pain but couldn't feel God's existence. Finally I couldn't take it,  I cried louldly and ask:" why have I misunderstood God's will so much! Why did this happen to my mom and she still have ot suffer so much pain rather than die peacefully, is God punishing me because of my self pirde! I don't even know if my mom is truly going to heaven or not! And I can't forgive my dad evenＩknow it is a sin to not forgiving!". I pleaded God to give me a verse to strengthen me, and I got the verse below:

 

[Jerimiah 15:11]　：

 The LORD said, 

   “Surely I will deliver you for a good purpose; 

   surely I will make your enemies plead with you 

   in times of disaster and times of distress. 

I did not understand back then although I know this verse was given to me.

 

Ten minutes later I remembered for some reason I brought a christian book with me - <>, I opened it and there was the answer - it says we humans would like to interpret God's will our way, not God's truly intention. We like to develop our understanding on our own most of the time although God has given us hint every way.

 

After the dark hours yesterday, when I do my devotions this morning, it came dawn to me why I cried so hard before flying back when I first heard my mom was in critical condition again. And then another voice came to me:"If you love someone, you have to love the good and bad about him." I realized God did give me hint what my mom will be suffering back then - I have told my sister that I could not stop crying whenever  I prayed before flying back. And love someone with his good and bad is how I should treat my father -- so there it is, I am accepting him again as how he is and will take him back with me. 

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Tue.,Feb. 21,2012-Love is patience

送交者: 寧遠3 2012年03月09日11:22:30 於 [彩虹之約] 發送悄悄話

感謝主！一家人都心裡很平靜的辦完了葬禮，給我媽找了塊墓地，明天下葬。

 

很慚愧以前的email有如此多對別人的論斷，我自己竟然毫無意識，自己的老我讓我覺得就我在家裡最屬靈，自己的驕傲讓我覺得只要我信，就能創造神跡，完全忘了要順服神的旨意。現在才越發明白神是要徹頭徹尾的訂死我的老我，完全的破碎我，成為能順服主意，為主所用的器皿。

 

在我最絕望的幾個小時裡，主給了我這句經文：

耶利米書 第 15 章:11 耶和華說，我必要堅固你，使你得好處。災禍苦難臨到的時候，我必要使仇敵央求你。

雖然這句是我絕望中跟神求的指引，但當時怎麼也想不明白，我到處跟人說我母親會好的，神已經應許我了，自己也深信不疑。怎麼徹夜讀經禱告和禁食禱告也能把神的旨意完全曲解到這個程度！而且我有一天晨更讀到舊約《約珥書》第2章，新約《使徒行傳》第3章，同樣的內容重複兩遍：

 

約珥書 第 2 章：28 以後，我要將我的靈澆灌凡有血氣的。你們的兒女要說預言。你們的老年人要作異夢。少年人要見異象。

 

我順着己意覺得神要在我媽身上顯神跡了（其實是我媽臨終前看見異象）。母親去世後的幾天裡，我雖然照樣晨更，但都有看沒進，覺得自己勞心勞力刻意追求主的同在，結果母親也走了，心裡還對父親有氣-他醉酒亂罵人是整件事的導火索，可是他還非要跟我過，我覺得自己不把心態調整過來，那怎麼能給他顯出基督的愛呢！

 

感謝主！第三天晨更時，一個聲音在裡面說：“愛一個人就是完全的接納，好的壞的都要用愛去包容！”，“It takes two to fail the marriage, not because the person is dead, that mom has no responsibility for the bad relationship between her and my dad. ” 感謝主！從那一刻起，我父親還是那個馬列主義朝外，逼別人凡事都要照他意思做，不然就敘敘叨叨念個不停的人。可是我的生命卻從此完全改變，只要不是關乎真理的事情，我都完全順服他的意思，並和我哥哥姐姐互相提醒做到這點。原來嘮叨是因為要別人聽他的，當他覺得被尊重時，我父親竟變得如此慈祥。這就是 “我必要堅固你，使你得好處。” 的意思了。感謝主給我這個機會給主做了這個見證，我哥哥姐姐都說現在遇到事兒只有我能讓我爸平靜下來。我說是因為我們都是罪人，沒資格論斷別人，而且跟長輩頂撞也是罪，在主里順服父母是我該做的。即着這些，我又跟他們討論聖經里的人生哲理，堅定了我姐對主的信心，在我哥心裡撒了種子-他還跟我要了本我在這邊定的聖經去看。經歷了這麼多，我已經學會順服主意，讓主引領我在外邦人身上做工，而不是順遂己意去強逼他們信。

