Wed.,Feb. 15, 2012-Nursing my Mom

送交者: 宁远3 2012年03月09日11:09:10 于 [彩虹之约] 发送悄悄话

感谢主！ 昨天去替护工， 才知道有多辛苦，可是护工从没抱怨过，还说她跟我妈有缘（这个护工是祷告得来的)。 早饭和中饭禁食祷告， 说是祷告， 其实是默祷， 因为我妈时清醒时糊涂， 说话口齿不清，可就是不能跟她提耶稣， 一提就说：“不要，假的!” 还不让我为她按手祷告。她一直很大声讲话，可是也听不明白， 大多数时候我都在试图明白她的意思，其他时候在换屎换尿。除了默祷主使用我， 给我智慧，让我妈从心里信主， 一直着急没机会。大概因为这种焦虑， 后来胃疼的厉害，而且也在怀疑自己早上晨更后根我姐姐说：“我觉得妈能自己走出病房”（I had this strong feeling each day after my few hours devotion) 的真实性。 我们家人都觉得我宗教狂， 主给我一句话：“顺从神，不顺从人， 是应当的。”[Acts 5:29] （晨更本来没读到这章，主感动我读，就是为了给我这句话。）

 

感谢主！彭保罗弟兄只见过我一面，就知道我急脾气，用很客气的方法说：“不要凭血气， 要求神带领，把种子撒在好土上。禁食祷告会去掉你的血性，多用神的带领。”因此虽然心里急，我没有试图做什么，只是默祷求神带领。 后来我妈一直叫热，还说：“不行了，活不了了。”我趁机说：“活的了，只要你愿意耶稣做你的救主，你的灵魂就得永生，去天堂了。”我妈竟然点头，我说：“你在心里说，耶稣救我。”我妈点头，嘴里呜鲁了一句，过了一会说：“看见了吗，天堂门开了！”她说话一直呜哩呜鲁的， 我觉的是这句话， 可被我哥斥责胡说八道。但是我知道她接受耶稣了！

The doctor says if there is any blood clot formed in anywhere of her body, she will be in danger and there is nothing they could do, otherwise she might be able to make it. Her time could be 2 weeks to 2 months.  I have peace in mind (especially after a few hours devotions in the morning) that she will be saved, by soul if not her body that God has promised me.

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Fri.,Feb. 17,2012-Mom Passed Away

送交者: 宁远3 2012年03月09日11:10:31 于 [彩虹之约] 发送悄悄话

My mom has passed away last evening at 6:48pm. Our whole family are peaceful and even my brother said:"Let's just think it is like June said, she went to heaven."   I did get frustrated in the morning thinking God has forsaken me, seeing how painful my mom was at the last several hours. After crying loud in the hospital room, 10 mins later I read the christian book <> and the answer is right there - it talks about we humans always try to understand God's will our ways, not really God's will. This morning when I started reading bible, it all came back to me that when my sister called me this time telling me that my mom has gotten worse, whenever I prayed, I would cry non-stoppingly. 

 

God has always be there with me! The Holy Spirit knows what my mom will go through and cried through me! The verse I got for my mom meant her soul will be saved!

 

I will stay another week to take care of the funerals.

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Sat.,Feb. 18, 2012-Looking Back

送交者: 宁远3 2012年03月09日11:11:44 于 [彩虹之约] 发送悄悄话

It was such a painful experience to watch the whole period of my mom's final hours.   The next day after my mom said she saw heaven opens, the doctor told us that my mom might not have more than 3 days left since she started to have failure in her body and can't not retain oxegen, the doctor told us to think about whether we want to use breathing tube on my mom.  That afternoon my brother thought my mom was all right and went to meet a friend, got a bad traffic and didn't get in till the very last minute for visiting. My mom kept asking about him. We had to leave before discussing what we want to do about the breathing tube, although both me and my sister discussed and wanted my mom to have natural death.   In the evening, around 8:40pm we got a phone call from hospital telling us my mom was in danger. When we got hospital, the doctor told us my mom was choking on her mucus and couldn't breathe, they used breathing tube　  ( without our consent over the phone or in paper since we have to sign it first) after trying to revive her just by human efforts. My mom's brain was out of oxegen for 15 minutes and was brain dead, but in China there is no concept of  Euthanasia (安乐死), she has to stay like that till her heart stops beating. The doctor said it might be a few days or a few weeks before her final time,  so we went home.

Next morning I came to the hospital early to stay with my mom, while my brother and sister went to tell my dad what has happened ( previous night we told him nothing major happened and we were required to go to hospital by the doctor).  

 

When I got to the hospital, my mom had a huge breathing tube in her mouth, where blood came out of her mouth and both her nostrils were stuffed with gauzes full of blood. Her eyes kept opening and closing and she was moving twishing her body every 5 seconds. 

I prayed God to help my mom relieve her pain but couldn't feel God's existence. Finally I couldn't take it,  I cried louldly and ask:" why have I misunderstood God's will so much! Why did this happen to my mom and she still have ot suffer so much pain rather than die peacefully, is God punishing me because of my self pirde! I don't even know if my mom is truly going to heaven or not! And I can't forgive my dad evenＩknow it is a sin to not forgiving!". I pleaded God to give me a verse to strengthen me, and I got the verse below:

 

[Jerimiah 15:11]　：

 The LORD said, 

   “Surely I will deliver you for a good purpose; 

   surely I will make your enemies plead with you 

   in times of disaster and times of distress. 

I did not understand back then although I know this verse was given to me.

 

Ten minutes later I remembered for some reason I brought a christian book with me - <>, I opened it and there was the answer - it says we humans would like to interpret God's will our way, not God's truly intention. We like to develop our understanding on our own most of the time although God has given us hint every way.

 

After the dark hours yesterday, when I do my devotions this morning, it came dawn to me why I cried so hard before flying back when I first heard my mom was in critical condition again. And then another voice came to me:"If you love someone, you have to love the good and bad about him." I realized God did give me hint what my mom will be suffering back then - I have told my sister that I could not stop crying whenever  I prayed before flying back. And love someone with his good and bad is how I should treat my father -- so there it is, I am accepting him again as how he is and will take him back with me. 

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Tue.,Feb. 21,2012-Love is patience

送交者: 宁远3 2012年03月09日11:22:30 于 [彩虹之约] 发送悄悄话

感谢主！一家人都心里很平静的办完了葬礼，给我妈找了块墓地，明天下葬。

 

很惭愧以前的email有如此多对别人的论断，我自己竟然毫无意识，自己的老我让我觉得就我在家里最属灵，自己的骄傲让我觉得只要我信，就能创造神迹，完全忘了要顺服神的旨意。现在才越发明白神是要彻头彻尾的订死我的老我，完全的破碎我，成为能顺服主意，为主所用的器皿。

 

在我最绝望的几个小时里，主给了我这句经文：

耶利米书 第 15 章:11 耶和华说，我必要坚固你，使你得好处。灾祸苦难临到的时候，我必要使仇敌央求你。

虽然这句是我绝望中跟神求的指引，但当时怎么也想不明白，我到处跟人说我母亲会好的，神已经应许我了，自己也深信不疑。怎么彻夜读经祷告和禁食祷告也能把神的旨意完全曲解到这个程度！而且我有一天晨更读到旧约《约珥书》第2章，新约《使徒行传》第3章，同样的内容重复两遍：

 

约珥书 第 2 章：28 以后，我要将我的灵浇灌凡有血气的。你们的儿女要说预言。你们的老年人要作异梦。少年人要见异象。

 

我顺着己意觉得神要在我妈身上显神迹了（其实是我妈临终前看见异象）。母亲去世后的几天里，我虽然照样晨更，但都有看没进，觉得自己劳心劳力刻意追求主的同在，结果母亲也走了，心里还对父亲有气-他醉酒乱骂人是整件事的导火索，可是他还非要跟我过，我觉得自己不把心态调整过来，那怎么能给他显出基督的爱呢！

 

感谢主！第三天晨更时，一个声音在里面说：“爱一个人就是完全的接纳，好的坏的都要用爱去包容！”，“It takes two to fail the marriage, not because the person is dead, that mom has no responsibility for the bad relationship between her and my dad. ” 感谢主！从那一刻起，我父亲还是那个马列主义朝外，逼别人凡事都要照他意思做，不然就叙叙叨叨念个不停的人。可是我的生命却从此完全改变，只要不是关乎真理的事情，我都完全顺服他的意思，并和我哥哥姐姐互相提醒做到这点。原来唠叨是因为要别人听他的，当他觉得被尊重时，我父亲竟变得如此慈祥。这就是 “我必要坚固你，使你得好处。” 的意思了。感谢主给我这个机会给主做了这个见证，我哥哥姐姐都说现在遇到事儿只有我能让我爸平静下来。我说是因为我们都是罪人，没资格论断别人，而且跟长辈顶撞也是罪，在主里顺服父母是我该做的。即着这些，我又跟他们讨论圣经里的人生哲理，坚定了我姐对主的信心，在我哥心里撒了种子-他还跟我要了本我在这边定的圣经去看。经历了这么多，我已经学会顺服主意，让主引领我在外邦人身上做工，而不是顺遂己意去强逼他们信。