感謝主！我哥的態度也因為我媽的去世而改變，願意和我分擔照顧父親的責任。這在以前是不可能的，因為他們曾大吵過要斷絕父子關係，以後一直面和心不合。這正是主給我的另一句話“災禍苦難臨到的時候，我必要使仇敵央求你。” 所謂仇敵就是利益有衝突的人，以前因為照顧父母的問題和我哥發生很多衝突，一直求主改變我原諒和不去論斷我哥。沒想到主讓萬事相互效力，讓愛他的人得益處。我只需要耐心等候主！

 

我好像迷途的羔羊，靠主引領，又找到了回家的路，滿心歡喜快樂感謝萬能的主！撒旦的攪擾還是會來，但我也學會等候主和原諒自己，不管心裡老我的感覺，靠主引領沒有過不去的坎兒！

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Fri.,Feb. 24,2012-Obey in the Lord

送交者: 寧遠3 2012年03月09日11:25:51 於 [彩虹之約] 發送悄悄話

幾天前因為我爸和我姐夫為碑文內容意見不合，差點連下葬我姐夫都不露面，我爸則威脅說不照他的意思辦就他自己出錢買墓地和重刻碑，因為這兒的規矩是子女出錢，子女決定碑文的內容（我們想按負責下葬方的規定格式，我爸非要按他們村里祖墳的格式），所以我姐和我哥都氣的要命。本想這不是關乎真理的事情，我和我老公出我們那份錢就行了，可其他兩家不干，眼看再兩天就下葬了，碑文還沒商量出結果。

 

第二天當我姐告訴我姐夫說不改碑文他就不去下葬，我也急爆了。感謝主！照我姐的話講我爆掉的時間短到她還沒反應過來，我就recover了。因為我想起凡事要“在主里順服”老公這句經文，因此給了我智慧去處理這件事。我跟我爸說因為他是一家之主，所以整版碑文的格式由他來定，但是姐夫是我姐家做主的人，碑文上那一條他們家的由他決定，我們其他兩家照爸的格式寫，可是就會很難看，不過我爸不在乎的話我們就都順服他的意思。聽了這話之後他很慈祥的說：“事都是你們在辦，由你們做主吧。”感謝主！我媽終於順利下葬了。

 

真希望我爸就呆在“慈祥”不用翻頁了。誰知“江山易改，本性難移”，現在一有意見不合就用自虐的方式讓我們讓步，還口口聲聲說是愛我們，感謝主！雖然當時氣的頭腦發蒙，可是recover的快，這種關乎真理的事情是不能讓步的，所以我告訴他：“愛有很多種，你這種愛會讓人窒息死的。我不能接受。”我爸又使出另一絕招：“你還是基督徒呢，寬容忍讓在哪裡？還不是跟我發脾氣了。”當時太氣了，最關鍵的一句：“基督徒和非基督徒的區別不是不會犯罪，而是犯罪後會認罪悔改，recover比較快。”忘記說。 我只回答說：“成了基督徒不是就變成耶穌了，我到現在也不知道做得夠不夠好，有沒有資格上天堂，所以還在不斷努力爭取中。聖經里是說要孝順，可是也說父母要慈祥，父慈子孝，父親也要做出好榜樣。”“我也很努力的要孝順，所以忍了這麼久才生氣。我們人都是有罪的，所以我成了基督徒也不能避免犯罪。但是會認罪悔改。”

我爸：“我怎麼沒做好榜樣，我這麼愛你們！”

我：“我知道我生氣時會對你不敬，所以才要躲開你冷靜一下， 你就用跳樓來威脅我，這不是你嘴裡說的愛。”

 

感謝主！現在學會了原諒自己，不會因為沒忍住爆掉就追悔莫及沉浸在沮喪里，讓撒旦得逞。我爸最後承認他也做得不對，對於從不認錯的他，這是一個巨大的轉變。

 

另一方面，我姐和我哥也一直跟我爸談，讓我爸知道他自己不試圖改變甚至沒有意識到自身的問題，他在哪裡都不會得到他想象中的幸福，總會覺得是別人虧欠他的。感謝主！一直以為自己在家裡最屬靈的驕傲也被破碎了，我和其他人一樣都是罪人，只有不斷的認識自己的渺小卑微，不斷的認罪悔改才能得到永生！

 

很想念教會的弟兄姐妹，回美國後就沒什麼時間寫見證了，感謝大家一路的扶持！神保守！