感谢主！我哥的态度也因为我妈的去世而改变，愿意和我分担照顾父亲的责任。这在以前是不可能的，因为他们曾大吵过要断绝父子关系，以后一直面和心不合。这正是主给我的另一句话“灾祸苦难临到的时候，我必要使仇敌央求你。” 所谓仇敌就是利益有冲突的人，以前因为照顾父母的问题和我哥发生很多冲突，一直求主改变我原谅和不去论断我哥。没想到主让万事相互效力，让爱他的人得益处。我只需要耐心等候主！

 

我好像迷途的羔羊，靠主引领，又找到了回家的路，满心欢喜快乐感谢万能的主！撒旦的搅扰还是会来，但我也学会等候主和原谅自己，不管心里老我的感觉，靠主引领没有过不去的坎儿！

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Fri.,Feb. 24,2012-Obey in the Lord

送交者: 宁远3 2012年03月09日11:25:51 于 [彩虹之约] 发送悄悄话

几天前因为我爸和我姐夫为碑文内容意见不合，差点连下葬我姐夫都不露面，我爸则威胁说不照他的意思办就他自己出钱买墓地和重刻碑，因为这儿的规矩是子女出钱，子女决定碑文的内容（我们想按负责下葬方的规定格式，我爸非要按他们村里祖坟的格式），所以我姐和我哥都气的要命。本想这不是关乎真理的事情，我和我老公出我们那份钱就行了，可其他两家不干，眼看再两天就下葬了，碑文还没商量出结果。

 

第二天当我姐告诉我姐夫说不改碑文他就不去下葬，我也急爆了。感谢主！照我姐的话讲我爆掉的时间短到她还没反应过来，我就recover了。因为我想起凡事要“在主里顺服”老公这句经文，因此给了我智慧去处理这件事。我跟我爸说因为他是一家之主，所以整版碑文的格式由他来定，但是姐夫是我姐家做主的人，碑文上那一条他们家的由他决定，我们其他两家照爸的格式写，可是就会很难看，不过我爸不在乎的话我们就都顺服他的意思。听了这话之后他很慈祥的说：“事都是你们在办，由你们做主吧。”感谢主！我妈终于顺利下葬了。

 

真希望我爸就呆在“慈祥”不用翻页了。谁知“江山易改，本性难移”，现在一有意见不合就用自虐的方式让我们让步，还口口声声说是爱我们，感谢主！虽然当时气的头脑发蒙，可是recover的快，这种关乎真理的事情是不能让步的，所以我告诉他：“爱有很多种，你这种爱会让人窒息死的。我不能接受。”我爸又使出另一绝招：“你还是基督徒呢，宽容忍让在哪里？还不是跟我发脾气了。”当时太气了，最关键的一句：“基督徒和非基督徒的区别不是不会犯罪，而是犯罪后会认罪悔改，recover比较快。”忘记说。 我只回答说：“成了基督徒不是就变成耶稣了，我到现在也不知道做得够不够好，有没有资格上天堂，所以还在不断努力争取中。圣经里是说要孝顺，可是也说父母要慈祥，父慈子孝，父亲也要做出好榜样。”“我也很努力的要孝顺，所以忍了这么久才生气。我们人都是有罪的，所以我成了基督徒也不能避免犯罪。但是会认罪悔改。”

我爸：“我怎么没做好榜样，我这么爱你们！”

我：“我知道我生气时会对你不敬，所以才要躲开你冷静一下， 你就用跳楼来威胁我，这不是你嘴里说的爱。”

 

感谢主！现在学会了原谅自己，不会因为没忍住爆掉就追悔莫及沉浸在沮丧里，让撒旦得逞。我爸最后承认他也做得不对，对于从不认错的他，这是一个巨大的转变。

 

另一方面，我姐和我哥也一直跟我爸谈，让我爸知道他自己不试图改变甚至没有意识到自身的问题，他在哪里都不会得到他想象中的幸福，总会觉得是别人亏欠他的。感谢主！一直以为自己在家里最属灵的骄傲也被破碎了，我和其他人一样都是罪人，只有不断的认识自己的渺小卑微，不断的认罪悔改才能得到永生！

 

很想念教会的弟兄姐妹，回美国后就没什么时间写见证了，感谢大家一路的扶持！神保守！